More amusing rumours

Hassan from Castaway to join BB house! Or ex BB housemates as it is Big Brother's birthday (apparently the first one started on the 14 July 2000). Or none of those. I'm still waiting for Pete Burns.

I like rumours

RUMOURS that PETE BURNS is to be sent into the Big Brother house are circulating.

It is claimed that Pete — who starred in last year’s Celeb BB — has been in secret talks with producers.

There is also speculation that two new contestants will enter the house tonight. A Channel 4 spokeswoman said: “There’s nothing to report.

Probably just a lovely rumour...

Yeah whatever I'm better than you anyway 'what's on tv'

And did I mention I won a show about being a clown or something?

Happy weddingness

Pete Burns has married the long suffering Michael and it's all being filmed for Living. Yay! From Ireland on line.

I hate BB twists that don't start right away. I already hate the woman involved just because she was on a programme called 'Balls of Steel' that sounds highly annoying.

Pete Burns reported to be sniggering in a corner

Living the Dream no more.

Celebrity Big Brother stars Chantelle Houghton and Samuel Preston have split after 10 months of marriage.

Wow I'm so like not at all shocked... next Chanelle and Ziggy will be spitting up, then getting back together then spitting up, then getting back together.

The best thing about this BB is

The people (viewers) who despise Charley. I don't know what the big fuss is apart from her fake tantrums as they are oh so so very rubbish but everything else is amusing. The best bit is how much she's hated though 'tis amusing.

Anyway... Carole, Billi and Tracey up for eviction... Billi fave to go apparently. Ooh I love it when younger men are kicked out and older women are left in, their tiny minds (and those around them) just can't fathom what is going on. Tee hee.

Brian fired (not quite) Louis hired

Louis Walsh is back on the X Factor? After all that fuss about him got rid of? Brian Friedman is going to

become the show's creative director, coaching contestants in choreography and styling

according to bbc news.

So we're back to the Louis and Sharon show... grrreat. Of course this may all change in the next few days as Simon Cowell gets bored of Louis again.

We are thrilled to have Louis back to the X Factor," said Paul Jackson, ITV's Director of Entertainment and Comedy. Viewers will see the story unfold on screen when the series returns later in the year.

I can see it now, Simon looking sad and saying 'we've made a terrible mistake' just like he did with Ray on last years XF and those replacement acts on Britain's got talent.

In other news... BB was funny last night with Nicky and Charley competing over who could dress more slutty around Liam and this was after Liam saying he liked more aloof women. Michelle Bass would be more aloof compared to those two.

Liam gets given loads of dosh

Liam! How did they come up with him? Why give them one minute to decide? An hour would of been better, why does everything on BB have a 50 minute boring build up then one minute for a decision.

Liam! He's been there 5 days, I feel sorry for the others who may have got the money on their 5th day but now they've been in the house weeks and they're all bored with each other so give the money to a newbie.

Liam! He'll probably win anyway. I can't believe anyone in the house really is meant to believe that there's now no prize money... anyway as all BB viewers and housemates know you can make more than that by appearing in the mags, well if you can take off your clothes or be in a 'relationship' with another housemate for a few months. Liam can do both of them so he didn't need the money.

I don't know who 'deserved' it, I would of given it to Tracey she could have financed her coach holidays to Amsterdam for the rest of her life with that.

Vileness and soft toys

Lesley (BB8) on Big Mouth 'I can't tell the difference between Charley and Brian' added to her 'Charley is playing the race card' remark on BBLB I've quite gone off her!

Poor Gerry, his monkey was put in a condom last night... poor monkey. Chanelle's Betsy was as well but Betsy obviously enjoyed it as Chanelle wasn't upset (for once).

Tonight - rumours blah Davina blah cash money blah secret lofts blah the usual blah.

Bad bad bad

Carole, Jonathan and Seany up for eviction. Boo.

Boooooooo.

Too early for Jonathan. I'm calling Age Concern, age discrimination is rife in the BB house.

Ireland's got straight hair

I like Seany's new straight hair, I've decided I quite like him at the same time as quite hating him.

I need a warning for Britain's got talent if on turning over from Dr Who you are confronted by fake blood, as someone who has become the most squeamish person ever in the last few years I can't take such things. Worse was to come though... that child singing... she's on the front of the Sunday Mirror today! If she wins she is going to give her money away to African children... that opera bloke will have to come up with something to win over her.

