Vanessa a Lipgloss Bitch?

From The Sun

VANESSA was last night embroiled in a “coaching” storm as it emerged that one of last year’s Big Brother housemates helped get her on the show. The 19-year-old is a close friend of Marco Sabba, who gave her tips on the selection process. ...

business studies student Vanessa and Marco, 22, were out celebrating three weeks ago after TV chiefs told her she was in.
A friend said: “It’s sickening. She has robbed a genuine contestant of a place. They colluded to get her on the show and it will be a shame if she won the £100,000 prize.”

Sun on rap ruck

Da Sun

BUSTY Lesley got the hump yesterday after Max had a go at her during a rap session by the housemates.
Max — who adopted the name MC Sicko — slagged off Lesley for flashing her boobs all the time.
The opening lines of his rap were:
I bowled in the house, No4 Friday nite, Lesley’s t**s came first — oh my gosh, what a fright.

VANESSA was last night embroiled in a “coaching” storm as it emerged that one of last year’s Big Brother housemates helped get her on the show.
The 19-year-old is a close friend of Marco Sabba, who gave her tips on the selection process.

So that's why her audition seemed to be a Marco impersonation.

Doggy!

Mary is claiming her dog is coming into the house, knowing her it will probably be stuffed.

My eyes

Maxwell with exposed buttocks being massaged by Roberto sitting on top of him. I imagine there may be pics at famous males forum.

Party

Mary's birthday party is some sort of witches party with costumes. Before it started she said she had an announcement but would leave it until after it finished. Don't leave Mary!

On tonight's highlight show I really did not like whoever pulled Makosi's covers off her bed whilst she was in it (and they seemed to be men who did it). She had no clothes on ffs and they did it more than once.

Rap task

I still like Derek even though the drink driving put me off. I don't even like drivers let alone drink drivers.

They won Mary's party (like they were ever going to lose) in a rap off. Mary was very funny. I was scared at the same time though.

BBLB viewers chose The Cult's She Sells Sanctuary to be played at the party (Halloween theme may have been a joke).

After the rap off they were discussing the lyrics they had made up about each other. Big mistake ending up with Lesley crying over Maxwell's lyrics.

Sam is annoying me today with her 69 bikini.

as if being a tory wasn't enough

This blog now officially Doesn't Like Derek. Because:

• he's a Tory
• he's a fox hunter
• he's a friend of the Hamiltons'
• he's a drink driver

Any one of those alone is in danger of making someone a Badman. All four together means We Really Don't Like You.

Re: Max being too fick to be the mole: I'm beginning to think it's all an act. No-one could be so white-van-driving-nuts-reading-twunt for real.

In other news

The Lovely Nathan went out in Strictly Dance Fever, Jayne and Lee didn't leave Celebrity Love Island (as the others think) but got put on a amusing Make Or Break Boat. Oh and the free live BB streaming has gone.

Plus Kemal's profile at a Eurovision site.

Happy Birthday

Mary. I think there is to be a party someone said a Halloween one. I do like Mary I do. Can't help but think from some of them the keep Mary in the house was to do with her birthday coming up.



Derek is saying his poem again I'm guessing they had to write for in the auditions or something as they all seem to have one.

On day four my rankings are currently standing at

Kemal
Makosi
Mary
Derek
Roberto
Lesley
Vanessa
Craig
Saskia
Anthony
Sam
Maxwell
Science

The first and last two are very close. Do I hate sexist bore Maxwell or homophobic weirdo Science more? It's a toughie.

holy moley?

Just like every other year, 'OMG there's a mole in the house' rumours hit the ground running. This year's might just have legs tho - Max is allegedly a reality tv hoor ...

Max the Mole?

Housemate Max is no stranger to the Big Brother house or five's The Farm according to The Sun newspaper. He was part of the trial run for Big Brother 5 along with Becki Seddicki and has also tested out the set of The Farm. Both shows are produced by Endemol. Max's previous heavy involvment with Endemol has prompted suspicions that he may be a mole.

Other news from today's tabs ...

DEREK IS CAMILLA'S PAL
SEX-MAD SAM'S 5 FOOTIE ROMPS
MUG BROTHER: Makosi's family targeted by Zimbabwe tyrant so house will hold no fear for her
CRAIG'S FATHER TRIED TO GET ON SHOW WITH HIM
SASKIA'S HEART OP

and quite possibly my favourite bit of BB - news from the local papers ...

Eastern Daily Press (Norfolk): Big Brother contestant wins few fans
The Journal (North East): Consett caught in celebrity spotlight
Yorkshire Post: Yorkshire duo enter the Big Brother house

betting news

from lovely readaBet.com:

odds to win ...
Roberto 6/1
Saskia 7/1
Kemal 8/1
Maxwell 8/1
Anthony 9/1
Sam 10/1
Mary 12/1
Science 14/1
Makosi 16/1


William Hill can report that punters think that Big Brother 6 will be the most shocking and hard fought Big Brother ever. Hills have been knocked over for all the specials that were offered earlier in the week and if they come true we will be in for a viewing orgy with punch ups, sex and the complete failure of the house to complete any of their tasks. The only thing that punters do not have a strong view on is the gender of the winner with money coming in both.

"Punters are absolutely sure that at least one contestant will find the house too much and following a rush of money we have had to put a maximum stake of £100 on the 1/2 that we are offering on a house member walking out. But for the more adventurous we are still offering 4/1 for a contestant to escape." said Hills spokesman Rupert Adams

Hills Big Brother Specials:
Male Winner - 4/6, Female - 11/10.
Full Scale Punch Up - 9/4.
One or more contestants to escape the house - 4/1.
A contestant to walk out of the house - 1/2.
The infrared camera to catch a couple copulating - 5/4.
The house to fail to complete any of the set tasks - 50/1.

oh no I couldn't possibly ... oh go on then, you twisted my arm

Kemal and Derek in the bedroom talking about how neither of them wanted to go on BB?

ooh a task

They have to paint each other, the finished portraits to be hung in the gold frames on the wall. Lesley read the instructions out and could I just say FFS GET YOUR HAIR OUT OF YOUR EYES WOMAN!

more soul selling?

