la la la la la la la I'm not listening la la la la la

Abosolutley nothing happened in the world of reality teevee last night except the Apprentice, in which Naomi got fired. It was the seller-vision challenge again and unlike last time they all made a complete arse of it. They were all dreadful at selling on teevee. By rights Kristina should've been sacked for the shocking job she did with the vacuum cleaner thingy. Simon should've been sacked for general Simon-ness and complete ineptitude in the face of a crisis. But yes I have to agree Naomi deserved it too. Wtf was she thinking, decoupage sticky buds? Oh and Katie. Well bite my @rse and call me Mavis, for I am apparantly her ideal customer for crapoloa vacuum cleaners, having as I do a large bust and a fondness for knitting. Yes and you know just where I'm going to stick my sharp pointy sticks don't you Ms Hopkins?

Castaway gone away

Castaway was won by Grumpy Jon I guess we won't see another series so bye bye Castaway, I loved you anyway (except when you repeated yourself which was most of the time).

Shipwrecked still hasn't finished... Tiger Island's Ben Lunt was at the back of every shot (in the audience) of the judges on Grease Is The Word though (and Louis, Naomi and umm that other one) but mostly Ben Lunt and the amazing big hair he seems to have now.

No text voting!

I'm glad someone has actually admitted that a lot of the time text votes don't go through in time...

Channel 4 has halved the cost of eviction voting for Big Brother and said it will not make any profit from phone services on this year's show, which begins tomorrow.

The cost of calls to vote for Big Brother evictions will drop from 50p to 25p and Channel 4 has axed text voting altogether.

A 10p donation to charity will be made for each vote cast, with the remaining charge covering the costs incurred by Channel 4 to administer the system.

Channel 4 said text voting had been axed because mobile phone operators cannot process SMS messages within a time frame suitable for the voting procedures on the programme.

From Media Guardian.

news round up

I forgot to watch Project Runway last night so don't know if Ugly Betty's nephew is still in.

Asia won Search for the next Pussycat Doll hurrah she beat nasty Melissa. Robyn said all 3 finalists were 'in touch with their inner Pussycat Doll'. As they seem to have spend most of the series forgetting to put their clothes on on top of their undies before going on stage, I fear we are all in danger of bing in touch with the finalists' inner pussycat dolls.

And talking of pussycats (heh did you see what I did there), George Galloway is reported to be the new BBBM presenter. This news makes me very happy, as it will help me stay away from the whole sordid BB8 mess this summer. Even better, Chris "where's the off button?" Moyles is going to be doing it later in the series. No BBBM for me this year.

Meanwhile, tabloids say:
YOU'RE SIRED! Apprentice blonde's passion for married man
Apprentice' star Tre advised to cheer up taking advice from Syed would be such a great career move

and big brother news is everywhere, but I can't be arsed.

Speaking of mad googly eyes ...

nearlyl forgot to post this from Charlie Brooker's screen burn

Speaking of mad googly eyes, I'm now obsessed with Katie Hopkins from The Apprentice (Wed, 9pm, BBC1) - the bitchiest, most venomous contestant in the show's history. Apparently played by the old Spitting Image puppet of the Queen, wearing a blonde wig and glowing pale-blue contact lenses, Katie enjoys sticking the knife into her fellow contestants so much, she can't help smiling as she slags them off to camera. I can't help imagining if one of the others accidentally fell down the stairs, and lay at the bottom in a broken-necked comatose heap, she'd stand at the top grinning like a carnival mask and frantically rubbing her mimsy till the ambulance arrived. There's something unholy about her, like a possessed Ermintrude. Lord help Sir Alan if he finally decides to fire her. Her head'll start revolving and spewing green vomit. Here's hoping Nick Hewer carries a crucifix in his pocket.

Qu'es-ce que c'est le 'mimsy'?

different for girls?

becuase of the foopball I only turned over to the Apprentice in time for the boardroom, to see Jadine getting evicted fired. No idea if she deserved it but sad to see her go, I liked her. Also glad Tre stayed. He should've taken poshSimon in with him so poshSimon could get pushed hah. Then turned over for You're Fired, glad to see the Great British Public is going to hunt Katie down and kill her, not so glad to see Jadine turning up with ironed hair and a petticoat on, apparantly decided to try out for the UK version of Search for the Next Pussycat Doll. And even less glad to hear the businessman on the You're Fired panel being patroninsing about women in business missing their kiddies. Yeah cos it's not like mens ever miss their kiddies is it.