A new BGT 'scandal' today. Fancy inviting a tabloid journo for a 'sordid sex session'. Tsk and all that. Anyway forget BGT I see a new show 'search for the next kit kat doll' it'd be a hit in my house.

I don't like Brian

Too sweary and wears things saying 'romeo 1' and 'no 1 Essex boy' on them. I think that's enough reason to dislike someone on BB.

The others... Liam seems too normal for BB (which probably means as he's a bloke he'll win) and Jonathan seems too rich. I love the way people think him (Mr Moneybags) and Carole should get together, I bet he'd be very upset to hear that (his friend on Big Mouth said he'd be more interested in Charley, well duh). I liked the way Nikki (BB7 not BB8 one) kept slagging off Billi (the other newbie) on Big Mouth in front of his family and friends.

There are now too many people you just know there will be 5 left on the last night and it will be stupid and rushed, plus it will probably be 5 blinking men.

Poor mad Shabnam 80ish% vote that's not right.

The new ones are currently in the rainy garden seemingly (mostly no sound) practising YMCA for a task.

Britain's got talent is rubbish I am now watching a bit of it and it is bad. Mini musical singers and ghastly pre teen dancing. Urgh urgh urgh. Today I am mostly thinking about this . Both The Sun and The Mirror went with 'Britain's got pervert(s)'.

Fellas

'Fellas' that's a strange word but one The Sun are using today. I prefer 'blokes'. So some blokes are arriving tonight, four of them and they are 'straight' I have no idea how they conducted this test to prove they are 'straight' but Ziggy will be happy... he loves the straights he does. One is apparently an ex cricket fella bloke who is now a tree surgeon. He'd be better off on strictly come dancing.

Crazy chicknam

Shabnam on Britain's got talent clicky clicky youtubey type thing. I like Shabnam I think. I'm not sure, she's quite odd.

I'm not watching Britain's got talent it seems strange. It's a reality tv programme (sort of), people are talking about it and I'm not watching it. Hmmmmmm. Something is odd about that. It's no pussycat dolls.

I've decided who I hate the mostest, that would be Ziggy, actually I'm not keen on any of these men in the house (especially feckin Seany grr). Just rename it Big Sister and ban men I say. Me and Nicky would be happy then. You can tell Nicky used to be larger. Obsessed. With. Food.

joy of schadenfreude

Katie fired

Katie Hopkins, a contender on BBC One's The Apprentice, has been fired from her real job, her employer has confirmed.

The Met Office, where the 31-year-old worked as a brand consultant, said she failed to pass a probationary period.

... spokesman also denied reports that Katie was earning £90,000 as a brand manager for the organisation.

After bowing out of the contest, she sold her story to a Sunday newspaper, giving intimate details of her love life.

and why oh why oh why does the Met Office need a 'brand manager' at however may thousands a year? It's the Met Office, it does weather, as any fule kno. Do you get a better quality of weather if you order it from the Met Office?

No I'm straight

Tee hee.

Seany 'are you ok'?

Ziggy 'no I'm straight'

Lesley has left the building (boo hiss). I'm quite annoyed and extremely unsurprised.

It is a bad day Joseph any dream will do will be over. I don't really care who wins as long as it's Lee.

But if Lee wins it will be as predictable as when Connie won. Actually I really don't care who wins I just wish it wasn't finishing.

Over on Grease... if evil Michelle wins I will be horrified. Oh how I hate David Ian, it's just like his support of Siobhan in how do you solve a problem like Maria? last time. A quick google tells me he has cast Siobhan in Grease... good grief will the evil never end? Funnily enough she's only in the rubbish role of 'straight-laced cheerleader Patty Simcox who has a crush on Danny' probably because she is rubbish.

sharp pointy sticks at the ready

So, penultimate Apprentice = the interview episode, where some of Sir A's mates grill the candidates and 3 get fired. Now deity knows I am no fan of Katie or Krisitna but I did think they were asked some very unfair and quite probably illegal questions about their single motherness and child care commitments. Margaret, you're a lawyer (also a woman), could you explain the Sex Discrimination Act to Sir A?

Anyways Sir A fired Lohit (mr dull) and Tre. Bah @ firing Tre, although he did make a bit of an arse of himself at the interviews, insisting he was a global business tycoon when it turns out he helps out in his dad's businesses and works out of his spare bedroom, sorry, his 'home office'. But I liked Tre, for all that he was a dreadful bullshitter.

