I'd Do Anything

Search for Oliver and Nancy coming to the BBC (not) soon (enough)

I'd Do Anything will be looking to find an actress for the role of Nancy and three young actors who will take turns as Oliver in the Lionel Bart musical

I want to see it NOW please. I don't know what happened to the rumoured My Fair Lady.

Highlarious

Craig Revel Horwood singing on it takes two thank the lord for youtube. I'm speechless except for the sound of hysterical laughing. Last time he sang I thought he was quite good... he's still my favourite in fact I hate all the other judges on Strictly now that Arlene has gone weird randomly shouting pole and Poland at people.

Big Mouth

James Corden and Matthew Horne are the new Big Brother's Big Mouth presenters but it doesn't make it clear if it's just for Celebrity Hijack next month. I'm not keen on them anyway and Gavin & Stacey is a bit rubbish too. Other things I'm not keen on are Cerys Matthews in her pants in tabloids. Urgh.

Noooooooooooooo

Dermot is leaving BBLB. Oh well BB is over that's it then. I'm off to have a Nikki style tantrum.

Nooooooooo

The pig men still in and Lynne out. I'm making a sad face. I expect J (blind as a bat) and Gemma (not many bikini shots yet) will be in the last four so that will be exciting...

Trial - John and J.

Evil Katie out

She just wasn't evil enough on this programme and people were a little bit disappointed.

I'm overjoyed Lynne and Cerys are still in.

The new evil one Marc Bannerman has been behaving oddly on itv2 I see, first telling strange jokes for no reason and then assaulting a toad with a mop...

Trial people today - Anna and Rodney.

Marc's exit

Poor Marc's girlf. Bad Marc for trying to get it on with another girl in t'jungle. Not good to watch him mugging his way thro his exit interview while knowing he's been dumped for making a twat of himself, tho. Then again ...

"The gossip is it's all a set-up, that they (Marc and Sarah) agreed Marc would go in and flirt outrageously with someone."

hmmmm .... not sure that his ashed-faced appearance for the tabs was put on, meself. In other news ...

• Ant 'n' Dec say Malc was scared "He changed his mind after seeing the medic, who briefed him on everything in the jungle. The medic tells you what to look out for and what is poisonous," Ant said. "Odd that he changed his mind after that."
• Right Said Fred moan about being too sexy for jungle
• Lynne's boyf gets cross about her editing
• Janice and Lynne demand mouthwash
  

and in ex-IAC-ers news

• Buy Joe Pasquale's Space Wagon
• or buy Sophie Anterton. Allegedly.

Marc gone

Yay a bloke out first, not the right one but the pig men were all immune. Hopefully Cerys can shine on her own now... Gemma is doing the trial, Cerys may be doing it too but I only saw Gemma in the trial gear but they (Lynne, Katie and Biggins) were talking about them both so may be both. That's right I'm watching the live feed on itv.com I am that sad.

funnily enough ..

... in this series of IAC, post-PremiumrateGate, we never hear A'n'D telling us how close the voting is and urging us to vote now, there's just a few votes in it. Coincidence, I'm sure. Likewise how some stars are now excluded from a trial "on medical advice". Hmmmm, is it all possible that in previous series the results were rigged so that "unwell" slebs didn't have to take part in a particular task? Meanwhile in the jungle, would Rodney and Janice Please Go Away. edit: oh and John Must Go Too. Rodney first. Go Biggins [insert 'camp' gag here]!

B&TG gets better every week. This week, the makeovers! Whoo hoo bleurgh. Yes the geeks looked 'better' afterwards but they also looked like everyone else. Well except poor Mario for whom nothing was done as far as I can see, he looked worse 'after' than 'before'. I love Nate and Scooter and think they should have been left alone, beards and bermuda formal wear and all.

Two Tribes

I love the two camps shame they are being joined together today. On the live streaming Lynne and The Evil Katie are talking about business... Lynne is more successful than you btw Evil Katie in case you didn't know... I'm very glad two people (at the mo) are doing the trials as one person being voted all the time is so very boring. Hopefully John will lose the trial like Rodney did...

In other news... next weeks Beauty and the Geek is makeover time WOO. No one will scrub up as good as Wes did.

Evil Katie is in

Woo. She should have a name a bit more evil than Katie it doesn't suit her. They've put her in Team Bitch (Snake Rock) which is strange as Team Nice need a bitch more. I was watching The Crocs last night on the website streaming and they are being too nice.

IACGMOOH in 'fake' claim shock!

Malcolm is now saying he left because it's all a fix, not because of the snakes.

McLaren, 61, said he left the show because it was 'fake' and 'fixed'. The former Sex Pistols manager said: 'This is not a reality show, it's a fake. They know who's going to win and lose. There are about 550 people in the jungle. It might have been a jungle once upon a time, but now it's a film set' claims McLaren.

No! A reality teevee show more of a film set than a real jungle! Fixed by the producers! I'm sure poor Malcolm was shocked to his very soul by the very idea of media manipulation.

Meanwhile in the jungle, Anna R-R is crying already. Bless.

Bikini watch

In bikini news Gemma Atkinson is only taking two bikinis and Marc Bannerman won't go naked as he doesn't want to offend his mother, better take a bikini or two then.

'celebrity' gets out of there already

According to Gold Coast News, Malcom McLaren has walked out of I'm a Celebrity before it even starts broadcasting, after they told him about the nasty snakes.

I've said it before and I'll say it again, never mind yer so-called punk icons, we want Jimmy Cricket. He even has his own wellies.

Official starting line up

Anna Ryder Richardson ~ changing rooms
Cerys Matthews ~ YAY 'cited. Cerys to win Cerys to win Cerys to win Cerys to win
Gemma Atkinson ~ soapstar superstar
Janice Dickinson ~ YAY mad. Janice to come second
Jason "J" Brown ~ 5IVE
John Burton Race ~ tv cooking show type
Lynne Franks ~ ab fab type
Malcolm McLaren ~ malcolm mclaren type
Marc Bannerman ~ eastenders type
Rodney Marsh ~ football type

I'm sure there will be others coming later... *crosses everything for Biggins and Hopkins The Evil One.*

I'm a celebrity contestants: a Guardianista's Guide

IAC line up announced in today's papers:

• Anna Ryder Richardson: TV make-over expert, best known for her stint on BBC1's Changing Rooms.
• Gemma Atkinson: Bikini-friendly former Hollyoaks actress who takes on the mantle of this year's obligatory tabloid 'babe'; unsurprisingly used to illustrate most of the papers' coverage today.
• Rodney Marsh: Soccer star turned pundit; fired by Sky Sports after a "tasteless" on-air joke about the Asian tsunami.
• Koo Stark: Former girlfriend of Prince Andrew - one for the Daily Mail crowd.
• Malcolm McLaren: Punk impresario - this year's John Lydon.
• Janice Dickinson: Self-professed 'world's first supermodel', recently seen on America's Next Top Model and something on Living; unkindly described as "ageing" by the Mail this morning.
• Cerys Matthews: Former lead singer of Welsh band Catatonia.
• Marc Bannerman: You remember, he used to be in EastEnders as Gianni di Marco. Tastefully told the Mirror this morning that he had been "nibbling on his cat's bollocks" in preparation for eating kangaroos' testicles.
• Katie Hopkins: The Apprentice's superbitch.
• Jason 'J' Brown: Was in boyband 5ive, a late-90s popular beat combo.
• Christopher Biggins: professional panto artiste and former Rent-a-Ghost favourite.
• Richard and Fred Fairbrass: Lead singers in Right Said Fred, still big in Germany; prepare yourself for endless variations on the 'we are too sexy for this show' theme; being seen as one person by the programme, like Samanda were in Big Bro.
• Lynne Franks: PR guru and the alleged inspiration behind Ab Fab.
• John Burton Race: Who, you might ask? He is a Michelin-starred chef, apparently.

Christopher Biggins? Malcom McLaren??? Koo Stark should be good value.

Gabby the new Queen of Hearts

Could the judges and (some) fans of Strictly please stop moaning about two of the chosen ones being in the bottom two especially the judges who don't seem to realise they are on a popularity contest on the tv. The result was brilliant except Penny needed to go out.

The main thing is that James Jordan the mean pig dancer is out. Ha hahahaha. I really don't like him...

tracking monkeys with lasers

New series of Beauty and the Geek has started on E4 and although I hate the premise of the show (it is not, in fact, impossible for girls to be both smart and beautiful; boys too, of course). I'm loving most of the geeks (although none of this lot track monkeys with lasers booo). Fave so far is Nate, what's not to love about someone who's in a Star Wars tribute band? The editing of the girls is so annoying tho, surely no-one could be that dumb and still able to walk and breathe at the same time?

