Celebrity Trin Idol!

Starting tonight on 5 : "So You Think You Can Nurse?"

Writer and broadcaster Janet Street Porter, TV presenter Gail Porter and comedian Sean Hughes have been given full access to working wards in Barnsley General Hospital to experience first-hand the daily challenges of being a National Health Service nurse. The celebrities will be taking part in this life-changing experience of operating as auxiliary nurses-in-training for two exhausting weeks at the hospital.

.......

Janet Street Porter, known for her strong opinions on the NHS will be assisting expectant mothers, helping the midwives with births and c-sections in the maternity wing.

FFS. If Janet SP had approached me with a camera crew while I was having my labour & caesarean section, I'd've told her to feck right off.

Oh yeah big brother etc etc. Shilpa won, Jade's had a breakdown and gone into the Priory, Jo says it's ruined her life and is being comforted by Fergie (!) and Danielle got dumped by Teddy and her modelling contracts.

Anyway we're so over that, now on to exciting news wot I heard on the wireless this morning: Celebrity Apprentice! With Jo Brand! Thank you tv deities for smiling on me.

Fashion has no mercy

Kelly Osbourne's beret on Project Catwalk was one of the funniest things I've ever seen, I honestly thought she was in fancy dress for a task reason at first. A clip from next weeks seems to see her trying the Tito Jackson look.

Davina was a harsh one to Jo then. Shame Jade didn't get the same treatment. Or Grace. Or Lisa. Or any other of the many BB bullies but then the media didn't care about those ones as they weren't in the celeb version. Davina gets harsh when it hits BB in the pocket non shocker. Just one more day of Danielle on my tv. Hurrah. Good riddance.

In American Idol land someone called Sundance Head went through. That's a good name and he has a story, his Dad was a singer who was knocked off the number one spot by The Beatles. They also put through a bloke with a big beard and long hair who looked like a young Fidel Castro. Fun!

some of my best friends ...

Jo, when you are accused of racism, coming out with the "some of my best friends are black" line is up there with "I'm not racist but". So what if some of your relatives are half-Asian or whatever it was she said. Some of my relatives are Tories, that doesn't mean I don't hate Tories with a passion and wouldn't bully them mercilessly if locked in a house with them for several weeks. I did so enjoy watching her face as she realised her "career" was fecked. Bring on Danielle!

Celebrity Fame Academy

Woo hoo! Back in March. I hope there is live streaming. I hope a lot that there's live streaming.

People confirmed

Tara Palmer-Tomkinson
Shaun Williamson (it'll be like Night Fever all again)
Linda Robson

That's all I know so far.

In BB news... voting cockup all votes cancelled open again tonight.

Saint H

Stop being so nice! A task to win a treat for each other. Look at what H/Ian won.

Cleo won Ian's treat; a donation to his chosen charity.

You're in the BB house, ask for a giant inflatable dog or something a bit more interesting. At least get something you could share like chocolate.

Lucy is a freak

I've just seen Shipwrecked. I do like Terri, but Lucy...

Lucy is fresh from boarding school and has strong opinions on everything from nuclear war to cake decorating.

I'm sure her parents are overjoyed she's the new Jade.

Describing herself as a "traditional girl" with "traditional values" the 18-year-old from York shocked fellow participants in the first show of the series by saying that black people were "like, really bad".

Lorenzo is apparently one of the blokes who were thrown off Coach Trip last year for 'partying' in the early hours one morning. I remember that, Brendan was outraged!

Blimey!

But still they don't mind making money out of her...

I'm not racist but ...

Hearing someone say those words tells you all you need to know.

Funny that

Danielle being given a list including 'don't be racist' by her agent before she went in. What sort of person has to be reminded of that? A racist perhaps? Jade is a bully that we already know, we've seen it on BB3 and Back to Reality, why is anyone surprised? In last years BB terms Jade = Grace, Danielle = Lisa, Jo = Imogen. I think it's amusing as recent as Monday Dermot was asking on Big Brain if Shilpa had brought this on herself! It's AshAleeeen all over again, except with more media as it's celeb BB and the R word.

No crowd tonight... booooooooooooooooooo! I think no booing and no crowd would upset Jade more than booing so maybe that's good. Just a shame Danielle won't be able to hear the boos. I blame Danielle for everything, she's just the most two faced person ever. In my humble opinion!

not watching?