And then there was Katie. Who had put on her application form, by way of evidence of her ruthlessness, that she had stolen someone else's husband. Who Sir A told was selected for the final, but then put her on the spot about whether she would actually move to London. And then she seemed to bottle it, as she had inexplicably failed to sort out how she would manage to do the job, before applying. Which seems to confirm Sir A''s suspicions that she wasn't in it for the job. If she really wanted to work for Sir A, surely as an alpha female she'd've got the practicalities of it all worked out before going on the show? Her subsequent appearance on You're Fired was vomit-inducing, as she turned up in a nice frock with her hair down and simpered her way thro, trying to overturn her previous image as posh arrogant snob. Well it didn't work hah. She said people stop her in the street to congratulate her. If I ever see her in the street, I will hope I have my trusty knitting needles to hand ...

So, a Simon & Kristina final. I don't like either of them (Simon a bit nice but dim, also a bit of a scary stalker when it comes to his encyclopedic Amstrad knowledge and Kristina's 'how dare you call me a feminist' reaction has never endeared me to her, nor the fact she is a professional pill pusher). But hey it beats the carp out of the racist-blonds fest over on C4.

Stupid racist posh girls

Now you'd have to be extremely stupid as well as racist to say that on this Big Brother. I like the way they are removing people in the middle of the night now. Pah me and my foolish sleeping and missing all the DRAMA!

Another vote bites the dust then...

How different from Shipwrecked where the stupid racist posh girl (thinks slaves are a good thing, sorry, thought slaves were a good thing, she changed her mind after being on the front of a tabloid) is up for Shipwrecker of the year! Did I hear wrong on Shipwrecked that the prize next year was 100 grand next year????

Emily is removed from Big Brother

Emily is removed from Big Brother

Emily Parr has been removed from the Big Brother house for using a racially offensive word to another housemate.

The 19-year-old from Bristol was taken out of the compound at 0330 BST and was forbidden from having any further contact with the 11 other contestants.

This week's eviction vote has been suspended, in which Emily was nominated along with Shabnam Paryani.

“I don’t do losing. I win. Team Emily”.

So... Bristol my home city is on the BB map. Enter Emily Parr a nineteen year old Student who proclaimed on entry "There's this new music sweeping the country called Indie"

Imagine my DJ cringing face. New music? Indie? Maybe I'd rather Tory posh chick Emily would fall off the Bristol map pretty swiftly.

I did wonder whether people would watch BB8 after all the nastiness and controversy but people love all that nasty shit. My teen girls are hooked already. My 13 year old step son knows every ones name age and occupation.

Am I watching it? Well in my capacity as a member of this lovely blog... yes. But not all the time, not full on like I used to. I'm keeping an eye on things..... and we'll see.

Meanwhile if you want a real look at BB8 check out Grace Dent. She's simply the best and sooo funny.

Be back soon

Tx

la la la la la la la I'm not listening la la la la la

Abosolutley nothing happened in the world of reality teevee last night except the Apprentice, in which Naomi got fired. It was the seller-vision challenge again and unlike last time they all made a complete arse of it. They were all dreadful at selling on teevee. By rights Kristina should've been sacked for the shocking job she did with the vacuum cleaner thingy. Simon should've been sacked for general Simon-ness and complete ineptitude in the face of a crisis. But yes I have to agree Naomi deserved it too. Wtf was she thinking, decoupage sticky buds? Oh and Katie. Well bite my @rse and call me Mavis, for I am apparantly her ideal customer for crapoloa vacuum cleaners, having as I do a large bust and a fondness for knitting. Yes and you know just where I'm going to stick my sharp pointy sticks don't you Ms Hopkins?

Castaway gone away

Castaway was won by Grumpy Jon I guess we won't see another series so bye bye Castaway, I loved you anyway (except when you repeated yourself which was most of the time).

Shipwrecked still hasn't finished... Tiger Island's Ben Lunt was at the back of every shot (in the audience) of the judges on Grease Is The Word though (and Louis, Naomi and umm that other one) but mostly Ben Lunt and the amazing big hair he seems to have now.

No text voting!

I'm glad someone has actually admitted that a lot of the time text votes don't go through in time...

Channel 4 has halved the cost of eviction voting for Big Brother and said it will not make any profit from phone services on this year's show, which begins tomorrow.

The cost of calls to vote for Big Brother evictions will drop from 50p to 25p and Channel 4 has axed text voting altogether.