Anyways I'm auditioning for the UK series, although not sure whether as a beauty or a geek

15 days

new series of I'm a Celebrity starts on 12 November. Yay-ish. Bit worried about the quality of guests, last rumour I heard was Dennis Rodman gah plus masses of people I have never heard off plus maybe Richard Fairbrass (Daz ads obviously not paying enough). Not that it matters so long as The Geordie Messiahs are presenting, phone-in scandal or no phone-in scandal (just because they're exec producers doesn't mean they know what's going on, obv). On our holidays in Whitley Bay, the kids entertainers were always The Next Ant 'n' Dec to me. They were great at what they were doing and as they hoofed their way through the Macarena (again), I couldn't help thinking they dreamed of this year Whitley Bay, next year The World!

Brandon Block alert

I see he's been snuck into the Celeb Scissorhands cast, excellent news. There are far too many reality tv things on tonight - Strictly, Runway, America's next top and Scissorhands... grr.

Excellent X Factor result smug Daniel out and some mad songs - build me up buttercup and stayin alive... what the feck? and Strictly slight spoiler............................... interesting bottom two on Strictly I read on the net... mwahahahahaha.

Poor Leon

Who the hell chose that for him? Odd. Predictably after hating Same Difference I now love them, I'm all for a Steps revival at any time. I hope all the kiddies who like High School Musical vote for them. My fave bit was when Dermot kissed the bloke. Anyway Same Difference for Eurovision please.

How could you not like a man like this?

Ok I hated him the first (and second and third) time I saw him but at least he is different from the others. From The Mirror

He goes around in a black balaclava when he's about to perform, like something from the IRA, so he doesn't catch a cold."

I hope Rhydian doesn't go out of the X Factor tonight he needs to stay for amusement.

Michael Barry says: "Rhydian told me they sent him an email telling him to arrive between 11am and 12pm - and sent everyone else one that said to arrive at 10am. Then they show him being told off for arriving late. It's a nasty way to treat a talented young man."

That makes me laugh the thought they told Rhydian a different time so they could film him being late and arrogant.

Look what's on Dave

The Apprentice series one tonight. I'm tempted to record even though I have it on dvd from ebay, except I lent it to my sister and she never gave it back hmph. Dave has gone up in my estimation now.

so what was the point?

Bloody Mardy Jeremy and Weepy Jane won. Obviously on the final challenge, while perky twins Jess and Laura were organising themselves, decorating their restaurant, planning menus, buying food, cooking it, etc etc, Jane was crying and Jeremy was like a rabbit trapped in the headlights at the market. Have to give Jezza credit tho, as he patted a wailing Jane on the shoulder and supportively gave out some flyers for her.

OK yes so I know it's all in the edit and we don't even see the half of it. But why was it edited to make Jeremy and Jane look so bastard useless when they were The Chosen Ones? And indeed why bother to go through the whole of the last 8 weeks with challenges and such, when Raymond could've just decided in week 1, as his main criteria seems to have been who cooked the ponciest food. Yes he has chosen to go into business with a man who thinks cooking on the telly is scarier than fighting in Afghanistan.

I feel robbed.

bloody Jeremy's going to bloody win!

Oh no bad Raymond bad bad bad for firing lovely Laura and not-quite-so-lovely Grant. Now the final is between the PerkyTwins and Mr MoodyChops and I have a horrible feeling Moody Jezza's poncey food is going to appeal to Raymond more than the Wholesome Twins' wholesome whole foods and so Jeremy will win aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh

won't it be luvverly

Professional cockney sparrow Martine McCutcheon is going to be a judge in The Lord's next tv show My Fair Lady. I bloody love that fillum. I'm a good girl I am.

quelle travesty!

belated Restaurant news. Last week's challenge was Lloyd & Adwoa vs Grant & Laura. wtf? how did it happen that one of those two (who should be the 2 finalists imo) is getting eliminated when mardy-bastard-Jeremy is safe into the next round? Anyway Lloyd & Adwoa got closed, which was the right decision 'on the night', on the basis of the particulalry stoopid 'singles night' challenge. Jeremy must go this week, final to be Grant & Lovely Laura vs the Perky Twins, Perky Twins to get marked down for perkiness in excess of legal limits (two further offences of bubbly blondeness also taken into consideration), lovely Laura to give birth immediately after winning the final and name the baby Jacque-Raymond.

Celeb BB replacement...

Hmm... from the offish site.

Big Brother's been hijacked!

Many celebrities have caused chaos ON Big Brother, but in January 2008 - for the first time ever - a rogues gallery of stars, slebs and boffins will be seizing control to actually BECOME Big Brother.

From dictating tasks to interrogating inmates and controlling nominations the great, good and ghastly will be ripping up the rule book, holding rewards to ransom and generally creating mayhem alongside the REAL Big Brother in 'Big Brother: Celebrity Hijack.'

Their willing hostages? A houseful of Britain's most exceptional and extraordinary 18 to 21 year olds.

Over the next few weeks Big Brother will be combing the UK's hottest young artists, athletes, scientists, musicians, entrepreneurs, fashion gurus and dons in every other field to assemble a cast of pure prodigies.

If you're aged 18 to 21 and think you've got the talent it takes, make sure you come back here later this week for full details on how to apply.

Screeeeeeeeeeam

America's Next Top Model is on Freeview!!!!!! At last!!!!! (Virgin 1) Of course it is on a Sunday, day of Runway and SCD but I will find a way to watch it. My fave programme ever Seinfeld is on before it too.

Project Dogwalk

I hope you didn't miss the doggy dress-up fest, Judeee.

Fabulous episode description from Gothamist (warning spoiler for dog episode in case you've recorded it). And Gothamist has this mouthwatering note ....

And next week is the episode where someone gets kicked out. There were suspicions that the designer would be booted because of some portfolio discrepancies, but based on the previews, which included Kayne saying, "I don't understand" what's going on and Robert replying that there are very strict/clear (we think) rules about what they can and cannot do. So it sounds more like the removed designer is doing drugs, sabotaging someone else or something along those lines.

Oh for fecks sake

Been waiting for Project Runway to be on for two weeks on Sky 3... When is it on? When Strictly and the X Factor are on the other sides tomorrow... ARGH! I have already read the results for Strictly (the BBC will get what is coming to them one day for messing with the Strictly format/Sunday results/Saturday recording) and the X Factor on Digi Spy but I still have to watch/record them. I think Project is repeated... Sigh...

Dicky and Dolly (and Liam)

Liam looking like he is glad he was on BB this year and not a previous one...

I'm disappointed tonight that I have seen no one (Peter Brame) on X Factor from Fame Academy as rumoured. Nice to see that Ricardo is still being employed on shampoo ads though. They should get him on Celeb Scissorhands.

Scissorhands back

With new assistant manager... Mr Steve Strange... ha ha I hope that bit's true. I'm looking forward to Wife Swap on Sunday with Pete Burns and Razor Ruddock. Runway back next week. Woo.

Ccchanges

The beeb are messing with Strictly moving the results to Sunday and probably prerecording the results on a Saturday so they'll leak and it'll be like BB where you always know who will go. Hmph. Also the judges get the final say. Double hmph.

In better news I'm watching America's Top Model 8 on you tube. Happy days! I hope Runway comes back to Sky 3 soon two weeks off is bad.

tsk @ Raymond

After the local produce/history challenge, Tom and Nicola got closed. Hmm. Now it's not that they don't deserve it, what with Nicola's inability to cook on a large scale and the oven-hogging scandal last week and ffs what were they thinking chosing an Mosley/Mitford theme night? Who thinks, "ooh the leader of the Blackshirts and his lovely wife were interred in our restaurant during the war, such a glamorous couple, they got married at the home of Joseph Goebbels, with Adolf Hitler as guest of honour, I know let's have use that as a theme?"

But but but, that said, Mr Mardy-Arse Jeremy and what-is-she-doing-with-him Jane should've gone, for Jeremy's abject failure to know what's in season, adapt to anything he doesn't like and being in a perpetual sulk. Oh and making shite food despite not even keeping to the rules. Most of all for Jane's enabling of Jeremy, it's like Sam and Jacqui, what is it with these women making so many excuses and trying to cover up and work around their partner's useless self-obsessed immaturity?

Oh and while we're complaining, why is Your Fried not on BBC iPlayer this week hmm hhmm hmmmmm bah.

Du du du du du du DU DU

'Citing. The SCD list is up. Of most interest to me is who is dancing with my faves.