Sunday Mirror:

• ITALIAN STALLION GETS EX-RATING: BIG Brother hunk Roberto Conte is a "romantic charmer" who's sure to be a winner with the ladies, his ex-girlfriend said last night.
• SAM'S WILD ROMP WITH HUNK AARON: Aaron, 22, told friends the brainy brunette was "amazing in bed"
• SASKIA'S SOCCER STAR: BIG BROTHER'S busty beauty Saskia Howard-Clarke is having a red-hot fling with a soccer star ... Nottingham Forest forward Adam Nowland
  
• KOSIE REVEALS SHE'S A VIRGIN: Shapely Kosie, as she prefers to be known, told her shocked housemates her secret in a 1am game of Spin The Bottle ... Lesley quipped: "You're not missing nowt."

Star (via DigiSpy):

• Makosi dated Mugabe's nephew?Unlucky housemate Makosi had an affair with the nephew of Zimbabwe president Robert Mugabe, according to the Daily Star today Hope Derek engages her in conversation about the political situation in Zimbabwe (well I can't see any of the others bringing it up, can you?)
  
• Lesley's 100 lovers? Lesley has been the focus of the Sunday tabloid attention today, with a number of "friends" and ex-lovers stepping forward to spill the beans.

Thanks to Jude's Lovely Live Feed Linkey, I see Derek is Inheritor of the Striped Dressing Gown Mantle. And he's trying to organise a proper house meeting with a chair (and probably minutes and standing orders), to agree bedroom rules and 'lights out time'.

edit: more news from the redtops ...

Shell says: IT is the year of huge boobs!

BB BITCH STOLE MY MAN BISEXUAL Big Brother housemate Sam Heuston is a callous man-eater who loves stealing other girls' blokes yawn

first BB Sunday tabs round-up

News of the Screws:

• some BadMan who once slept with Sam sells his soul story , also "We can also reveal that Sam, 23, had her wicked way with Hell's Kitchen star Aaron Siwoku"

Oh. No other on-line editions up yet boo

Free streaming!

Until they realise, (on windows media player).

i'm not ignorant but ...

Maxwell slagging someone (not sure who, I think Makosi from what he's saying) off for I don't know what cos I was surfing instead of watching, but then he mentions that she (he?) said english was her (his?) 2nd language, and goes off on a "why doesn't she go back to her own country blah blah blah" rant.

Bloomin foreigners, coming over here, taking our jobs and our women and our BB places. What with him and "I'm not racist but" Saskia, it could be a long 11 weeks (or is it 13?)

strictly belly-dance fever

Kemal is giving belly dance lessons in the bedroom. You go, girlfriend.

Meanwhile Derek is trying to get some sleep on his own in the love shack, while the rest of the HMs shimmy the night away.. Awwww. That'd be me, if I was there. (The sleeping, not the shimmying).

Edit: "This is Big Brother. Will Housemates please note that the loft is not to be used for sleeping". Ooh.

In other news:

• I 'm liking Vanessa cos her favourite book is Charlie & the Chocolate Factory.
• Makosi is incredibly beautiful.
• As an E4 live feed virgin, the constant sound cuts are getting on my nerves

Unlikely

BB ASKED PORN STAR FOR FULL LIVE SEX SHOW

Blonde Tina, 40, who starred in an X-rated flick called British Housewives' Fantasies, said: 'I was asked if I would be prepared to be nude 24/7 both inside and outside the house.

Do they really think that channel 4 and/or E4 can show someone naked 24/7? I don't think so somehow. You are being used for publicity my dear.

mary Mary

I had an Auntie Mary. Little Trin snippet for you :>]. I've decided I don't like the way BB is trying to make Crazy Mary look Crazy. I think she's going to be quite a force of Karma and goodness in the house. I also really like the way she went to BB and expressed her fear and doubts about being there. That was good. I'd feel the same way. Makes her human (calling occupants of interplanetary craft).
I dislike most of the girls and the young lads so far. Science is rude and will drive me mad. I can't wait until some of the weeds are pulled out leaving us with the flowers to bloom and grow (oh god I'm so fecking poetic at times)

What do you have to do to get off that Island?

Celeb love island seems to have been going on for ever and so far only one seleb has gone. Last night everyone thought lee and Jayne had gone but in a twist as exciting as my big toe, they were whisked away to some boat and will be back like two bad pennies.
Meanwhile to scene is set for some cutting edge bitching about the two

"Du'aine was first...
"Her energy was just totally wrong," he griped.
Followed by Rebecca...
"She was the only one of all the girls that I didn’t click with from the start…you can’t be fake about it, you can’t try to be friends with someone if you don’t like them.”
And then Paul...
“Jayne was funny...a little crazy head!"

Top class bitching if ever I heard it. I expect a few of you readers will be particularly shocked.

Now Calum has hooked up with Bex in the lurve shack, Abi has moved onto Nightclub owner Fran, whose trying to do the rounds round the reality tv scene.
Abi, one woman sex machine spends little time sussing out her next victim and just goes for the kill.

Here an innocent Fran just laying on the floor (as one does) is unaware that any second he will be smothered by Miss Titmusses ample bossoms. Is the fame worth it?

"Oh, she deals in witchcraft and
One kiss and I'm zapped. Oh,
How can heaven hold a place for me
When a girl like you has cast her spell on me?
Oh, How can heaven hold a place for me
When a girl like you has cast her spell on me?