A 10p donation to charity will be made for each vote cast, with the remaining charge covering the costs incurred by Channel 4 to administer the system.

Channel 4 said text voting had been axed because mobile phone operators cannot process SMS messages within a time frame suitable for the voting procedures on the programme.

From Media Guardian.

news round up

I forgot to watch Project Runway last night so don't know if Ugly Betty's nephew is still in.

Asia won Search for the next Pussycat Doll hurrah she beat nasty Melissa. Robyn said all 3 finalists were 'in touch with their inner Pussycat Doll'. As they seem to have spend most of the series forgetting to put their clothes on on top of their undies before going on stage, I fear we are all in danger of bing in touch with the finalists' inner pussycat dolls.

And talking of pussycats (heh did you see what I did there), George Galloway is reported to be the new BBBM presenter. This news makes me very happy, as it will help me stay away from the whole sordid BB8 mess this summer. Even better, Chris "where's the off button?" Moyles is going to be doing it later in the series. No BBBM for me this year.

Meanwhile, tabloids say:
YOU'RE SIRED! Apprentice blonde's passion for married man
Apprentice' star Tre advised to cheer up taking advice from Syed would be such a great career move

and big brother news is everywhere, but I can't be arsed.

Speaking of mad googly eyes ...

nearlyl forgot to post this from Charlie Brooker's screen burn

Speaking of mad googly eyes, I'm now obsessed with Katie Hopkins from The Apprentice (Wed, 9pm, BBC1) - the bitchiest, most venomous contestant in the show's history. Apparently played by the old Spitting Image puppet of the Queen, wearing a blonde wig and glowing pale-blue contact lenses, Katie enjoys sticking the knife into her fellow contestants so much, she can't help smiling as she slags them off to camera. I can't help imagining if one of the others accidentally fell down the stairs, and lay at the bottom in a broken-necked comatose heap, she'd stand at the top grinning like a carnival mask and frantically rubbing her mimsy till the ambulance arrived. There's something unholy about her, like a possessed Ermintrude. Lord help Sir Alan if he finally decides to fire her. Her head'll start revolving and spewing green vomit. Here's hoping Nick Hewer carries a crucifix in his pocket.

Qu'es-ce que c'est le 'mimsy'?

different for girls?

becuase of the foopball I only turned over to the Apprentice in time for the boardroom, to see Jadine getting evicted fired. No idea if she deserved it but sad to see her go, I liked her. Also glad Tre stayed. He should've taken poshSimon in with him so poshSimon could get pushed hah. Then turned over for You're Fired, glad to see the Great British Public is going to hunt Katie down and kill her, not so glad to see Jadine turning up with ironed hair and a petticoat on, apparantly decided to try out for the UK version of Search for the Next Pussycat Doll. And even less glad to hear the businessman on the You're Fired panel being patroninsing about women in business missing their kiddies. Yeah cos it's not like mens ever miss their kiddies is it.

Big Brother news: as the whole world knows by now, C4 and Enditol have been told off in a very stern voice over Shilpagate. I find the suggestion they might be forced to show Jade allegedly reciting an allegedly racist alleged limerick. Perhaps she could go back into hiding and maybe safe-house share with Katie?

Big Bro starts all over again next Weds. Say goodbye to your summer, indeed. I may have to go and spend a few weeks in a tent to avoid temptation.

Joe!

Joe! Joe! Joe!

Joe Chicken out of Castaway before Big Al or feckin newbie Catrin I'm outraged.

Oh and Ken.

But Joe! How did that happen?

10 days to go

Says the voice of Big Brother doom on channel 4. Even I'm pretending I'm hardly going to watch it this year. I will of course watch it all but I'm determined not to enjoy it...

I'm hoping Big Al is voted off Castaway tonight I'm desperate to see how much weight he's lost and I have hated him ever since he said he was going to join the Tories when he leaves... nasty castaway Tory Clare recruiting on the BBC. Tut.

Daniel left ADWD/Joseph I was beyond happy to not have to see his smug smiley face again.

On Grease odd things are happening, swapping the couples around and them all being solo from now on. I want Alison and Kav to win but I smell a horrid Michelle conspiracy led by evil judge David Ian. Oh it annoys me that they split up Alison and former pop hunk Anthony Kavanagh Kav.