Dominic Littlewood from morning tv with the lovely Lilia.

Letitia Dean from Eastenders with the lovely Darren

Kelly Brook from being photographed in her underwear with Brendan. See what they've done there? Ha ha.

And the 'let's laugh at who they've put with Anton' this year goes to Kate Garraway. Just as long as they make it to a week where Anton gets to wear a catsuit I'll be happy (and pointing and laughing).

In my new favourites list comes Alesha Dixon with Matthew Cutler and Penny Lancaster-Stewart with Ian Waite.

I'd love Camilla to win this year she's with a young bloke (Gethin Jones from Blue Peter apparently) so there's a chance.



Gabby Logan and her husband are paired with James Jordan and his wife Ola. I don't like them two (J&O). Boo them. Boooooooo. I dislike Vincent (Stephanie Beacham omg I hope she hits him) and Flavia (Deano Wicks!) too. So hopefully none of them will win.

Ooh I'm excited.

Series three

Of Project Runway looks like it has some interesting people on it. I only taped it by chance as people at Digi Spy said it was series two being re shown. Could of done without seeing Santino again... I liked Jay's new look though.

More at DS... Katie Hopkins (boo hiss hurrah) lined up perhaps for Cirque De Celebrité or IACGMOOH. I lasted all of 2 minutes watching Cirque De last series.

atmosphere, I love a restaurant with a crazy atmosphere

Raymond Blanc: "so Sam and Jacqui, tell me why I shouldn't close your restaurant?"
Jacqui: "We don't know about costing, food or service but we give great atmosphere."
RB: "feck off you're closed"

Go Bolton, Martin and Emma are saved - tho no thanks to BadMans Tom and Nicola hogging all the ovens. Looking forward to another chance to laugh at Sam on the hilarious-named spin-off "You're fried" (geddit?).

just close Sam

The Restaurant is starting to annoy me now, with its foolish tasks the 'bottom three' have to do, to give the rubbish-but-good-telly couples a chance to stay in when it's obv to anyone that Raymond Blanc¹ should just fire close them there and then.

In fact they should get their own jazz drumsticks shoved up their arse after last night's² performance, where Sam was too busy getting his drum kit out to do any cooking (even if he could, which he can't) then blamed his chef-underling for the evening's disaster and sacked him. And and and flippin Jacqui, instead of telling him to pull himself together and stop pissing about, strokes his arm and his ego and mops his poor brow and tells him how brilliant he is, then turns up her perkiness to 11 in an effort to cover up the horribleness.

But instead of just chucking him off, Sam and Jacqui go into the challenge with 2 other couples, and probably they will survive because they make good telly whereas the Bolton couple are less photogenic and so will probably get closed. Bah bah bah.


1. as voiced by Edouard laPaglie - look at the front of his 'arse
2. or this morning's by the power of BBC iPlayer

Hell's people

Adele Silva ~ Dipsy Emmerdale type

Lee Ryan ~ Mad one from Blue

Barry McGuigan ~ Boxer bloke

Abigail Clancy ~ Abigail Clancy! Yay! Britain's Next Top Model loser/runner up and Scouse drug WAG. Will probably cook chunky chips.

Rosie Boycott ~ Newspaper journo type

Jim Davidson ~ Foul 'comedian'

'Challenge' Anneka Rice ~ Jumpsuits etc

Paul Young ~ Wasn't he on Celeb Masterchef?

Kelly LeBrock ~ Woman in red?

Brian Dowling ~ YAY! Will Narinda make an appearance to plug her book?

Obviously as a reality tv fan I'm happy there are two reality tv people in there.
----

In other news... I hate Rebecca from Britain's Next Top Model and was quite happy that Brian won BB. I was not happy that evil pig Liam came third. Urgh. I hope Monkety-Tunkety gets deals though...

for the sake of completeness

Brian Belo won. I have no idea if this is good or bad. I didn't watch at all this year. Not out of any 'it's not as good as it used to be' snobbiness but because I just didn't have the time. Celebrity Big Bro has been cancelled for next year, which is a shame cos (apart from outbreaks of racism) it's better than the main show, more interesting people and a manageable timescale.

it's Ifti all over again

American woman and her jazzoid husband should've been fired closed for trying to foist a jazz band on their poor guests. But it was The Scottish Couple (Chris & Jade) who went, cos they missed Scotland boo hoo hoo aww bah. Bah I hates it when people are pathetic and throw in the towel cos they miss their mum/kid/homeland/teddy. If you're finding it hard because of those kind of things, then do the decent thing and leave, don't wait until you're about to get fired anyway and then start wibbling.

kitchen apprentice

Well I tried to watch the first The Apprentice Restaurant last night, but as I was simulatenously attempting to master the rules of YuGiOh, I couldn't give it my full atention (clips on the website but not showing up on BBC iPlayer boo). Most of the contestants seem promising point-and-laugh-at-the-twunts material, but it is a complete rip-off of homage to The Apprentice, complete with same narrator, same incidental music, and boss's all-seeing sidekicks. Also I don't approve of Raymond Blanc's non-shouty approach. The swearing and the humiliation, tis what we watch the reality teevee for. (I approve of his food tho).

True Hell in the Kitchen

Jim Davidson joins 'Hell's Kitchen'.
'Nuff said. Sigh.

We can work for the bloody money

Poor scrapheap Carole... brave Gerry... an emotional BB night... or not... I hope Freddy isn't being evicted as well. Monkety-Tunkety is still there anyway.

Pete Burns joy

Presenting Big Mouth this week and due to be on Wife Swap.

'Citing new thing

Gerry says you can see the showers and the toilet on the internet feed. I'd like to complain mine seems to just feature people talking in a caravan and occasionally a bedroom.

Get Gerry out

He's driving me mad, he is still whining about Laura, how awful she was but also how they all thought she was so popular because of her personality and her sense of humour. Umm the personality and sense of humour you and most of the house hated... I liked it when he hoovered up Monkety-Tunkety though. Death to Monkety Tunkety. When Jonty is waving him at the twins it's like Sexual Harassment Panda is in the BB house.

Someone calm me down

Rumours that Chanelle is returning in some form are annoying me.

That's the way aha aha

BB3 housemates Alex and Adele are in the BB house it's for a task they're not staying but how odd. Alex! Adele! Brian and Kara Louise are doing the task with them, Brian is unsurprisingly loving it. Brian - 'this is better than meeting Jennifer Lopez' I quite agree.

In other news the twins are now one housemate... non surprise they will be leaving together.

please not

I'm a celebrity next series contestant rumours ....

• Gazza
• Katie BadMan Hopkins
• Barrymore
• Sally Psychic Morgan
• Pete yawn Doherty

... all according to that impeccable source 'insiders told the Daily Star'
oh and also Charley & Chanelle to be on Strictly Come Dancing.

Dance X

Is the worst programme EVER. I think the only fun will be Bruno losing every single week. Arlene's group singing the Chili Peppers is the worse thing I have ever heard. I can't believe they have scrapped Strictly Dance Fever for this rubbish.

Welsh news

on my holidays in lovely Pembrokeshire, where there is much reality teevee happenings. Sadly I found out about Connie's personal appearance in her home town(ish) too late to go along, but I did see many (many) trailers on the tellybox for Glyn's Eisteddfod news and Big Welsh Challenge.

Deal with it BB house

Yay Tracey's still there.

Noms

David, Shanessa, Tracey and Kara-Louise...

I hate this week and all these twists just to get out who the people behind BB want out. They've just made it up as they went along, they haven't done what was announced on BBLB, they just changed it all.

By all this I mean SAVE TRACEY!

Poor Tracey

In the house next door with David, Shannesa and umm the other one. What the point of all this backward and forwarding to the other house has been for I don't know. Except it was always going to be Tracey or Carole up for the vote me thinks. I hope Tracey stays.

I'm not exactly believing this unbelievably contrived Liam and Amy thing. I hope she tells him to feck off and soon. Ziggy and Liam are the enemy they must be destroyed... mostly Liam, I'm trying to recruit for my anti Liam club.

Hair news

Chanelle has had her hair done by 'David Beckham's stylist' was it Aidee from The Salon? I imagine channel 4 have him on call, why didn't they get that bloke who was on Celebrity Scissorhands he 'invented' the Pob.

In boring 'house not hair' news Liam is in the HWH/house next door as Shanessa (god help us) won the jack in the box task and is in the main house and she chose Liam to go next door.

Ziggy next door

Ziggy's in the house next door or the HWH as you have to call it by law. He volunteered as he was scared Chanelle was coming back to the main house (I lie).