So Big Brother? I'm not sure what to make of all this furor going on in the media with this racist business. To be honest I wasn't sure I even cared. Come on, this is a TV programme. Semi known people trying to raise their profile by the use of a popular TV show.
I dislike Jade Goody. I just know that if she was in the same room as me I'd have to leave. Why? because she's too stupid to know she's stupid. But some people obviously find something in her that's entertaining so they watch her.
The night her and her vacuous family were shoehorned into the BB house with Davina gurning and squeaking excitedly "Our Jade's back" was a sad TV moment. What ever happened to the BB I knew and loved. The social experiment. Putting strangers in a house together and watch them integrate? Celeb BB was fun. You can't keep on a front for days on end so we got to see something of the TRUE celeb personality. But we all know Jade's true persona. It's been there for all to see. It's not racism but ignorance.
I was however extremely disturbed to find one of my very own children siding initially with Jade and her 'Mean Girls' gang. She said "I hate Shilpa" Why? Only after a lot of heated discussion and questioning did I get out of her that she disliked her laugh and way she held herself. On careful examination of the whole affair she agreed that it was wrong to be so vehement about someone because of the way they walked, talked and laughed. When Shilpa cried she said "Cry me a river Shilpa" I was horrified. When someone cries we go to them, ask them what's wrong. Care about stuff and try to sort it out. I want to feel that I am a champion against injustice and my kids follow me. Stand up for the meek and mild. Be brave and bold and don't follow the crowd. It's been a learning curve and to her credit she now from her own free will and observation can see what went wrong and that the trio of Mean Girls really are just that... MEAN.
The BB house lacks back bone in any form. H from Steps can see what's wrong but can't do anything about it. Jermaine is a love poet of uselessness. Dirk doesn't really care. Wants to get home to his urinal. Cleo is really poor in my estimation. She quite obviously doesn't like Shilpa but she pretends to. She sits on the picket fence so tightly its a wonder she doesn't get splinters.
And the three mean girls have regressed to the age of 10 giggling and patting each other on the back for the 'clever' things they say.
Entertainment? Bring back Jackie Stallone.........

and now, parliamentary news

Big Brother remains the key political issue of the day. Pah to such trivia as war, corruption, storms, global warming, etc.

• Gordon Brown's trip to India has been rather overshadowed by ShilpaGate. Hmmm, is that ths sound of spinning I hear? Surely no-one in the government would want to deprive the Chancellor of publicity? Have I just watched one too many episodes of "The Thick of It"?

• David Milliband sez 'Jade out'.

• Reasons to hate the Baddies #284: they made me agree with a Tory leader.

On a happier note, Lembit and Gabriela have been welcoming 'Hello' readers to their beautiful home.

No more Mowbli

Hurrah!

Carphone Warehouse has suspended sponsorship of Celebrity Big Brother following allegations of racism toward actress Shilpa Shetty on the C4 show. The company said its sponsorship would be removed from the current series "with immediate effect".

Rumoured new housemates... (god when will this torture end?) That idiot bloke from Paparazzi (Darryn Lyons) who I hate! And Mark Bosnich...

vote with your remote

I've pretty much given up watching CBB now. Now it so happens I gave up on CBB before the whole Shilpagate thing blew up (tho' it was brewing), because I just didn't like The Goodies and all the stoopid twists. But I'm not going to start watching again to see what's going on. Unlike everyone else, as an extra million or so people are tuning in to see racism live on their tellyboxes. People, listen up, the only language telly execs understand is the off button. The more you watch, the more they can charge for advertising and the happier they are (and the bigger their bonuses). Don't like what's going on? Don't watch. It'll make more difference than all the controversy and phone-ins (2 this week on 5Live!) and headlines and Ofcom complaints and Carol Malone / Derek Lord interviews.

Oh go on

Show them the front covers when they get out Davina.

I bet

Ofcom dread BB starting nowadays. 4,500 complaints and rising.

I wish

Endemol would clear this up. If it's being reported around the world I think they should say what Jack said that was bleeped out.

Well done Dave Gorman

Calling Jackiey borderline racist much to Dermot's displeasure on BBLB. The spirit of Saskia is alive in the BB house once more with Jade and Danielle (and Jo boo).

In better news the Steps tribute task looks hilarious.