Big Brother news: as the whole world knows by now, C4 and Enditol have been told off in a very stern voice over Shilpagate. I find the suggestion they might be forced to show Jade allegedly reciting an allegedly racist alleged limerick. Perhaps she could go back into hiding and maybe safe-house share with Katie?

Big Bro starts all over again next Weds. Say goodbye to your summer, indeed. I may have to go and spend a few weeks in a tent to avoid temptation.

Joe!

Joe! Joe! Joe!

Joe Chicken out of Castaway before Big Al or feckin newbie Catrin I'm outraged.

Oh and Ken.

But Joe! How did that happen?

10 days to go

Says the voice of Big Brother doom on channel 4. Even I'm pretending I'm hardly going to watch it this year. I will of course watch it all but I'm determined not to enjoy it...

I'm hoping Big Al is voted off Castaway tonight I'm desperate to see how much weight he's lost and I have hated him ever since he said he was going to join the Tories when he leaves... nasty castaway Tory Clare recruiting on the BBC. Tut.

Daniel left ADWD/Joseph I was beyond happy to not have to see his smug smiley face again.

On Grease odd things are happening, swapping the couples around and them all being solo from now on. I want Alison and Kav to win but I smell a horrid Michelle conspiracy led by evil judge David Ian. Oh it annoys me that they split up Alison and former pop hunk Anthony Kavanagh Kav.

Over on everyone's favourite show (well it should be) Chelsea is in the final for the hunt for the next pussycat doll and on American Idol poor Melinda is out making way for tiresome beat boxing Blake and Jordin who spells her name funny.

It just looks like a cd to me

30th May apparently.

I'm more excited about who will 'win' (I have no idea what they win) Castaway. Joe Chicken, Young Al or lovely (ish) evil (ish) Jonathan? The even more exciting bit is when they get voted off and weighed that is my favourite bit.

Who will win Shipwrecked? and Shipwrecker of the year? Probably be Ben Lunt... I'd like Fiona to win something... anything. I read Louis is now dating Naomi I am shocked to my very core (whatever that means).

Apprenti-bulletin

Ghazal = sacked
Simon = tw*t
Kristina = evil
Katie = must die
Lohit = who?

hurrah

for Ewan Euan Iwan winning Deadline.

And hurrah also for young people's alcholic beverages - who knew VK had caffeine in till I couldn't sleep after drinking 4 bottles of the stuff down the student's union tonight? So I go up and yay a repeat of the Deadline final was on

woe is me

bah tonight I have to Go Out. I would not miss the finals of Deadline and Ann Maurice's Interior Rivalry for a lesser man than LKJ.

vive le guilloitine!

Like any good leftie, I maintain a mental 'first against the wall come the glorious day' list, and after last night's Apprentice Katie has been promoted to the top of it. Yes Adam was rubbish and deserved to get fired, as he spent the whole day in 'startled rabbit' mode but Katie's comments about northerners were astonishing. I know a lot of it's in the edit with all these shows but if you don't say it they can't edit it in. She is still the most crashingly arrogant snob it has been my misfortune to see on my telly box since the Fishing Party. I think perhaps she thinks she's being ironic and/or funny, but as Prince Harry's choice of fancy dress has already shown, there is a massive humour gap between braying upper class twats and the rest of us. I wonder when she's going to tell us what she thinks of jumped up cockney barrow boys and whether Sir A will be amused? I have my knitting needles at the ready.

I had high hopes of Jadine at the beginning, things have gone quiet on the Jadine front lately which is hopefully a good sign that she'll come to the fore later on. I also like Tre. He's my kind of arrogant git (ie not posh and not sneering). Disappionted in Ghazal, she's a bit poor. At the start of the series Sir A warned them not to come out with the 'I'm like you Sir A, I'm just a poor boy from a poor family' line; now I think he should also warn them off the 'give me a chance Sir A, make me team leader line'. Someome spouts that in the board room every week.

Apprentice rules question: are they banned from looking stuff up on t'internet on their blackberries? That can be the only explanation for why no-one googled 'nigella seeds'.

Sunday night fashion fest

Hurrah Project Runway series 2 is on Sky3. I am delighted to see Ugly Betty's camp nephew made it to the final 14. Heidi Klum's presenting style is enlivened for me by my mixing her up with Heidi Fleiss.