Oh yeah Kara-Louise (the one that's not a glamour model or stripper) and David (the one that's Scottish) are now in the main house.

Gone (again)

Left gone out of there. Woo. Chanelle is no more in the BB house. At last thank god.

Me and Carole can be happy now (as if).

Oh ffs

She is still there. Ridiculous. If she can't go right now for some mysterious BB reason why announce it on the BB site?

Chanelle went... then came back... then went again...

Chanelle gone. HIP HIP HOORAY.

The female house next door-ers aren't any improvement though. Sigh... no sign of Pete Burns or anyone from Castaway.

Ffs she's come out of the diary room................. oh she's forgotten something LEAVE ALREADY... Carole, Liam and Welsh newbie with odd name are talking about her and Gerry's crying etc and she's in the next room like she's back but she's not. LEAVE!

I can't believe she's still there even though she's left. Stop stalking us poor viewers and LEAVE!

Then she went again then came back... bored now. Channel 4 and digi spy both said she had left so it was official. I'm very annoyed.

More amusing rumours

Hassan from Castaway to join BB house! Or ex BB housemates as it is Big Brother's birthday (apparently the first one started on the 14 July 2000). Or none of those. I'm still waiting for Pete Burns.

I like rumours

RUMOURS that PETE BURNS is to be sent into the Big Brother house are circulating.

It is claimed that Pete — who starred in last year’s Celeb BB — has been in secret talks with producers.

There is also speculation that two new contestants will enter the house tonight. A Channel 4 spokeswoman said: “There’s nothing to report.

Probably just a lovely rumour...

Yeah whatever I'm better than you anyway 'what's on tv'

And did I mention I won a show about being a clown or something?

Happy weddingness

Pete Burns has married the long suffering Michael and it's all being filmed for Living. Yay! From Ireland on line.

I hate BB twists that don't start right away. I already hate the woman involved just because she was on a programme called 'Balls of Steel' that sounds highly annoying.

Pete Burns reported to be sniggering in a corner

Living the Dream no more.

Celebrity Big Brother stars Chantelle Houghton and Samuel Preston have split after 10 months of marriage.

Wow I'm so like not at all shocked... next Chanelle and Ziggy will be spitting up, then getting back together then spitting up, then getting back together.

The best thing about this BB is

The people (viewers) who despise Charley. I don't know what the big fuss is apart from her fake tantrums as they are oh so so very rubbish but everything else is amusing. The best bit is how much she's hated though 'tis amusing.

Anyway... Carole, Billi and Tracey up for eviction... Billi fave to go apparently. Ooh I love it when younger men are kicked out and older women are left in, their tiny minds (and those around them) just can't fathom what is going on. Tee hee.

Brian fired (not quite) Louis hired

Louis Walsh is back on the X Factor? After all that fuss about him got rid of? Brian Friedman is going to

become the show's creative director, coaching contestants in choreography and styling

according to bbc news.

So we're back to the Louis and Sharon show... grrreat. Of course this may all change in the next few days as Simon Cowell gets bored of Louis again.

We are thrilled to have Louis back to the X Factor," said Paul Jackson, ITV's Director of Entertainment and Comedy. Viewers will see the story unfold on screen when the series returns later in the year.

I can see it now, Simon looking sad and saying 'we've made a terrible mistake' just like he did with Ray on last years XF and those replacement acts on Britain's got talent.

In other news... BB was funny last night with Nicky and Charley competing over who could dress more slutty around Liam and this was after Liam saying he liked more aloof women. Michelle Bass would be more aloof compared to those two.

Liam gets given loads of dosh

Liam! How did they come up with him? Why give them one minute to decide? An hour would of been better, why does everything on BB have a 50 minute boring build up then one minute for a decision.

Liam! He's been there 5 days, I feel sorry for the others who may have got the money on their 5th day but now they've been in the house weeks and they're all bored with each other so give the money to a newbie.

Liam! He'll probably win anyway. I can't believe anyone in the house really is meant to believe that there's now no prize money... anyway as all BB viewers and housemates know you can make more than that by appearing in the mags, well if you can take off your clothes or be in a 'relationship' with another housemate for a few months. Liam can do both of them so he didn't need the money.

I don't know who 'deserved' it, I would of given it to Tracey she could have financed her coach holidays to Amsterdam for the rest of her life with that.

Vileness and soft toys

Lesley (BB8) on Big Mouth 'I can't tell the difference between Charley and Brian' added to her 'Charley is playing the race card' remark on BBLB I've quite gone off her!

Poor Gerry, his monkey was put in a condom last night... poor monkey. Chanelle's Betsy was as well but Betsy obviously enjoyed it as Chanelle wasn't upset (for once).

Tonight - rumours blah Davina blah cash money blah secret lofts blah the usual blah.

Bad bad bad

Carole, Jonathan and Seany up for eviction. Boo.

Boooooooo.

Too early for Jonathan. I'm calling Age Concern, age discrimination is rife in the BB house.

Ireland's got straight hair

I like Seany's new straight hair, I've decided I quite like him at the same time as quite hating him.

I need a warning for Britain's got talent if on turning over from Dr Who you are confronted by fake blood, as someone who has become the most squeamish person ever in the last few years I can't take such things. Worse was to come though... that child singing... she's on the front of the Sunday Mirror today! If she wins she is going to give her money away to African children... that opera bloke will have to come up with something to win over her.

A new BGT 'scandal' today. Fancy inviting a tabloid journo for a 'sordid sex session'. Tsk and all that. Anyway forget BGT I see a new show 'search for the next kit kat doll' it'd be a hit in my house.

I don't like Brian

Too sweary and wears things saying 'romeo 1' and 'no 1 Essex boy' on them. I think that's enough reason to dislike someone on BB.

The others... Liam seems too normal for BB (which probably means as he's a bloke he'll win) and Jonathan seems too rich. I love the way people think him (Mr Moneybags) and Carole should get together, I bet he'd be very upset to hear that (his friend on Big Mouth said he'd be more interested in Charley, well duh). I liked the way Nikki (BB7 not BB8 one) kept slagging off Billi (the other newbie) on Big Mouth in front of his family and friends.

There are now too many people you just know there will be 5 left on the last night and it will be stupid and rushed, plus it will probably be 5 blinking men.

Poor mad Shabnam 80ish% vote that's not right.

The new ones are currently in the rainy garden seemingly (mostly no sound) practising YMCA for a task.

Britain's got talent is rubbish I am now watching a bit of it and it is bad. Mini musical singers and ghastly pre teen dancing. Urgh urgh urgh. Today I am mostly thinking about this . Both The Sun and The Mirror went with 'Britain's got pervert(s)'.

Fellas

'Fellas' that's a strange word but one The Sun are using today. I prefer 'blokes'. So some blokes are arriving tonight, four of them and they are 'straight' I have no idea how they conducted this test to prove they are 'straight' but Ziggy will be happy... he loves the straights he does. One is apparently an ex cricket fella bloke who is now a tree surgeon. He'd be better off on strictly come dancing.

Crazy chicknam

Shabnam on Britain's got talent clicky clicky youtubey type thing. I like Shabnam I think. I'm not sure, she's quite odd.

I'm not watching Britain's got talent it seems strange. It's a reality tv programme (sort of), people are talking about it and I'm not watching it. Hmmmmmm. Something is odd about that. It's no pussycat dolls.

I've decided who I hate the mostest, that would be Ziggy, actually I'm not keen on any of these men in the house (especially feckin Seany grr). Just rename it Big Sister and ban men I say. Me and Nicky would be happy then. You can tell Nicky used to be larger. Obsessed. With. Food.

joy of schadenfreude

Katie fired

Katie Hopkins, a contender on BBC One's The Apprentice, has been fired from her real job, her employer has confirmed.

The Met Office, where the 31-year-old worked as a brand consultant, said she failed to pass a probationary period.

... spokesman also denied reports that Katie was earning £90,000 as a brand manager for the organisation.

After bowing out of the contest, she sold her story to a Sunday newspaper, giving intimate details of her love life.

and why oh why oh why does the Met Office need a 'brand manager' at however may thousands a year? It's the Met Office, it does weather, as any fule kno. Do you get a better quality of weather if you order it from the Met Office?

No I'm straight

Tee hee.

Seany 'are you ok'?

Ziggy 'no I'm straight'

Lesley has left the building (boo hiss). I'm quite annoyed and extremely unsurprised.

It is a bad day Joseph any dream will do will be over. I don't really care who wins as long as it's Lee.