I feel like I've gone back in time

I HATE Jade. I also hate Danielle and Jack. I hope Teddy dumps her. I hope Shilpa wins. The booing of her last night followed by the 'row' made me want to thump them all.

Urgh

Danielle saying her and Jade were best mates when Jade had said previously that they'd met three times. Someone is lying. That row between Shilpa and Jade and Danielle it was so rubbish and convenient for BB as there seemed to be 5 - 10 mins to fill! Like Jade has been told to start fighting... Leo's walking is the best bit of the series it was hilarious. Not so funny Jade and her toyboy in bed shown on BBBM. EWW EWW EWW EWW I may be scarred for life.

I think even I'm bored of BB now...

'Citing

Look what I just ordered from t'library.

By the time it comes I will have no interest.

Another one

Leo has gone! On the tv it says he 'escaped'. What will happen now with the eviction? Ooh...

Julien's back!

Being a fickle cow with a short attention span, I am bored of CBB now. Actually I'm bored of all the stoopid twisty turny things they do to make it 'better' and I'm way bored of Jade et al. But most of all I'm scared of the amount of time the feckin show takes up these days. To do it justice you have to do BBLB (half an hour), the highlights show (1 hour) and BBBM (half an hour). That's 2 hours a day commitment even before you add in the live coverage available to a work-at-home digibox owning gal. What I'm trying to say is, I'm too much of a lightweight to give CBB the attention it deserves.

So hurrah for return of Project Catwalk, one hour a week max of The Joy of Bitching masterclass. Very silly task last night, tho: make a dress for TPT out of some other dress. Christine got the push, but it should've been Tymoor for making a bad dress and having a ludicrous name. Ludicrous names are over-represented on the show, although normally named Fetish Designer of the Year Wayne won with a dress that showed the model's @rse. I think Monica's dress was bestest meself.

Note to Sky tho, finishing your PC2 site before the show launches would be good, as 'undefined' splashed all over your webpage is so not a good look. Oh and also de-red-eyeing people's photos, that would be good too. Maybe even employing a photographer to take the pics to avoid red-eye (cos hey it's so hard to find one in fashionland). Where's our attention to detail, people? Julien would be apalled.

In other news: my 7 year old can barely contain himself now he's started seeing trailers for the return of Dancing on Ice.

Next!

Carole, Dirk and Leo up for eviction for tomorrow. I'm sure Dirk is safe enough. You'd expect Carole to go but Leo has annoyed everyone it could be him. I hope it is. Malone hasn't suffered enough for me yet.

Why isn't Jack up? Has everyone forgotten he's there? I did hear him speak last night so he is alive. Jackiey's eviction interview was awful. Really awful I just wanted it to stop. I didn't quite understand the full horror of what it would be like to live with her until it happened. Her swimming cossie was possibly the highlight of the series though.

I feel the need to rate the housemates

Cleo Rocos - number one, TPT on BBLB complete madness as usual
Dirk Benedict - he should marry Cleo
Ian 'H' Watkins - I love Steps, pregnant Claire on BBLB aww...
Jo O'Meara - and S Club
Shilpa Shetty - I think me and Shilpa are over
Jermaine Jackson - I quite like
Danielle Lloyd - model can only get an old footballer
Leo Sayer - I don't like him but the whole thing is funny
Jade - Jade
Jack - pretty
Carol Malone - cow

If you can't take the Heat ...

... stay off of the Buzzcocks. Silly old Preston stormed off Buzzcocks in a huff cos the mop-headed one took the pish out of Chantelle. D'oh (1) Chantelle's 'career' is built on her nice-but-dim image. D'oh (2) have you not seen the show on the tellybox Preston? The host's job is to mock the contestants. Happens every week. Not nice to have your wife mocked, I know, but if you don't like don't go on Buzzcocks. Oh and probably better counsel her against writing her autobiography, too.

Day 6 rate the housemates

Shilpa Shetty - promising
Cleo Rocos - yes I like her now
Dirk Benedict - beginning to be Shilpa stalker
Danielle Lloyd - hair extensions
Jo O'Meara - wishes she was at the bingo
Jackiey - marjorie dawes sherpa? shergar?
Ian 'H' Watkins - looks better with hair brushed back
Jade - the sensible one of the family
Jack - pretty
Jermaine Jackson - bemused
Carol Malone - cow
Leo Sayer - should stay mute

Just the soapstar superstar of us

How rubbish. Just like last year on 'just the two of us' some really awful woman who can't sing (this time Hannah Waterman) and some bloke who a lot of women like (this year Marti Pellow) won even though they were awful. Poor Brendan second on Love Island and second on this. I did like his and Beverley's desperation to win, made me laugh a lot.