Frankenstein and Dracula have nothing on you
Jekyll and Hyde join the back of the queue
The female of the species is more deadlier than the male"

My milkshake brings all the boyz to the House

BTW Lesley is one big 'Hollerback Girl' if ever I saw one (get with it with Trin, she knows all the lingo)

Snippets

Apparently Mary is the first HM to think about leaving the house. The, abducted by aliens seven times, girl has had bad Karma from the gnomes and felt they were alive and stalking her (bblb's Dermot told me that). After a discussion with BB she now is at peace with the gnomes. Maybe Mary is a bit intuitive though because there is a secret camera shoved up one of the said gnomes.
There was a bit of an argument in the bedroom early this morning when Makosi wanted the bedroom light on at 7am and the boys didn't.
Makosi said that she was frightened of the dark and she's coped all night in the black but this morning wanted it on. Maybe Makosi did get the gist of the task after all then.

The morning after

A FRIEND of former Tatton MP Neil Hamilton is among the 13 housemates spending their first full day in the Big Brother House today.

Spencer from BB3 isn't watching.

Maxwell early fave with the bookies. (yuck)

Watch Science's film (if you must).

Lesley popping out.

E4 have sorted out the live streaming it is now on if you press the red button on E4. I'm watching, they have overspent by £35 on the shopping budget! They are shouting just get rid of the fish fingers which is upsetting (appliance of) Science.

Meet the housemates

In The Sun



Why do you think your fellow housemates will nominate you?

Kemal - For being too loud, confrontational and for bitching.

Mary - Because I’m too spooky and witchy, I like to talk too deeply and have too many conspiracy theories and I’m too analytical.

Breaking news...Makosi = virgin.

Drunken first impressions

Derek - Nice but Tory so evil
Lesley - Poor Lesley with her naughty nurse outfit will be torn apart by BB fans and tabloids no doubt
Sam - Bland
Maxwell - Southern lad
Vanessa - The female Marco well she sounds like him
Anthony - Booed on the way in
Roberto - Lovely
Mikosi - Nice dress and the unlucky 13th housemate
Craig - Thinks he is bitchy...whatever!
Mary - Can't open doors ha ha
Science - Like Sam has not made an impression on me yet
Saskia - 'Not racist' hmm
Kemal - Love him

Also Lesley at Face Party.

you know you're getting old when ...

... you find yourself thinking how much betterer the HMs were in ye goode olde dayes, not a bunch of sex-obsessed wannabe freaks like this year's lot.

At least the freeview box is working now so I can spend hours and hours finding out just how much I dislike them all.

Liking Kemal of course, in belly dancer solidarity. Also Roberto maybe? And Science from da ghetto innit. I am transferring my theory about Vic from last year to him¹. I do of course reserve the right to change my mind on a whim.

Half an hour in the house and they're in their swimming keks already. And talking about knickers. Tsk.



1. Clazza's Vic theory states that in a reverse of the situation of Phillip from Rising Damp (said he was son of a prince, turned out to be from Huddersfield), Vic would be revealed to be not a downtrodden ghetto escapee but the son of a Prince.

Trin's BB thoughts

ok 1st thoughts of the thirteen.

Makosi. cardiac nurse? what with animals? and what was that bit of cloth she had wrapped round her middle. Umm the nomination thing? (she has to get most votes from the HM's to be safe from Nominations) she didn't get it at all.
Kemal. Sorry but Clazza beats him hands down for the belly dancing
Sam. Dull
Derrick. Love it. Maggie Thatcher his idol. Ah bless his tortured soul
Leslaaaay. Get that fecking pvc Ann Summer outfit off. Slapper.
Maxwell. Blergh
Anthony. Eyecandy
Craig. If he isn't gay than I'm Ghandi. A bitch
Mary. Abducted by aliens 7 times. Lets hope they take her again this week
Roberto. Cute Vain lush accent
Vanessa. Bad hair
Science. yesssssss the name says it all
Saskia. Are they real?

The house looks cool. I hate the kissy huggy beginning bit. The unlucky bad bit wasn't bad at all. I want to see Mary and Craig share a bed.
The biggest laugh was Kemal with the scarf "Work with me scarf...come on" I've a feeling he'll grow on me.

all set

Cava ... check
Selection of nuts ... check
Laptop ... check
Freeview box ... check AAAAAAAAARGH stoooooooooopid yoof at argos, instead of giving me 3 scart lead and 1 3-way scart adaptor, he gave me 4 feckin 3-way adaptors! GAH!

E4!

It's on freeview! Woo hoo I have it. I'm watching it right now. My first BB with E4! WOO! HOO! I've seen auditions and best bits yay. The first thing I saw on E4 was Alex Sibley naked holding his bits. Eww.

Super BB

Clazza, Tickle was bad. Just admit it. I read there is a naughty step outside the BB house ha ha. I really hope this series is GOOD. I'm just planning my food for the evening. E4 hasn't turned up in my freeview channel list yet but E4 +1 is there but just showing ads for E4. Come on E4 I'm waiting for you.

get the cava in

9 o'clock tonight. Whay hay. There goes my life for the next 10 weeks (or is it 11?).

Today's BB6 news:

BBC:
"Eleven of the housemates are single, two are gay and two are bisexual. Three of them were born outside the UK. One had a "high-profile occupation", another was in the Parachute Regiment, while a third used to be a professional windsurfer and basketball player."

S*n: Big Bruv's gnome guard:
"BIG Brother 6 kicks off tonight with 27 GNOMES guarding the house — one fitted with a spy camera. .... Show bosses are dotting the plaster characters round the garden to replace the chickens the Big Bruv wannabes normally have to look after. Among the collection of colourful little statues there is a gay, a fisherman, a female and two that float in the plunge pool."
A gay? A gay what? What does a gay gnome look like?