But if Lee wins it will be as predictable as when Connie won. Actually I really don't care who wins I just wish it wasn't finishing.

Over on Grease... if evil Michelle wins I will be horrified. Oh how I hate David Ian, it's just like his support of Siobhan in how do you solve a problem like Maria? last time. A quick google tells me he has cast Siobhan in Grease... good grief will the evil never end? Funnily enough she's only in the rubbish role of 'straight-laced cheerleader Patty Simcox who has a crush on Danny' probably because she is rubbish.

sharp pointy sticks at the ready

So, penultimate Apprentice = the interview episode, where some of Sir A's mates grill the candidates and 3 get fired. Now deity knows I am no fan of Katie or Krisitna but I did think they were asked some very unfair and quite probably illegal questions about their single motherness and child care commitments. Margaret, you're a lawyer (also a woman), could you explain the Sex Discrimination Act to Sir A?

Anyways Sir A fired Lohit (mr dull) and Tre. Bah @ firing Tre, although he did make a bit of an arse of himself at the interviews, insisting he was a global business tycoon when it turns out he helps out in his dad's businesses and works out of his spare bedroom, sorry, his 'home office'. But I liked Tre, for all that he was a dreadful bullshitter.

And then there was Katie. Who had put on her application form, by way of evidence of her ruthlessness, that she had stolen someone else's husband. Who Sir A told was selected for the final, but then put her on the spot about whether she would actually move to London. And then she seemed to bottle it, as she had inexplicably failed to sort out how she would manage to do the job, before applying. Which seems to confirm Sir A''s suspicions that she wasn't in it for the job. If she really wanted to work for Sir A, surely as an alpha female she'd've got the practicalities of it all worked out before going on the show? Her subsequent appearance on You're Fired was vomit-inducing, as she turned up in a nice frock with her hair down and simpered her way thro, trying to overturn her previous image as posh arrogant snob. Well it didn't work hah. She said people stop her in the street to congratulate her. If I ever see her in the street, I will hope I have my trusty knitting needles to hand ...

So, a Simon & Kristina final. I don't like either of them (Simon a bit nice but dim, also a bit of a scary stalker when it comes to his encyclopedic Amstrad knowledge and Kristina's 'how dare you call me a feminist' reaction has never endeared me to her, nor the fact she is a professional pill pusher). But hey it beats the carp out of the racist-blonds fest over on C4.

Stupid racist posh girls

Now you'd have to be extremely stupid as well as racist to say that on this Big Brother. I like the way they are removing people in the middle of the night now. Pah me and my foolish sleeping and missing all the DRAMA!

Another vote bites the dust then...

How different from Shipwrecked where the stupid racist posh girl (thinks slaves are a good thing, sorry, thought slaves were a good thing, she changed her mind after being on the front of a tabloid) is up for Shipwrecker of the year! Did I hear wrong on Shipwrecked that the prize next year was 100 grand next year????

Emily is removed from Big Brother

Emily is removed from Big Brother

Emily Parr has been removed from the Big Brother house for using a racially offensive word to another housemate.

The 19-year-old from Bristol was taken out of the compound at 0330 BST and was forbidden from having any further contact with the 11 other contestants.

This week's eviction vote has been suspended, in which Emily was nominated along with Shabnam Paryani.

“I don’t do losing. I win. Team Emily”.

So... Bristol my home city is on the BB map. Enter Emily Parr a nineteen year old Student who proclaimed on entry "There's this new music sweeping the country called Indie"

Imagine my DJ cringing face. New music? Indie? Maybe I'd rather Tory posh chick Emily would fall off the Bristol map pretty swiftly.

I did wonder whether people would watch BB8 after all the nastiness and controversy but people love all that nasty shit. My teen girls are hooked already. My 13 year old step son knows every ones name age and occupation.

Am I watching it? Well in my capacity as a member of this lovely blog... yes. But not all the time, not full on like I used to. I'm keeping an eye on things..... and we'll see.

Meanwhile if you want a real look at BB8 check out Grace Dent. She's simply the best and sooo funny.

Be back soon

Tx

la la la la la la la I'm not listening la la la la la

Abosolutley nothing happened in the world of reality teevee last night except the Apprentice, in which Naomi got fired. It was the seller-vision challenge again and unlike last time they all made a complete arse of it. They were all dreadful at selling on teevee. By rights Kristina should've been sacked for the shocking job she did with the vacuum cleaner thingy. Simon should've been sacked for general Simon-ness and complete ineptitude in the face of a crisis. But yes I have to agree Naomi deserved it too. Wtf was she thinking, decoupage sticky buds? Oh and Katie. Well bite my @rse and call me Mavis, for I am apparantly her ideal customer for crapoloa vacuum cleaners, having as I do a large bust and a fondness for knitting. Yes and you know just where I'm going to stick my sharp pointy sticks don't you Ms Hopkins?

Castaway gone away

Castaway was won by Grumpy Jon I guess we won't see another series so bye bye Castaway, I loved you anyway (except when you repeated yourself which was most of the time).

Shipwrecked still hasn't finished... Tiger Island's Ben Lunt was at the back of every shot (in the audience) of the judges on Grease Is The Word though (and Louis, Naomi and umm that other one) but mostly Ben Lunt and the amazing big hair he seems to have now.

No text voting!

I'm glad someone has actually admitted that a lot of the time text votes don't go through in time...

Channel 4 has halved the cost of eviction voting for Big Brother and said it will not make any profit from phone services on this year's show, which begins tomorrow.

The cost of calls to vote for Big Brother evictions will drop from 50p to 25p and Channel 4 has axed text voting altogether.

A 10p donation to charity will be made for each vote cast, with the remaining charge covering the costs incurred by Channel 4 to administer the system.

Channel 4 said text voting had been axed because mobile phone operators cannot process SMS messages within a time frame suitable for the voting procedures on the programme.

From Media Guardian.

news round up

I forgot to watch Project Runway last night so don't know if Ugly Betty's nephew is still in.

Asia won Search for the next Pussycat Doll hurrah she beat nasty Melissa. Robyn said all 3 finalists were 'in touch with their inner Pussycat Doll'. As they seem to have spend most of the series forgetting to put their clothes on on top of their undies before going on stage, I fear we are all in danger of bing in touch with the finalists' inner pussycat dolls.

And talking of pussycats (heh did you see what I did there), George Galloway is reported to be the new BBBM presenter. This news makes me very happy, as it will help me stay away from the whole sordid BB8 mess this summer. Even better, Chris "where's the off button?" Moyles is going to be doing it later in the series. No BBBM for me this year.

Meanwhile, tabloids say:
YOU'RE SIRED! Apprentice blonde's passion for married man
Apprentice' star Tre advised to cheer up taking advice from Syed would be such a great career move

and big brother news is everywhere, but I can't be arsed.

Speaking of mad googly eyes ...

nearlyl forgot to post this from Charlie Brooker's screen burn

Speaking of mad googly eyes, I'm now obsessed with Katie Hopkins from The Apprentice (Wed, 9pm, BBC1) - the bitchiest, most venomous contestant in the show's history. Apparently played by the old Spitting Image puppet of the Queen, wearing a blonde wig and glowing pale-blue contact lenses, Katie enjoys sticking the knife into her fellow contestants so much, she can't help smiling as she slags them off to camera. I can't help imagining if one of the others accidentally fell down the stairs, and lay at the bottom in a broken-necked comatose heap, she'd stand at the top grinning like a carnival mask and frantically rubbing her mimsy till the ambulance arrived. There's something unholy about her, like a possessed Ermintrude. Lord help Sir Alan if he finally decides to fire her. Her head'll start revolving and spewing green vomit. Here's hoping Nick Hewer carries a crucifix in his pocket.

Qu'es-ce que c'est le 'mimsy'?

different for girls?

becuase of the foopball I only turned over to the Apprentice in time for the boardroom, to see Jadine getting evicted fired. No idea if she deserved it but sad to see her go, I liked her. Also glad Tre stayed. He should've taken poshSimon in with him so poshSimon could get pushed hah. Then turned over for You're Fired, glad to see the Great British Public is going to hunt Katie down and kill her, not so glad to see Jadine turning up with ironed hair and a petticoat on, apparantly decided to try out for the UK version of Search for the Next Pussycat Doll. And even less glad to hear the businessman on the You're Fired panel being patroninsing about women in business missing their kiddies. Yeah cos it's not like mens ever miss their kiddies is it.

Big Brother news: as the whole world knows by now, C4 and Enditol have been told off in a very stern voice over Shilpagate. I find the suggestion they might be forced to show Jade allegedly reciting an allegedly racist alleged limerick. Perhaps she could go back into hiding and maybe safe-house share with Katie?