Over on everyone's favourite show (well it should be) Chelsea is in the final for the hunt for the next pussycat doll and on American Idol poor Melinda is out making way for tiresome beat boxing Blake and Jordin who spells her name funny.

It just looks like a cd to me

30th May apparently.

I'm more excited about who will 'win' (I have no idea what they win) Castaway. Joe Chicken, Young Al or lovely (ish) evil (ish) Jonathan? The even more exciting bit is when they get voted off and weighed that is my favourite bit.

Who will win Shipwrecked? and Shipwrecker of the year? Probably be Ben Lunt... I'd like Fiona to win something... anything. I read Louis is now dating Naomi I am shocked to my very core (whatever that means).

Apprenti-bulletin

Ghazal = sacked
Simon = tw*t
Kristina = evil
Katie = must die
Lohit = who?

hurrah

for Ewan Euan Iwan winning Deadline.

And hurrah also for young people's alcholic beverages - who knew VK had caffeine in till I couldn't sleep after drinking 4 bottles of the stuff down the student's union tonight? So I go up and yay a repeat of the Deadline final was on

woe is me

bah tonight I have to Go Out. I would not miss the finals of Deadline and Ann Maurice's Interior Rivalry for a lesser man than LKJ.

vive le guilloitine!

Like any good leftie, I maintain a mental 'first against the wall come the glorious day' list, and after last night's Apprentice Katie has been promoted to the top of it. Yes Adam was rubbish and deserved to get fired, as he spent the whole day in 'startled rabbit' mode but Katie's comments about northerners were astonishing. I know a lot of it's in the edit with all these shows but if you don't say it they can't edit it in. She is still the most crashingly arrogant snob it has been my misfortune to see on my telly box since the Fishing Party. I think perhaps she thinks she's being ironic and/or funny, but as Prince Harry's choice of fancy dress has already shown, there is a massive humour gap between braying upper class twats and the rest of us. I wonder when she's going to tell us what she thinks of jumped up cockney barrow boys and whether Sir A will be amused? I have my knitting needles at the ready.

I had high hopes of Jadine at the beginning, things have gone quiet on the Jadine front lately which is hopefully a good sign that she'll come to the fore later on. I also like Tre. He's my kind of arrogant git (ie not posh and not sneering). Disappionted in Ghazal, she's a bit poor. At the start of the series Sir A warned them not to come out with the 'I'm like you Sir A, I'm just a poor boy from a poor family' line; now I think he should also warn them off the 'give me a chance Sir A, make me team leader line'. Someome spouts that in the board room every week.

Apprentice rules question: are they banned from looking stuff up on t'internet on their blackberries? That can be the only explanation for why no-one googled 'nigella seeds'.

Sunday night fashion fest

Hurrah Project Runway series 2 is on Sky3. I am delighted to see Ugly Betty's camp nephew made it to the final 14. Heidi Klum's presenting style is enlivened for me by my mixing her up with Heidi Fleiss.

the Lord will provide

I do wish Graham Norton would stop talking in reverential tones about "The Lord". Whenever he does it I assume it's a God reference, not such an absurd thought given that Joseph is a bible story and the last time Graham was funny was as Father Noel. But no, he is referring to much more important person than than, he's referring to Andrew LW himself.

Rubbish Gerri was unsurprisingly fired from the Apprentice this week. But stand by for another "do these people not watch the show?" moment as the girls (some of) decide to raise money by sellng themselves on the street kisses in pubs. Yeah that's a good way to promote the role of women in business and we know from previous series how much Sir A likes business women getting their tits oot. Jadine (yay) was one of the dissenters who didn't want to pimp her sisters, while Kristina looked appalled at the accusation of being a feminist, and nice poshos Kate and Paul got soppy.

Deadline had a double sacking last week, maybe they will mirror the apprentice again with a blossoming romance this?

Any Joseph will do

First I have to mention the HORROR that is grease is the word I think itv should be shut down because of the HIDEOUSNESS of the 'laugh at the mad people' audition shows. I liked the stammer bloke though.

But JOSEPH JOSEPH JOSEPH or whatever it is called is the best thing ever. I'm fairly sure one of the curlies will win and probably Rob, I am fond of Seamus though as he is 35 and everyone seems to hate him. I like Keith too mostly as he works in Tesco with his Mam and girlfriend, which is slightly different to Rob (already working in musicals) and Seamus (asked to sing with Madonna at Live 8).