Sky: Brian The Best Housemate: Big Brother 2 winner Brian Dowling is your favourite housemate of all time. Last year's transsexual winner, Nadia, came in second and dipsy Jade third in the poll on the BB site. But Melanie Hill, touted as the great beauty of the inaugural BB - and the model for the very first eye logo - came last out of all 62 housemates. Bah. Was he feck the best HM ever. Go Tickle, Go Tickle, Go Tickle

And the winner is.........

Well the Farm is on but I'm tired and frankly not interested in seeing the Green Duck win. How can the duck win? Is there no God?
The Wurzels are on at the moment. A few years back (fair few years) I was on holiday with my mate Gill and we went to a Wurzels show. Not my scene at all but Gill liked them. Infact they liked Gill and she invited them back with us where they stayed most of the night and drank all our alcohol...Bloody hell they looked old then. Now they're ancient.
Mind I've always gone for the older man :P
Flav is muttering some crap as per normal. He's saying "Mister Cow I'm Mister cow".
Then I realise the linguistical expert is in fact saying "I miss the cows".
Yep Trin was right. The fecking Duck is the best farmer. Now I have to go have a colonic irrigation to purge my body of that crap.
Goodnight my fair weather mates
xxx

Housemate 13

The unlucky one.

Thirteen contestants will enter the house on Friday evening and the producers have added several twists in a bid to keep the programme fresh.

The house will be transparent so the contestants will feel more "claustrophobic" and the showers will be outside.

"The house will feel very different to any previous house and more than ever this year there really is nowhere to hide," said Commissioning Editor Angela Jain.

The producers also said the 13th person would be the "unluckiest housemate ever".

getting warmed up

OMG it's tomorrow, BB6 starts tomorrow, whooooo hoooooo!! I'm laying in the traditional cava-'n'-pistachios in abundance. Getting myself warmed up nicely with the beeb's "Test your knowlege of Big Brother" quiz. I'm gutted I only got 9 out 10. Fancy not remembering who broke the World Sweetcorn Kernel-Eating record, shame on me.

Good bye Ron and Emma B

Looking like a scene from Sesame Street must be a new experience for porn star Ron Jeremy. Yet here he is with that bloody green duck, apparently having a conversation. Bless.
Ron and Emma B were evicted tonight in a double eviction surprise by Channel 5. I have no idea why they do that because they seem to get rid of all the good characters at once.
Now were left with Keith with hand up a ducks bum, Emma Noble minus her village of the damned twin, Mikey (no idea who is is) and Dave (ex bf of Jessie Wallace) I think Keith has it all sewn up personally. Anyways I bid a sad farewell to Ron. I actually quite liked him. He was real (if a bit sticky bless)
No Love Island news tonight. The Liverpool game overran. There are some lucky breaks in life after all.
(some of the footballers are hot you know!)

Next up: Soccer Idol

Reality TV to help find Chelsea a star

Chelsea Football Club hope to unearth the next John Terry, Joe Cole or Frank Lampard by conducting a Pop Idol-style nationwide search for a teenage unknown.

Bah, these people have no imagination. Footballers' Wives Idol (aka: I'm a Slapper, Get Me Into There), that's the show they should make. That could do for ITV what Celebrity Love Island isn't.

Farmageddon again

Two out tonight between Emma B, Ron and Orville the duck. Then tomorrow is the final (finishing just in time for BB6). I don't know who is going to win at all. One of them or Mikey, Dave or the other Emma. I can only imagine Mikey out of the last three winning. But then Jeff Brazier did win it last time.

Popular

It wasn't even me searching for Celebrity Love Island (full name in case google is watching).

so close now ....

Big Brother 6 - News of the house

A transparent house will greet contestants on the sixth series of hit reality show Big Brother.

Channel 4 hopes the house will feel more "claustrophobic" than previous years because contestants will have nowhere to hide from each other.

It features transparent walls, outside showers and a transparent dining table.

Outside showers yawn. I am not interested in seeing people in the shower, it is not interesting. Except when they turned the water cold on Victor, that was funny.

and more house news from Digispy:

exec producer Sharon Powers has also revealed that new heat-detecting cameras have been installed in order to spy on the housemates beneath the sheets. To boot, the new dining table is transparent to prevent a repeat of last year's hidden tryst between Stuart and Michelle. ... The bedroom - which contains two double beds and nine singles - is separated from the dining area by a transparent wall, accessible at Big Brother's discretion.

and will there be transparent tablecloths too? D'oh.

More frolicking on the farm than the island....WTF?

Carefree with wellies on. Who needs sand sea sangria and Paul Danan to find love?
Tonight's Love Island was unreportable. Nothing at all happened. I think someone may have applied suntan lotion to some body part. I think they're all still breathing but apart from that zilch.

The farm ploughs on like some rusty combine Harvester. Emma B, Keith and Ron are up for nomination (does anyone actually vote?) I hope Ron doesn't go. He provides me with minutes of endless fun.
Oh dear Ron is injecting a piglet now. Not like that you filthy minded readers tsk. Oh they're so cute. Maybe Celeb Love Island needs some piglets apart from Paul?
Keith is now undressed, I'm deeply shocked as I realise he does have two arms and wears a thong. He has quite decent buttocks for an old guy with a duck.
Ron is stripped to his boxers. He's now relaxing in a bath full of red rosebuds. He falls asleep much to the amusement of Mr Thong (I'll never be able to look at him in the same way again)
They have decorated Ron (snoring like a baby) with rosebuds covering his skin. My God after the tedious Love Island...This was entertainment.
Don't forget Ron has a documentary on his porn days on TV now. Can't wait....... :/
(reported for you by Trin with no regard for her own sanity)

The Disturbing Farm

Why are we watching a TV show with this line up? I'm not sure which is more disturbing, the Green Duck in Tarton or the Village of the damned twins. Note Keiths eyes are one way and Orvilles the other. How does that man do that? It's the twilight Zone all over again. This is such a hugely disturbing picture, strictly for the over 21's.