Big Bro starts all over again next Weds. Say goodbye to your summer, indeed. I may have to go and spend a few weeks in a tent to avoid temptation.

Joe!

Joe! Joe! Joe!

Joe Chicken out of Castaway before Big Al or feckin newbie Catrin I'm outraged.

Oh and Ken.

But Joe! How did that happen?

10 days to go

Says the voice of Big Brother doom on channel 4. Even I'm pretending I'm hardly going to watch it this year. I will of course watch it all but I'm determined not to enjoy it...

I'm hoping Big Al is voted off Castaway tonight I'm desperate to see how much weight he's lost and I have hated him ever since he said he was going to join the Tories when he leaves... nasty castaway Tory Clare recruiting on the BBC. Tut.

Daniel left ADWD/Joseph I was beyond happy to not have to see his smug smiley face again.

On Grease odd things are happening, swapping the couples around and them all being solo from now on. I want Alison and Kav to win but I smell a horrid Michelle conspiracy led by evil judge David Ian. Oh it annoys me that they split up Alison and former pop hunk Anthony Kavanagh Kav.

Over on everyone's favourite show (well it should be) Chelsea is in the final for the hunt for the next pussycat doll and on American Idol poor Melinda is out making way for tiresome beat boxing Blake and Jordin who spells her name funny.

It just looks like a cd to me

30th May apparently.

I'm more excited about who will 'win' (I have no idea what they win) Castaway. Joe Chicken, Young Al or lovely (ish) evil (ish) Jonathan? The even more exciting bit is when they get voted off and weighed that is my favourite bit.

Who will win Shipwrecked? and Shipwrecker of the year? Probably be Ben Lunt... I'd like Fiona to win something... anything. I read Louis is now dating Naomi I am shocked to my very core (whatever that means).

Apprenti-bulletin

Ghazal = sacked
Simon = tw*t
Kristina = evil
Katie = must die
Lohit = who?

hurrah

for Ewan Euan Iwan winning Deadline.

And hurrah also for young people's alcholic beverages - who knew VK had caffeine in till I couldn't sleep after drinking 4 bottles of the stuff down the student's union tonight? So I go up and yay a repeat of the Deadline final was on

woe is me

bah tonight I have to Go Out. I would not miss the finals of Deadline and Ann Maurice's Interior Rivalry for a lesser man than LKJ.

vive le guilloitine!

Like any good leftie, I maintain a mental 'first against the wall come the glorious day' list, and after last night's Apprentice Katie has been promoted to the top of it. Yes Adam was rubbish and deserved to get fired, as he spent the whole day in 'startled rabbit' mode but Katie's comments about northerners were astonishing. I know a lot of it's in the edit with all these shows but if you don't say it they can't edit it in. She is still the most crashingly arrogant snob it has been my misfortune to see on my telly box since the Fishing Party. I think perhaps she thinks she's being ironic and/or funny, but as Prince Harry's choice of fancy dress has already shown, there is a massive humour gap between braying upper class twats and the rest of us. I wonder when she's going to tell us what she thinks of jumped up cockney barrow boys and whether Sir A will be amused? I have my knitting needles at the ready.

I had high hopes of Jadine at the beginning, things have gone quiet on the Jadine front lately which is hopefully a good sign that she'll come to the fore later on. I also like Tre. He's my kind of arrogant git (ie not posh and not sneering). Disappionted in Ghazal, she's a bit poor. At the start of the series Sir A warned them not to come out with the 'I'm like you Sir A, I'm just a poor boy from a poor family' line; now I think he should also warn them off the 'give me a chance Sir A, make me team leader line'. Someome spouts that in the board room every week.

Apprentice rules question: are they banned from looking stuff up on t'internet on their blackberries? That can be the only explanation for why no-one googled 'nigella seeds'.

Sunday night fashion fest

Hurrah Project Runway series 2 is on Sky3. I am delighted to see Ugly Betty's camp nephew made it to the final 14. Heidi Klum's presenting style is enlivened for me by my mixing her up with Heidi Fleiss.

the Lord will provide

I do wish Graham Norton would stop talking in reverential tones about "The Lord". Whenever he does it I assume it's a God reference, not such an absurd thought given that Joseph is a bible story and the last time Graham was funny was as Father Noel. But no, he is referring to much more important person than than, he's referring to Andrew LW himself.

Rubbish Gerri was unsurprisingly fired from the Apprentice this week. But stand by for another "do these people not watch the show?" moment as the girls (some of) decide to raise money by sellng themselves on the street kisses in pubs. Yeah that's a good way to promote the role of women in business and we know from previous series how much Sir A likes business women getting their tits oot. Jadine (yay) was one of the dissenters who didn't want to pimp her sisters, while Kristina looked appalled at the accusation of being a feminist, and nice poshos Kate and Paul got soppy.

Deadline had a double sacking last week, maybe they will mirror the apprentice again with a blossoming romance this?

Any Joseph will do

First I have to mention the HORROR that is grease is the word I think itv should be shut down because of the HIDEOUSNESS of the 'laugh at the mad people' audition shows. I liked the stammer bloke though.

But JOSEPH JOSEPH JOSEPH or whatever it is called is the best thing ever. I'm fairly sure one of the curlies will win and probably Rob, I am fond of Seamus though as he is 35 and everyone seems to hate him. I like Keith too mostly as he works in Tesco with his Mam and girlfriend, which is slightly different to Rob (already working in musicals) and Seamus (asked to sing with Madonna at Live 8).

Other reality tee vee I am enjoying includes deadline (even though it is encouraging my Abi Titmuss love), shipwrecked (I'm looking forward to tonight's as it seems male Jo gets to visit the other island so hopefully more airtime for male Jo) and search for the next pussycat doll which is brilliant (the choreographer seems to be Just Jack from W&G).

And omg what is happening on castaway they are bullying my Jon.

Jonathan spends the next few hours watching Hassan as he struggles down the hill to Banishment Beach, passing commentary on his every move.

Hassan pushes doggedly through, spitting down at Jonathan, who has been sitting on the beach waiting.

"It has to go down as a classic moment in my life," Jonathan says.

That made me laugh. But all the camp have turned against him except young Al and maybe Joe Chicken. Ken went absolutely mental.

Over on American idol Sanjaya was ace this week I couldn't stop smiling and sniggering, it was nice to see him actually be good again. I like this

Democratic presidential hopeful Hillary Rodham Clinton was asked during a WOKQ-FM radio call-in what could be done about American Idol finalist Sanjaya Malakar.

How do you solve a problem like Sanjaya? I'd like that programme.

not the Apprentice

Deadline, tis not the Apprentice but is still good value. It has the same attraction as the Apprentice, ie you get to hate every single contestant every single week, they are all vile. Aaargh when they say "eek I can't pap people, I hate paps" yeah like who knew you'd be expected to pap slebs? How bizarre that working on a sleb magazine run by annoying hair-don't 'king of the paps' and a Daily Star hack would be more Heat than Newsnight. JSP is very scary, her face has been moulded out of plastic. And a big Hurrah for ITV Play, since the phone in scandal it has turned into ITV2+1 so you don't have to miss any Deadline while watching You're Fired on a Wed.

My not-gay son is now a big fan of the weekly Andrew LW advertorial that is Joseph. I am scared that we might have to go and see the flippin' show (on which I am word perfect, we did a performance of it at school).

The Apprentice of course rocks. Hurrah for Rory getting fired last week, I always particularly enjoy the posh ones getting shafted. Ifti had to go, too. I am liking Tre in a panto-villain way (and he does seem to do some work and get stuff done). I hope The Boring One doesn't win this year, whoever that may be (see "Saira was robbed by Tim" and "The Badger was robbed by Michelle"). So far Jadine is being shown as this year's "feisty woman who will get slagged off for being a pushy ball busting bitch" but tis early days yet.

The new presenter of the X Factor

And allegedly still carrying on with BBLB.

Deadline

'Celebs' running a newspaper. Janet Street-Porter as the editor. Thank you ITV2. Rumoured 'celebs' Charles Kennedy, Meg Mathews, Chris Parker and Gemma Atkinson. Ick get off my reality tv Gemma Atkinson.

One of 58,000/2.1 million

Castaway moved as audience falls.

The BBC is moving reality show Castaway from its Sunday night slot after ratings dropped to just 2.1 million.

The hour-long programme has been going out weekly at 2100, but will now get three half-hour slots at 1900 on Sunday, Tuesday and Thursday nights.