Talking of rubbish singing competitions, 'soapstar superstar' isn't any better. I can't decide which is worse. At least on the BBC show it's just a laugh (apart from Brendan who takes everything seriously I think) on ITV they seem to think they are there to discover an actual singer!

badman

very badman. Sleeping with someone else's someone is one thing but blarting it all over the tabs for them to read when they get out of the BB house is something else. Unless it is all part of some bigger plot which Leo is in on and he'll be dueting with Donny after the show.

do you know who I am?

The 'how does Donny know Leo?' riddled solved, allegedely, by Sunday Mirror which reports Danny was doing the nasty with Leo's wife. Tsk. Meanwhile Donny's mam is all worried about him. And a column by Carol tsk tsk.

In other Sunday tabs news, News of the Screws has usual 'woman enjoys sex' shock horror badman sells story cr@p

And Sunday wouldn't be Sunday without Cameron's BB thoughts in god's own newspaper, the Sunday Post.

I know I’d grab the opportunity to go back in myself if invited — if only to meet The Face!

What I reckon to the celebs so far . . .

JERMAINE JACKSON. Admits he is obsessively germ-phobic, so the producers would have been hoping for conflict with Donny Tourette whose habits were not so hygienic. Even if Don hadn’t gone, I doubt whether that would have happened. Jermaine seems too laid-back to spark confrontation. Looks perpetually bemused.

JO O’MEARA. One of my early favourites. Anyone who breeds dogs must be a good egg and I’m a pushover for a girl with a crooked front tooth. It says she’s not plastic.

IAN “H” WATKINS. “Came out” about his sexuality before going in, which was shrewd. He’ll be able to sell his story about that if nothing else when he emerges. His manic giggling is irritating, and then there was THAT joke. What do you call a three-legged mule? A wonky donkey. Puh-lease!

LEO SAYER. Very sunny disposition even when sharing a bed with a naked Donny. Why he would leave Sydney in summer for Borehamwood in January is beyond me, but I love watching him.

SHILPA SHETTY. People keep telling me this 31 year-old veteran of 50 Bollywood films actually comes from Glasgow. The Shettleston Shettys perhaps? Reportedly getting paid £345,000 for her appearance, though other sources say the top wage is £65,000.

CAROLE MALONE. Feisty old bird who claims to be 47. I have my doubts. If the redoubtable columnist finds a worthy sparring partner she’ll be a great-value housemate and I’d like to see her go the distance.

KEN RUSSELL. Approaching 80, he’s the combined ages of Danielle, Jade and Jo — with some to spare. Has the capacity to be cantankerous and earthy.

DANIELLE LLOYD. Seems to be “doing a Jodie Marsh”, saying she is in the house so people can “see the real me”. Let’s hope the WAG makes less of a pig’s ear of it than Miss Nose-job. Apparently has an A level in Chemistry and wanted to go into forensic science. Too bad “Forensics” isn’t a designer shop.

DIRK BENEDICT. Has gone in with a healthy self-deprecating attitude — and I loved his arrival in an armoured van. Even so, I’m still not sure why they have all these Americans in the house.

CLEO ROCOS. She reminds me of a nicer-natured Ruby Wax. Describes herself as a “happy doodle on God’s telephone pad”, which says it all.

Well, tarra for noo!

Tarra Cam and if ever in doubt, remember WWFSMD?


Non-BB news: Project Catwalk starts on Sky 1 tomorrow but I got no evil Murdoch-vision on my tellybox so yay for Sky 3 where Kelly will be in all her glory on Thursday at 9.

Next out

It's very bad news, Ken has gone. Boooooooooooo. Jade's grandparents are popping in for dinner tonight... I expect Carole Malone to stage a Antony Worrall Thompson I'm a celeb type protest soon.

Donny gonny

Donny has gone. Now can I pretend I never saw him in the first place please?

Carol Malone is head butler the right thing for someone who spends their life looking down on other people and being a silly cow. Ahem. Still don't like her. She will pay for her crimes against Anne Diamond on Celebrity Fit Club the big bully.