Ok guys. I know he was a porn star but that tee-shirt? like WTF? and why the plastic gloves.
Oh God not again.
Have you ever noticed that if you take away the G and S from the word Gloves you get Love? No? Oh ok then. Obviously just a Trin thing. Anyone think he bears a stark resemblance to Celebrity BB's Jackie Stallone?

Celebrity fat Island

Yes Jude was right, we have just tediously watched the well fed celebs be weighed. To some rather dramatic jungle music. Did you all hold your breaths as the minor celebs were weighed? Well now you can breath again. Actually I felt a little sympathy for Liz. Despite everything, it is a big deal to have your weight read out on national TV. And how Michael Greco was shocked when he found out he'd out on weight. FFS Mike, your sat around a pool all day and eat everything and drink loads. What do you expect?
Personally I can't wait to sit round Clarrie's pool next week and be waited on.... ;P
I simply cannot stand those twats of presenters, especially Kelly Brook. What does she think she looks like in those 40's frocks. And that hair? Some Madonna's Evita revamp or something?
And yessss I finally spotted the famous Rebecca Loos moustache. Worse than BB5's Nadia.
God someone give me some paint to watch dry.

I like this

'Love Island' presenters in bitter feud

Celebrity Love Island hosts Patrick Kielty and Kelly Brook are feuding because Kielty informed viewers that Kelly used to date Paul Danan, a contestant on the reality series.

Eww. I think he may win, he is so stupid I can not believe the things he says. He is reality tv gold.

Someone hit him one more time please

My recording of Hit Me Baby One More Time was completely fecked up and I recorded the grand total of two songs. But Shakin Stevens won and that made me very annoyed. Apart from being totally rubbish and having no personality he also has a greatest hits being advertised on tv and sold out the Shepherds Bush Empire (capacity 2,000) recently (apparently). He obviously has a large fan base still and was always going to win. FIX!!!! I'm bitter on behalf of Tiffany.

what the papers say

well, what the gruaniad says about Sleb Love Island anyways

TV's Love Island sinks in apathy

Ratings plummet for ITV reality show lambasted by the critics, as viewers find that watching yet more minor celebrities is a real turn-off

reality tv shockers:

Did ITV controller Nigel Pickard have second sight over the beastly tabloid response to Celebrity Love Island? Monkey only asks after Pickard took a short break in the US before heading to the LA screenings, thereby missing all the nasty red-top headlines. .... The producer of Celebrity Love Island, Natalka Znak, thinks the half-hour evening shows should be longer and has identified the culprit. "There's the news at 10.30," she said last week, "that's the problem".

What's wrong with Celebrity Love Island?

... one could start with the presenting team and work forwards. Poor Patrick Kielty looks like a young priest paying a pastoral visit to Spearmint Rhino - his bonhomie veneered over despair, distaste and mounting disillusion. Beside him is the unaccountably dreadful Kelly Brook who takes her style, spontaneity, reactivity and wit from the performance of Madonna in Shanghai Surprise ... The highlight has been Abi Titmuss correctly spelling "inconsequential" - arguably the finest postmodern joke yet cracked on TV. Celebrity Spelling could be a much more profitable avenue to explore ...

if you thought SLI was bad ...

The suggestion that Celebrity Love Island is the dumbest show ITV will ever make is surely premature if this appeal for a new ITV1 talent show, hosted by Joe Pasquale and coincidentally also made by Granada, is anything to go by.

Hah I have held out against the evul lure of SLI & The Farm and kept myself pure for The One True Reality TV Show. I can't believe it starts this Friday woooooooooooo.

The evilness

I'm watching Celebrity Love Island Live (pause for laughter) they are playing a game it is guess the weight! ARGH. The horror. They are paired up and have to guess the others weight. Abi Titmuss who was called 'porky' (or so I was told) on Richard and Judy last week is 9 stone 8. Wow I wish I was that 'porky'. The prize is a fancy date I think.

In other news...Gem Cem and Gemma were kicked off Strictly Dance Fever! I thought they might be, but a few weeks ago it would of been a big shock if they hadn't won the whole thing. Poor Gem Cem and Gemma we got bored of you, we are a bad general public.

farm shock

Place burns to ground....no that's too hopeful

Lionel and Flav are out. Flav was SURE he was in but not he got the least votes.

So that means folks...yes, you got it. Ron survives to slap the salami once more. Me thinks Channel 5 viewers are sadistically kinky.

Farming for Funnies

Ron Jeremy exhausted after another solid night of masturbation.
His hands need to be soaked in a cocktail of anti bacterial and fungal solution afterwards for at least 3/4 hour.

Straight after the love island comes Channel Five's answer to the Funny Farm. The funny farm being a place where crazy people get together, and channel 5's programme strikingly similar.
Not sure whose the craziest. Keith with his hand up a birds ass all day. Lionel with the mouth of a tourette sufferer. Flav who is scarily unstable and wears hoodies and caps (ban him) and is unbelievably thick. Ron Jeremy, the sex stud whose life of shagging, mirrors in his haggard face.
The Barbie dolls, The two Emma's a bit like the two ronnies without the laughs (and more hair)
Fuck, tonight we have poetry there too. A bit less sugary than the love island crap though but still heavily sickening. Ron's offered to massage anyone.... with those hands ewwww.
So two people are for the chop tonight. You know what would make it more exciting? If the chop was real. How I'd love to see that ducks head guillotined off.

The love Eat In

Fran Cosgrove gets the nickname Buzz Lightyear. Why? Plastic maybe?