I don't mind the BBC1 show being broken up in to 3 in fact that's a good thing, but I don't want to lose the other two days shows if the BBC3 shows are scrapped altogether.

I'm really enjoying it, it is true I have a high threshold for people doing nothing as I watch a lot of reality tv but it's good if you watch it, especially the BBC3 shows which has 58,000 viewers apparently. I have no idea if that's bad, I mean, it's BBC3 home to all the quality 'ooh I'm too fat/ooh I'm too thin' shows. Castaway is a million times better than 'help my dog is as fat as me' and that's a fact!

I'm glad that Jason was voted off, I don't want anyone else to go though as it's meant to be castaway and not BB. Also Jonathan is reality tv gold.

Here we go...

A London Olympics hopeful, a bankrupt entrepreneur and a quantum physicist are among the fresh batch of contestants vying for a job with tycoon Sir Alan Sugar.

From this is London.

Predictably I'm quite interested in

Natalie Wood, 29, who recently lost six stone on a WeightWatchers diet.

Also I'm amused she's called Natalie Wood.

SirAlan is still moaning on about people not being on the apprentice to become tv stars... umm it's a tv programme and now it's on BBC1 there will be even more tabloid interest plus the last one you chose you sacked or something. It's quite a lot about becoming famous-ish now I'd say.

10 days to go

WEDNESDAY 28 MARCH
Documentary
New series
The Apprentice
9:00pm - 10:00pm
BBC1

Woo and a hoo.

In other busy reality tv news

Monika didn't win project catwalk BOO we shall miss you Monika Patrycja Rene.

Tara won celeb FA WOO.

Some sports bloke won DOI I have no opinion.

I am muchly liking castaway I may be the only viewer.

top telly tonight

7.00 pm Sleb FA - go Ray! (edit: I missed last night's and didn't know Ray had gone bah). Ick Colin ick ick you can tell he thinks he's god's gift to women but Colin there's probably a reason you do most of your work on radio ...

8.00 pm Masterchef Final - go Hannah!

9.00 pm Sleb Apprentice whoo hoo go Jo!

10.00 pm Project Catwalk final - go Monika (no linkage so I don't accidentally see the result as it's been on Sky 1 already)

Me and my knitting needles will be glued to our telly box

Poor Kate

From the beeb.

Music mogul Louis Walsh will no longer act as a judge in the next series of The X Factor, ITV has announced.

The Irishman will continue to manage acts off-screen, while two new judges will join regulars Simon Cowell and Sharon Osbourne.

The show's host Kate Thornton is also being replaced and is moving on to present new programmes with ITV. A new category will be introduced to the show's revamped format, while the age limit will also be lowered.

I'd be happier if Ben Shepard was leaving the ITV2 show. I don't really get the Kate hate, it's not like she's Davina or someone bad like that. I hope the new person won't be Cat or Fern.

A big urgh at the age limit being lowered. Hideous fourteen year olds? No ta.

He looks different

From The Mirror.

ITV was last night bracing itself for a huge slump in income as all its money-spinning phone-ins were axed after a string of voting blunders and quiz show cons.

Today's editions of This Morning and Loose Women will have no telephone competitions and the screening of Saturday's semi-final of Dancing on Ice was plunged into doubt as bosses pulled the plug on polling lines.

I'm looking forward to DOI being decided by a raise of hands.

Tara 'health fears'

According to the S*n, TPT's sweaty mad-eyed apperance on Saturday night 'sparked health fears'. Often 'sparked health fears' is journo speak for 'was off her t*ts' but obv not in the case of Ms P-T, it was all due to her dress falling off in rehearsals.

I want to press red

It's all a bit vague. Do they not go into the house until Wednesday? I keep checking my red button just in case they've snuck them in and turned on the live stuff in secret.

Yay Emily still in DOI I know she's not that good but all those Richmond Hill viewers have phones. Also her partner is lovely. The lovely Daniel. Lovely. Duncan and Clare are quite evil.

I've seen two episodes of beauty and the geek and I am hooked. I was watching Shipwrecked's little brother (hutcam diaries) and it just came on. Oh dear. I'm in love with Josh. Oh dear. I'm quite astounded at the Wes makeover.

Rowland Rivgone

Son and I are happily hooked on Celeb FA. We share some opinions (eg Miranda & Mel good, Tim & Shaun bad) but diverge on others. Colin Murray absolutely massacred Teenage Kicks but son liked it; so did Richard Parks (the fact he is a regular guest on Colin's R5Live show - the actually very good Fighting Talk - is pure co-incidence). But Parks not all bad, he had a go at Kielty which is always a good thing. Ray Stubbs was surprisingly good and my fave of the night, but son's fave was Tricia who was good too. Couldn't tell if that was terror or an Optrex overdose in TPT's eyes. I do normally like Rowland (and hello to the person who came here by googling for Rowland Rivron naked) but comedy boobs are not quite as hilarious as he thinks. He was better on the sing-off without the props, but in the end he went and Miranda & Angelica stayed. Boo cos I'd've liked him to stay in and Angelica was just bland (tho son liked her) but at least Miranda stayed.


In other news: a new series of Castaway starts on Friday. OMG. I loved Castaway 1, so looking forward to it.

Patrick Kielty: an apology

In the past, this blog may have given the impression that Patrick Kielty is an utter waste of hydrocarbons, a man whose appearance on our screens is liable to lead us to sell our tellybox on ebay. We now realise that we gravely underestimated what a fine and courageous anti-capitalism activist he truly is. We send Comrade Kielty our humble apologies and look forward to bumping into him down at the barricades on the next anti-globalisation action.

"If [Cat Deeley] wants to make huge sums of money in one of the few countries that didn't sign up to the trade agreement," he declared to reporters, "then she doesn't care about aid at all. Cat's turned her back on us. Good luck to her and her capitalism." ...

Assuming Patrick was not unveiling a hilarious new comedy character - a parody of a particularly slow-witted sixth-form activist - his position seems confusing. After all, in 2004, he filmed a pilot version of Deal or No Deal for the US network ABC, which announced the show would premiere in March of that year. Alas, the network decided to can it at the last minute - a merciful decision for Che Kielty, no doubt, and one which would ultimately free him up to focus on more ethically unimpeachable jobs such as presenting Celebrity Love Island.

raw sex does fame academy

Yay for Rowland Rivron, I might even have to watch sleb FA this year. It will give me yet another chance to ramble on reminisce about his fine TV work eg being half of Raw Sex and his short lived chat show in which he interviewed guests in the river, I might even have time to polish up my claim to fame with Rowland anecdote. But I am with Jude on the 'no more nekkidjacuziness' point.

Press red!

From the BBC

BBCi gives fans watching on digital television the ultimate access to all the action from inside the Fame Academy from 7am to 1am every day, by pressing the red button.

Oh good. I do like to watch 'celebs' eating their tea. I love FA it's like Big Brother and Pop Idol combined thus making it the best thing ever.

The celebrity students are:
Angellica Bell (presenter)
Colin Murray (Radio 1 DJ, TV presenter)
Fred MacAulay (DJ, broadcaster)
Linda Robson (actress)
Mel Giedroyc (comedienne, writer)
Miranda Hart (comedy actress)
Ray Stubbs (BBC Sport presenter)
Rowland Rivron (comedian/presenter)
Shaun Williamson (actor, Extras)
Tara Palmer-Tomkinson (personality/TV presenter)
Tim Vine (comedian)
Tricia Penrose (actress)
Zoë Salmon (Blue Peter presenter)

Rowland. Should be fun. Hopefully less naked than on 'trust me I'm a holiday rep'.

Congrats to American Idol loser Jennifer Hudson who has only gone and won one of them Oscar things.

In other news I'm furious Lisa Scott Lee got kicked out of DOI instead of Mr Freak Hair.

knicker lovers

Oh no not more knickers. Someone on the Project Catwalk production team really, really likes seeing tall emaciated women strutting about in high heels and panties, they've already done a bikini 'challenge' and then this week they're designing underwear for Caprice.

Wayne's effort was v. poor, more Primark than Fetish Wear Designer of the Year. Giles seems to be turning out to be a bit of stereotype homosexualist fashionista who doesn't like women. Poor Monika had a vile cold and got the wrong measurements so made a too small bra, but she still rocks and should've won. If she doesn't make the final it will be a travesty. Luke won the challenge, Fatz got chucked off, not surprising as her knicknacks were too small and her bra a bizarre shape. How on earth do you manage to cut your clothes too small to fit a catwalk model? And how come you don't leave a good margin just in case, like my mum taught me during her futile attempts to teach me dress making.

