My advice to the celebs bravely entering the big brother house tonight.
If you are boring then stay at home.
If you are American don't bang on about it.
Drink cider it is good for you.
Choose these two weeks to have a breakdown you won't regret it.
Live your life in the house like a Girls Aloud or Scissor Sisters song and you can do no wrong (hanging round the kitchen in your underwear or being a classy honey kissy huggy lovey dovey ghetto princess/acid junkie college flunky dirty puppy daddy bastard, ALWAYS GOOD.
Remember at all times your aim is to make the front of the tabloids.
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