Actually I'm feeling a bit sick tonight watching the pampered prima Donnas eat. Whilst millions starve, we see them eating tons and tons of cuisinery eloquent food. And it's fecking served to them!! wtf this isn't fun. Turn the tables and make the bastards have to work to catch and cook their own food. I'd like to see the Slutty Abi Titmuss on her hands and knees searching for food.
Now they're discussing their designer clothes. Yawn.
Fuck, there's no release with the adverts. That sodding Kid robbing a bank advert is on..... Someone shoot me quick.
Now we get to decide which pampered and petted celeb get to have even more luxury and treats in the 'Love Shack'
That Paul is the most repugnant man I have ever seen. I wouldn't want to sit next to him in a pub let alone watch him on TV. He is so slimy and false. All the bare skin has turned him into a huge testosterone boil ready to explode his load all over love island. Rejection after rejection is causing his frustration to mount to the point we may see some bukkake one night.
Feckity feck...We now have poems written by Michael Greco. Nausea Inducing words of overt praise for his fellow Island mates. Total shite. And I just watched it. I need my head read.

Slebs released back in to the wild

I can't compete with Trin's Farm and Sleb Island posts so I will just say Charlene was voted out grr and I have to wait until tomorrow to watch The Lovely Dance Fever People Who I love as Eurovision (yay) is on tonight.

I do wish they'd stop saying they'll have cameras under the duvets in BB this year, talk about gross.

Oh and that Judi thingy left Celeb Island...she was Goldie's girlfriend in Eastenders you know...

It's ok to wank the pigs

Shock horror in 'The Farm' Ron's been caught self pleasuring on several occasions. Emma even found one of his pubic hairs on her bed, and poor Orville found a very sticky magazine in the bathroom bin.
And I thought the picture down below was soap.

Ummm something's a miss here. Maybe they should swap. Call this 'Celeb Love Farm' instead (ok self love island) they prob got a Pot Belly Pig tucked away somewhere as well.

Celeb Sick Island

Tonight's Celeb Love Island was particularly dire. The main excitement seemed to consist of Isabella Hervey having a paddy because she didn't want to play Golf with Michael Greco. He said he hated her.... ooooh such harsh words for a girl who doesn't want to play with his small white balls.
The incredibly shallow and moronic Paul has now decided to go play for Rebecca Loos. Mind she'll shag anything so it was a bit of a laugh to hear her tell him she was into girls (escape artiste?). Mind imagine her panic when he tried to chat her up with these immortal lines.

"You're sexy as fuck," Danan cooed, as the couples legs crossed in the swimming pool.
"Your legs are just perfect, your boobs and your stomach," he whispered alluringly. "I love your little pot belly."

Rebecca's response?

"Gorgeous girls can be with girls, it's just about chemistry."

Right. That's why she shagged Becks no doubt.

And whilst I'm on the subject. Those presenters Patrick and Kelly are so cringingly awful I'd like to stab them and set them in concrete. Anyone know of any bridges being built anywhere?

Reasons not to watch Celeb Love Island

Paul "Have your Boobs grown?" (except he says gwoan because he can't say his R's properly)
Lady Hervey "No"
Paul "Oh they look like they grown in the last 24 hours"
Lady Hervey "No" ( slight hysterical little laugh)
Paul "Oh must be that costume ...wicked"

Groan (mebbe gwoan)

Reasons to Watch The Farm

I cannot believe that Lionel Blair is so mouthy with his swear words. He's like some possessed psychopath. Last night when he went for the girls with the hosepipe , it was pure evil. He meant to douse them until they screamed. He was furious. Why do these celebs go so loopy when they appear on a reality TV show. His interaction with the thick 'Flav' is hilarious. Flav looks and acts as if he is a sandwich short of a picnic. He was milking the cow the other day. Using his hands to milk the teat once into the bucket and once into his own mouth. When told that wasn't advisable he had this look on his face of pure stupidity.
And then there's Ron. A real reason to watch the farm is displayed in the photo below. All I can say is hot hot hot.

Another round up

Strictly dance fever

The lovely Adam (oh and Rebecca) was knocked out of strictly dance fever it was time though. A bit overshadowed by the Nathan's injury to his foot that meant he couldn't dance! Sob. So they were awarded one point from the judges but got through on the viewers vote hurrah. Cem and Gemma were a bit samey this week.

Hit Me Baby One More Time

All I have seen for three weeks is about the first 10 mins of it.

The Farm

Lionel v Flav is amusing, I never thought I'd hear Lionel Blair swearing at Flavor Flav.

Celebrity Love Island

Hmm I may need to see tonights before any judgement. They all do seem to be behaving like 7 year olds though. It is very tacky and does seem to be on at the wrong time, it is more of a 11pm ITV show.

Big Brother

I don't think freeview is getting 24/7 streaming, oh well at least we will have the live bits from E4.

BB6 rumours

SundayMirror

BIG Brother bosses have devised their most dastardly plot yet - conning 12 contestants into thinking they have been picked for the show.

The evil plan involves two teams of housemates - one a "dummy dozen" and the other for real. Neither will know the other exists.

While the "dummies" are ushered into the BB house after packing their suitcases and saying tearful goodbyes to families and friends, the real ones will be shown into another part of the building.
...
The Channel 4 insider said: "We've picked the most ludicrous medley of misfits ever, including three beautiful maneaters. We want the craziest, raunchiest show in British TV history - I think these guys guarantee it."
....
for the first time in the show's history, housemates can also win individual prize money. Each housemate is given a £5,000 fund when they first walk through the doors. They get another £5,000 for each week they survive.

However, if they get evicted, they have to give half their total winnings to a surviving housemate. After two months, they can bank all their prize money and keep it, even if evicted. The Big Brother winner will walk away with £75,000.