Other reality tee vee I am enjoying includes deadline (even though it is encouraging my Abi Titmuss love), shipwrecked (I'm looking forward to tonight's as it seems male Jo gets to visit the other island so hopefully more airtime for male Jo) and search for the next pussycat doll which is brilliant (the choreographer seems to be Just Jack from W&G).

And omg what is happening on castaway they are bullying my Jon.

Jonathan spends the next few hours watching Hassan as he struggles down the hill to Banishment Beach, passing commentary on his every move.

Hassan pushes doggedly through, spitting down at Jonathan, who has been sitting on the beach waiting.

"It has to go down as a classic moment in my life," Jonathan says.

That made me laugh. But all the camp have turned against him except young Al and maybe Joe Chicken. Ken went absolutely mental.

Over on American idol Sanjaya was ace this week I couldn't stop smiling and sniggering, it was nice to see him actually be good again. I like this

Democratic presidential hopeful Hillary Rodham Clinton was asked during a WOKQ-FM radio call-in what could be done about American Idol finalist Sanjaya Malakar.

How do you solve a problem like Sanjaya? I'd like that programme.

not the Apprentice

Deadline, tis not the Apprentice but is still good value. It has the same attraction as the Apprentice, ie you get to hate every single contestant every single week, they are all vile. Aaargh when they say "eek I can't pap people, I hate paps" yeah like who knew you'd be expected to pap slebs? How bizarre that working on a sleb magazine run by annoying hair-don't 'king of the paps' and a Daily Star hack would be more Heat than Newsnight. JSP is very scary, her face has been moulded out of plastic. And a big Hurrah for ITV Play, since the phone in scandal it has turned into ITV2+1 so you don't have to miss any Deadline while watching You're Fired on a Wed.

My not-gay son is now a big fan of the weekly Andrew LW advertorial that is Joseph. I am scared that we might have to go and see the flippin' show (on which I am word perfect, we did a performance of it at school).

The Apprentice of course rocks. Hurrah for Rory getting fired last week, I always particularly enjoy the posh ones getting shafted. Ifti had to go, too. I am liking Tre in a panto-villain way (and he does seem to do some work and get stuff done). I hope The Boring One doesn't win this year, whoever that may be (see "Saira was robbed by Tim" and "The Badger was robbed by Michelle"). So far Jadine is being shown as this year's "feisty woman who will get slagged off for being a pushy ball busting bitch" but tis early days yet.

The new presenter of the X Factor

And allegedly still carrying on with BBLB.

Deadline

'Celebs' running a newspaper. Janet Street-Porter as the editor. Thank you ITV2. Rumoured 'celebs' Charles Kennedy, Meg Mathews, Chris Parker and Gemma Atkinson. Ick get off my reality tv Gemma Atkinson.

One of 58,000/2.1 million

Castaway moved as audience falls.

The BBC is moving reality show Castaway from its Sunday night slot after ratings dropped to just 2.1 million.

The hour-long programme has been going out weekly at 2100, but will now get three half-hour slots at 1900 on Sunday, Tuesday and Thursday nights.

I don't mind the BBC1 show being broken up in to 3 in fact that's a good thing, but I don't want to lose the other two days shows if the BBC3 shows are scrapped altogether.

I'm really enjoying it, it is true I have a high threshold for people doing nothing as I watch a lot of reality tv but it's good if you watch it, especially the BBC3 shows which has 58,000 viewers apparently. I have no idea if that's bad, I mean, it's BBC3 home to all the quality 'ooh I'm too fat/ooh I'm too thin' shows. Castaway is a million times better than 'help my dog is as fat as me' and that's a fact!

I'm glad that Jason was voted off, I don't want anyone else to go though as it's meant to be castaway and not BB. Also Jonathan is reality tv gold.

Here we go...

A London Olympics hopeful, a bankrupt entrepreneur and a quantum physicist are among the fresh batch of contestants vying for a job with tycoon Sir Alan Sugar.

From this is London.

Predictably I'm quite interested in

Natalie Wood, 29, who recently lost six stone on a WeightWatchers diet.

Also I'm amused she's called Natalie Wood.

SirAlan is still moaning on about people not being on the apprentice to become tv stars... umm it's a tv programme and now it's on BBC1 there will be even more tabloid interest plus the last one you chose you sacked or something. It's quite a lot about becoming famous-ish now I'd say.

10 days to go

WEDNESDAY 28 MARCH
Documentary
New series
The Apprentice
9:00pm - 10:00pm
BBC1

Woo and a hoo.