Miss Liverpool is a peasant. That's her job role not my opinion.

Jade's boyfriend is rather attractive. Which disturbs me.

work it baby

Poor Ken's not getting much of a rest. Leo's been pitching his film ideas at him and H has been asking for acting advice. At least Film4 are showing Women in Love, give the old codge a few coppers in the pension fund.

Mrs Teddy Sheringham

Miss Liverpool is screeching about her shoes. I think she thinks if she's evicted (they've packed their bags and fake crowd noises are being played) Carol and Cleo will prance around in them and stretch them as she is obviously the only woman ever to have posh shoes. I mean how could they possibly have posh shoes they don't date a footballer do they?

Day 3 rankings by me (subject to change by the hour)

Dirk Benedict < I quite like
Ken Russell < like lots I like Ken n Dirks chats
Jo O'Meara < don't stop moving to the funky funky beat

top 3 by a mile then the others

Ian 'H' Watkins < needs Pete Waterman in the house
Danielle Lloyd < shoes n bags n stuff
Shilpa Shetty < quite above all this kerfuffle
Leo Sayer < I'm unsure I'm just glad someone gave poor Jo a bed
Cleo Rocos < new Rula Lenska I think I'm just jealous of her face
Carol Malone < cow
Jermaine Jackson < boring
Donny Tourette < hideous posh berk

Jade and Jackiey and co

I think I'm going to hate Jade's boyfriend. What a surprise! Maybe he'll hit someone... Sez in The Mirror

He is also on bail until March 7 after being arrested on suspicion of assaulting a 16-year-old teenager.

It's all a bit 'Back To Reality' I liked that programme. I was recently AHEM reading Jade's book (shush) which brought it all back, she fell out with Jeff just before going into the BTR house and then Jeff turned up after a few days then Jade was rushed to hospital and she was pregnant... In other news... Cleo is friends with 'Dr' McKeith. Booooooooooo. I don't like Cleo, helping out the posh pretend punk is a bad thing.

good lord

My jaw is still dropped from the appearance of Ken 'hatstand' Russell on CBB. Mad as a box of frogs, hopefully. Here's hoping he shows Donny the true meaning of crazee, as his rock-god posturings are so last century. And his hair is very bad.

Meanwhile in the great "Steps vs S-Club" debate, I am in the S-Club camp. I always loved "Reach for the stars".

Unlike most other people, I have quite high hopes of this CBB. Maybe it's me age. Cleo Rochas (I remembers her on Kenny Everett), Leo Sayer (his was one of the 3 albums my parents owned that dated from after 1965), Jermaine Jackson. And Ken (I am apparantly one of the few people who's watched any of his films apart from Tommy).

Not looking forward to the arrival of the Goodys tonight tho. I'd much rather it was the other Goodies, a day in the black pudding mines would be a great task.

No surprises

For me due to the list being posted at digi spy. They don't seem to care nowadays about the names leaking.

The housemates

Carol Malone - evil Sunday Mirror/celeb fit club cow
Jo O'Meara - nice one from S Club bit like Kathy Beale from EE. Jo to win!
Cleo Rocos - crazy laydee from Kenny Everett
Dirk Benedict - bloke from A Team apparently
Danielle Lloyd - 5th rate Abigail Clancy (it should of been The Clancy)
Shilpa Shetty - 'Bollywood hottie' I really have no idea pretty laydee probably takes no nonsense
Ian Watkins - H from Steps yay. H to win!
Donny Tourette - someone teenagers like probably, 5th rate Kitten
Jermaine Jackson - Not Tito Jackson he's on just the two of us on BBC1 (Brendan to win!)
Leo Sayer - Crazy haired 70s pop person
Ken Russell - Mad mad mad. Ken to win!


But no Paul Michael Glazer booooooo. I wanted Marilyn badly but instead I got the evil Carole Malone. My main problem at the mo is hearing the name 'Donny' and wondering who the feck that is. Oh and 'Ian' he'll always be 'H' to me. I was glad to hear Ken Russell had been parading in the nude already. Ha ha! I need to know how Leo knows Donny maybe he's his real Dad and Tricia will pop up on day 5 to reveal the truth...

Jade

and all her family including (quite probably) irritating boyfriend are to be in celeb big brother sez The Sun.

Jackiey (and her new face) to win!