Celebrity Love Island Dog Watch

I can not wait to see if Celebrity Love Island will be a large FLOP like Celebrity Wrestling was. Poor ITV ha ha, they must be worried. I am concerned about Jayne Middlemiss though, has it really come to this? I wonder how long Lady Isabella Hervey will last and will her doggy Clio be with her (like on The Games)?

please hide my remote control

Celebrity Love Island starts tomorrow. This could be Very Bad Indeed. No, wait. This could have been Very Bad Indeed but fortunately ITV have put in place a deterrent device that will prevent me from watching, by employing the world's most annoying man as presenter. He brings me out in hives, so I shan't need to waste my life on this show huurah.

Charlene stays on The Farm

Yay Charlene/Lucy Ewing from Dallas stays. The poor thing had to help with putting the pigs 'together' though, eww. I much prefer it when they are having toy pig throwing competitions to the actual farm stuff, especially when it involves attempts to get pigs pregnant.

First Farm Vote

V



Cicciolina had the most votes and had to choose a fellow nominee, she voted Charlene which means Cicciolina must go. I like Charlene. Flavor Flav has had an anti gay rant the stupid feck.

I'm a well meaning gruaniad reader, get her out of her

If you only read one reality tv news story today, make sure it's this one: Saira Khan sells the Guardian

"Ladies and Gentlemen, put those free Metros down and come and buy the Guardian from me. Alan Sugar didn't give me a job, so I'm selling the Guardian, the best paper in the country. Don't look at me as if I'm a mad woman, I'm a saleswoman. You're smiling, that means you know me. I'm Saira from The Apprentice. The gentleman in the pinstripe suite is going to buy a copy, you're very dapper, sir. I'm doing my job with passion and commitment, I'm the best salesperson in the country. Would you like two copies sir? That will be £1.20. Don't look at me like that, I'm a national institution. And I'm selling the best newspaper in the country. It's a good read, I'm in it today. Next time? There's not going to be a next time, this is not my career you know. I wonder if the two Chinese people would like one ..."

the kerrazee world of reality tv

a round-up

Strictly Shakespeare: Following the success of a string of TV talent shows, a new series will seek to find a new playwright who will get his or her West End debut.

Strictly Celibate: In 'The Monastery' - which most resembles The Apprentice reimagined as The Novice - a quintet of civilian men attempt to live by the rule of St Benedict at Worth Abbey in Sussex, checking their lip, will, ego and libido at the door. - started tonight on BBC2

Pimp My Reality TV Show: Endemol UK seeks mechanics for new garage reality TV series ... The producers say they will be particularly drawn to people with additional interests and ‘petrol head’ passions, whether it be customising cars, hot rod conversion, or classic car restoration.

Vernon does Vegas: NBC has added a new alternative series to its summer 2005 lineup with "Hit Me Baby One More Time," ... All three episodes of the series will be hosted by Vernon Kay

wanna be on tee vee?

Big Brother is looking for 1,000 people to take part in a unique event on Wednesday 11th May 2005 at a secret venue in the East End of London.

If you are selected, you'll be part of the filming of a Big Brother TV commercial to be broadcast on Channel 4 from Friday 13th May, and you'll have a chance to share in over £100,000 worth of prizes.

To be part of the Event you will need to be:
- 18 or over
- Available on Wednesday 11th May between 11am and 3pm
- Able, independently, to get to and from the East End of London - there will be no parking available at the location so it is advisable to come on foot

For a chance to be part of this exciting event text:

'bbevent' to 81125 before noon Tuesday 10th May


Big Brother Event linkey

cheap pink wafers all round

More Post-Apprentice news:

Tim can afford another baybee now aww bless

Most women whose fiance's salary has just rocketed to &L&100,000 overnight would probably splurge on diamonds, designer clothes and exotic holidays. But not Jasmine. She will still rummage through market stalls for bargains and scour TK Maxx for clothes. Because what she really wants to spend the money on is a little brother or sister for three-year-old Kayla.

actually if it was me I wouldn't have the diamonds or the baybee, I'd have a new bike.

Saira's husband speaks to the Mirror

Saira speaks to the Torygraph

"Making money is what matters," she said at one point, with all the charm of a self-adhesive shoulder pad. "End. Of. Story." .... "Overall, I think I came across on television as a gutsy, ballsy woman which is either a good thing if you look up to that," she says breathlessly, "or a bad thing if you feel threatened by it."
...
[Saira & Mr Saira] met in 2002 while they were both working for United Biscuits. "We told each other what sort of biscuit we thought we would be. I said that he was like a Boaster, a very expensive, premium chocolate-chip biscuit. He said I was like a Happy Shopper pink wafer biscuit, because everyone loves them and they're reliable."

She laughs just as loudly as she speaks, in a prolonged series of enthusiastic squawks. "Yeah, I was a bit offended!" Luckily, there appears to be a high demand in the business world for cheap pink wafers, and Saira is now being inundated with job offers

charming I'm sure

The Farm contestants

Oh my. Flavor Flav from Public Enemy, Keith Harris and Orville (Orville has a tiny bed!), Emma Noble, Emma B, Ron Jeremy, Mikey Green from Phixx (from Popstars The Rivals show), Charlene Tilton (Dallas), Ciccolina (Italian porn star turned MP and subject of the 'Pop Will Eat Itself' song called Ciccolina), Lionel Blair and Kat from Eastenders ex! I liked it when Flavor Flav asked him what he did and he said 'I used to go out with a soap star'. HA.

Oh and I saw my first BB6 trail tonight. Yay.