I suspect much toupe tape was used to keep those bras in place. You can tell my taste in unmentionables is more M&S than S&M by the fact that during the catwalk, I was most worried that the knickers they made were going to be scratchy and/or give the poor models thrush. Cotton gussets, people, cotton gussets.

Julien's hair is looking very fetching this series. Kelly should ask for the name of his stylist. And his colourist, I fear she's still letting Cousin Terry loose on hers.

Hell's Kitchen

I presume this is replacing Love Island (r.i.p) if it's in the summer... Digi spy reports

ITV1 has confirmed that chef Marco Pierre White is to appear in the third series of Hell's Kitchen, which returns as part of the channel's summer line up.

It's celebrities... are there any left?

The show, which will see White training a group celebrities in his kitchen, will air over a two-week period in the summer.

Over in American Idol land... sigh... Cat Deeley is still in the UK version only and apparently the bloke from an old UK boy band who didn't get through the last round was only shown here!!!!!!!! I want to see the proper American version ffs. If they want to encourage people to download it and not watch ITV1/2 then they are going the right way about it.

Rip off

I'm glad this has made the papers, mostly because I'm annoyed that I can't afford to go to it.

The forthcoming Dancing On Ice tour has been branded a "rip-off" by fans of the show.

A family of four will pay around £200 for their tickets - but will then be asked to spend extra cash by voting for their favourite couples via text message once they're inside.

One fan told the Daily Star Sunday: "It's a great family show but what normal family can afford all that? It's a total rip-off. And to get people to text when they are actually there really tops it off!"

From digi spy. Talking of dancing on ice. Kay Burley still in it. Bad bad bad.

It's safe to come out from behind the settee

The American Idol auditions all nine billion hours of them are officially OVER. YAY! Next is Hollywood week. I can't wait. I want all the rock women and the Fidel Castro bloke and the Jack Osbourne alike to go through please.

Ooh pic of 'Jack'



He's actually called Chris Sligh.

My fave bit of AI so far I think is the person telling Simon Cowell to go back to France! Then when the presenter told her he was English she said he should go back to 'British'! Must be Danielle Lloyd's cousin or sumfink.

Monika wins again

Huzzah Monika won this week's Project Catwalk task, in which they had to restyle another contestant. She made Phatz look v. glam whereas Fatz made her look Fat, the bustier top was OK but wtf was going on with the tartan trim boufy skirty? Tyler got very upset at having to restyle Wayne because she doesn't 'do' menswear and hurah got evicted after producing a vile sleeveless shirt and sticking some diamante on some shop bought keks. (Is it just me or is Sky's Project Catwalk page fecked?)

BB-ish news: I did enjoy seeing Danny Tourette being made an idiot of on Buzzcocks. He wouldn't know punk if Danbert Nobacon hit him over the head with a jug of water. Which I wish he would. Roll on next week's with Preston teehee.

talking of sense of perspective

Serving PM interviewed by police in corruption enquiry and no-mark barbie girl interviewed by police for something she said on tv, obviously equally important news stories.

kelly hat news

I'm wondering if La Osborne has a bet on to wear increasingly ridiculous hats in every episode of Project Catwalk. Last night's sparkly mini-sized hat was really quite silly. Nice-but-dim Henry got pushed off the runway for being unable to sew (you do wonder what the selection criteria at the auditions are? There must be more telegenic wannabe fashion designers who can actually use a needle, thread and pair of scissors?). I'm liking Monica, stroppy cow who actually knows how to thread a needle.

"What is the world coming to" news: Shilpa to meet Queen and Tony Blair. Sense of Perspective, anyone?

BB Racism: What would Cameron do?

WHERE DOES this year’s unprecedented furore leave the future of Big Brother?

I’ve always said I’m not as keen on Celebrity Big Brother as I am on the real deal “commoners” BB. What started as a fun spin-off to raise money for charity has spiralled out of control and I wouldn’t mind one bit if it was ditched so all the focus could be on the summer show.

Since I’ve been doing this column I’ve had letters asking me why I bother with such “rubbish” as Big Brother but I honestly believe it has something to contribute about the way we work as people and society.
And I was tickled by Channel 4 TV chief Stuart Cosgrove’s comments that it should come to Scotland.

Brilliant concept. Bring it on.

There ain’t a format in the world that is so tired it can’t be jazzed up by putting a kilt on it!

Celebrity Trin Idol!

Starting tonight on 5 : "So You Think You Can Nurse?"

Writer and broadcaster Janet Street Porter, TV presenter Gail Porter and comedian Sean Hughes have been given full access to working wards in Barnsley General Hospital to experience first-hand the daily challenges of being a National Health Service nurse. The celebrities will be taking part in this life-changing experience of operating as auxiliary nurses-in-training for two exhausting weeks at the hospital.

.......

Janet Street Porter, known for her strong opinions on the NHS will be assisting expectant mothers, helping the midwives with births and c-sections in the maternity wing.

FFS. If Janet SP had approached me with a camera crew while I was having my labour & caesarean section, I'd've told her to feck right off.

Oh yeah big brother etc etc. Shilpa won, Jade's had a breakdown and gone into the Priory, Jo says it's ruined her life and is being comforted by Fergie (!) and Danielle got dumped by Teddy and her modelling contracts.

Anyway we're so over that, now on to exciting news wot I heard on the wireless this morning: Celebrity Apprentice! With Jo Brand! Thank you tv deities for smiling on me.

Fashion has no mercy

Kelly Osbourne's beret on Project Catwalk was one of the funniest things I've ever seen, I honestly thought she was in fancy dress for a task reason at first. A clip from next weeks seems to see her trying the Tito Jackson look.

Davina was a harsh one to Jo then. Shame Jade didn't get the same treatment. Or Grace. Or Lisa. Or any other of the many BB bullies but then the media didn't care about those ones as they weren't in the celeb version. Davina gets harsh when it hits BB in the pocket non shocker. Just one more day of Danielle on my tv. Hurrah. Good riddance.

In American Idol land someone called Sundance Head went through. That's a good name and he has a story, his Dad was a singer who was knocked off the number one spot by The Beatles. They also put through a bloke with a big beard and long hair who looked like a young Fidel Castro. Fun!

some of my best friends ...

Jo, when you are accused of racism, coming out with the "some of my best friends are black" line is up there with "I'm not racist but". So what if some of your relatives are half-Asian or whatever it was she said. Some of my relatives are Tories, that doesn't mean I don't hate Tories with a passion and wouldn't bully them mercilessly if locked in a house with them for several weeks. I did so enjoy watching her face as she realised her "career" was fecked. Bring on Danielle!

Celebrity Fame Academy

Woo hoo! Back in March. I hope there is live streaming. I hope a lot that there's live streaming.

People confirmed

Tara Palmer-Tomkinson
Shaun Williamson (it'll be like Night Fever all again)
Linda Robson

That's all I know so far.

In BB news... voting cockup all votes cancelled open again tonight.

Saint H

Stop being so nice! A task to win a treat for each other. Look at what H/Ian won.

Cleo won Ian's treat; a donation to his chosen charity.

You're in the BB house, ask for a giant inflatable dog or something a bit more interesting. At least get something you could share like chocolate.

Lucy is a freak

I've just seen Shipwrecked. I do like Terri, but Lucy...

Lucy is fresh from boarding school and has strong opinions on everything from nuclear war to cake decorating.

I'm sure her parents are overjoyed she's the new Jade.

Describing herself as a "traditional girl" with "traditional values" the 18-year-old from York shocked fellow participants in the first show of the series by saying that black people were "like, really bad".

Lorenzo is apparently one of the blokes who were thrown off Coach Trip last year for 'partying' in the early hours one morning. I remember that, Brendan was outraged!

Blimey!

But still they don't mind making money out of her...

I'm not racist but ...

Hearing someone say those words tells you all you need to know.

Funny that

Danielle being given a list including 'don't be racist' by her agent before she went in. What sort of person has to be reminded of that? A racist perhaps? Jade is a bully that we already know, we've seen it on BB3 and Back to Reality, why is anyone surprised? In last years BB terms Jade = Grace, Danielle = Lisa, Jo = Imogen. I think it's amusing as recent as Monday Dermot was asking on Big Brain if Shilpa had brought this on herself! It's AshAleeeen all over again, except with more media as it's celeb BB and the R word.

No crowd tonight... booooooooooooooooooo! I think no booing and no crowd would upset Jade more than booing so maybe that's good. Just a shame Danielle won't be able to hear the boos. I blame Danielle for everything, she's just the most two faced person ever. In my humble opinion!