The Farm starts tonight

Yes this will tide me over nicely until Big Brother 6. Rumoured people on it - Eastenders star Jessie Wallace's ex-fiancé Dave Morgan, Toyah, Andy Scott Lee (ex boyband and failed pop idoler), Lionel Blair, Ron Jeremy, Emma B (yes her again, a model apparently) and Emma Noble (used to be married to John Major's son and was in Crossroads).

Saturday round up - Paul and Natasha the 50s/40s throwbacks were kicked out of Strictly Dance Fever (about time).



On Hit me Baby...Chesney Hawkes won. Predictable.

3 weeks to go until Big Brother 6!

Rumours are about of another swap for our BB, mainly as BB Australia is on at the same time and the housemates there are bringing passports. Also BB Oz might have a plant (yes that old one, the one we suspect every year). Norway and Sweden's BB have the bedsit! I'd love the bedsit back but seems unlikely seeing as it ended in the big fight and the police being called. In other BB news...Michelle 'chicken' Bass has had breast implants and is taking over from Abi Titmuss 'presenting' some porn channel or other. Or so it said in Closer mag.

Apprentice Final: from the papers

Gruaniad: After 12-week trial, Sir Alan tells former tube manager: 'You're hired'

Mr Campbell dedicated the win to his mother, who brought the family up after his father walked out when he was one. "My mum was there at the final and she was screaming and crying - I think she was on a bigger rollercoaster than me," he said. "I understand the sacrifices she made when we were growing up and I wanted to repay her."

Times: Apprentice winner gets a £100,000 Sugar daddy

Mr Campbell, 27, will earn £100,000 a year in his new role and plans to spend his first month’s salary on a luxury cruise for his mother, Una. Like his new employer, who was brought up in an East End council house, Mr Campbell grew up in East London. He still lives there, in Stratford, with his fiancée and three-year-old daughter.

BBC Magazine: Key lessons from The Apprentice

"It is a business programme, but realistically, a lot of people will see it as a reality programme because there's an elimination process," [Sir A] tells BBC News. "There is a very serious underlying meaning to each programme - a lot of people are going to learn some great business lessons from it."

The Herald: Winning ticket: nice beats nasty for The Apprentice

The grand final of The Apprentice showed nice triumph over nasty, when the 27-year-old transport manager beat Saira Khan, his abrasive, loud-mouthed opponent, to clinch the £100,000-a-year job with Sir Alan's electronics firm, Amstrad.

And some bloke was drooling over interviewing Miriam on 5Live this morning. She seems to be the business man's pin up de jour. Still can't see it meself.

you can call me [Sir] Al

[transcription of rioja-fuelled jottings]

So, The Apprentice Final. Tim -v- Saira. The task: 3 days to create an 'event' on a boat on the Thames. And they got to chose 3 of the failed apprentices to join their team. Gotta big up Saira for chosing Paul even tho they've had the odd 'full and frank exchange of views' in the past. And all the fans of Miriam's tits will have been happy she made a come back on Tim's team.

Saira fan that I am, I have to admit that she was possibly a little over-obsessed with the bottom line on this task. Yes she got stuff on the cheap but where was the flair? They were meant to have a SoCal/Thelma & Louise/general kind of desert outlaw thang going down, cos of the free booze sponsors. Two words: fire eaters. Ten a penny in Lunnun Town, and very Burning Man.

Tim. FFS. After the Stilton incident, who the feck would put The Lovely Miriam^TM in charge of buying the champers?

Inspite of which, Tim won. As predicted. Not a surprise. Tim was more apprentice material, more mouldable and as Mr Gorgeous Pixie Grrrl observed, sponge like. But bless cos Mrs Tim and Tim's bay-beeee were all proud of him. Awww.

Adele. Bwaahhahahahhahahah. And Miriam. And others. On working in all women teams. Perhaps a little too used to working the 'brains in keks' edge?

Apprentice 2: Bring It On! Tho I draw the line at having the anti-chr!st on my wireless of tomorrow morning just to hear the thoughts of Sir A. Even us reality tv hoors have standards.

Terry crowned King of Hell's Kitchen shocker and Farm news

Poor Kathy Burke Kellie was pipped at the post by Terry. Who'd of thought it? Not me. Oh well I await the start of The Farm which no doubt will be as tasteful as last years.

The programme was a strong ratings performer for Five when it first aired last year with former footballer Stan Collymore and Vanilla Ice as contestants. It reached a peak audience of more than 2.5m.

In November last year, Five was cleared of breaching the broadcasting code after showing 'sleazy seniorita' Rebecca Loos masturbating a boar on the show.

Loos, who became famous after allegations she had an affair with David Beckham, was shown undertaking the task to collect semen from the boar.

Which was nice. Apparently Andy Scott-Lee (yawn) and Toyah Willcox are confirmed and Ron Jeremy the old ugly porno bloke adult movie legend is rumoured.

Saturday's tee vee (no wrestling)

Gary and Sam left Hell's Kitchen last night. Now on to a good programme...

Strictly Dance Fever my fave programme. This weeks dances were the Charleston and the Lambada. Unfortunately Toby and that witch he dances with Casey left. I can believe 30's/40's throwbacks Paul and Natasha are still in it, it was funny at first but the joke is over stop voting for them! I do like them but better dancers are leaving and it is not fair. Cem (pronounced GEM for some odd reason, I think it is anyway) and Gemma were unbelievably good.

CEM and GEMMA danced the Charleston Put A Lid On It. "Fabulous, fantastic, " said Stacey. "It's incredible," said Arlene. "We are all here happy," gushed Luca

"This is exactly what the competition is about and this is what we should be voting for," agreed Jason.

Votes: Arlene: 10 Luca: 10 Stacey: 9 Jason: 9 = 38

You can watch it here it is amazing. Except the clip they have put on the BBC site doesn't show the really good bits. Hmm.

I'm happy that Adam is still in. Lovely Adam striving hard to be all manly in his dance again.