In other busy reality tv news

Monika didn't win project catwalk BOO we shall miss you Monika Patrycja Rene.

Tara won celeb FA WOO.

Some sports bloke won DOI I have no opinion.

I am muchly liking castaway I may be the only viewer.

top telly tonight

7.00 pm Sleb FA - go Ray! (edit: I missed last night's and didn't know Ray had gone bah). Ick Colin ick ick you can tell he thinks he's god's gift to women but Colin there's probably a reason you do most of your work on radio ...

8.00 pm Masterchef Final - go Hannah!

9.00 pm Sleb Apprentice whoo hoo go Jo!

10.00 pm Project Catwalk final - go Monika (no linkage so I don't accidentally see the result as it's been on Sky 1 already)

Me and my knitting needles will be glued to our telly box

Poor Kate

From the beeb.

Music mogul Louis Walsh will no longer act as a judge in the next series of The X Factor, ITV has announced.

The Irishman will continue to manage acts off-screen, while two new judges will join regulars Simon Cowell and Sharon Osbourne.

The show's host Kate Thornton is also being replaced and is moving on to present new programmes with ITV. A new category will be introduced to the show's revamped format, while the age limit will also be lowered.

I'd be happier if Ben Shepard was leaving the ITV2 show. I don't really get the Kate hate, it's not like she's Davina or someone bad like that. I hope the new person won't be Cat or Fern.

A big urgh at the age limit being lowered. Hideous fourteen year olds? No ta.

He looks different

From The Mirror.

ITV was last night bracing itself for a huge slump in income as all its money-spinning phone-ins were axed after a string of voting blunders and quiz show cons.

Today's editions of This Morning and Loose Women will have no telephone competitions and the screening of Saturday's semi-final of Dancing on Ice was plunged into doubt as bosses pulled the plug on polling lines.

I'm looking forward to DOI being decided by a raise of hands.

Tara 'health fears'

According to the S*n, TPT's sweaty mad-eyed apperance on Saturday night 'sparked health fears'. Often 'sparked health fears' is journo speak for 'was off her t*ts' but obv not in the case of Ms P-T, it was all due to her dress falling off in rehearsals.

I want to press red

It's all a bit vague. Do they not go into the house until Wednesday? I keep checking my red button just in case they've snuck them in and turned on the live stuff in secret.

Yay Emily still in DOI I know she's not that good but all those Richmond Hill viewers have phones. Also her partner is lovely. The lovely Daniel. Lovely. Duncan and Clare are quite evil.

I've seen two episodes of beauty and the geek and I am hooked. I was watching Shipwrecked's little brother (hutcam diaries) and it just came on. Oh dear. I'm in love with Josh. Oh dear. I'm quite astounded at the Wes makeover.

Rowland Rivgone

Son and I are happily hooked on Celeb FA. We share some opinions (eg Miranda & Mel good, Tim & Shaun bad) but diverge on others. Colin Murray absolutely massacred Teenage Kicks but son liked it; so did Richard Parks (the fact he is a regular guest on Colin's R5Live show - the actually very good Fighting Talk - is pure co-incidence). But Parks not all bad, he had a go at Kielty which is always a good thing. Ray Stubbs was surprisingly good and my fave of the night, but son's fave was Tricia who was good too. Couldn't tell if that was terror or an Optrex overdose in TPT's eyes. I do normally like Rowland (and hello to the person who came here by googling for Rowland Rivron naked) but comedy boobs are not quite as hilarious as he thinks. He was better on the sing-off without the props, but in the end he went and Miranda & Angelica stayed. Boo cos I'd've liked him to stay in and Angelica was just bland (tho son liked her) but at least Miranda stayed.


In other news: a new series of Castaway starts on Friday. OMG. I loved Castaway 1, so looking forward to it.

Patrick Kielty: an apology

In the past, this blog may have given the impression that Patrick Kielty is an utter waste of hydrocarbons, a man whose appearance on our screens is liable to lead us to sell our tellybox on ebay. We now realise that we gravely underestimated what a fine and courageous anti-capitalism activist he truly is. We send Comrade Kielty our humble apologies and look forward to bumping into him down at the barricades on the next anti-globalisation action.

"If [Cat Deeley] wants to make huge sums of money in one of the few countries that didn't sign up to the trade agreement," he declared to reporters, "then she doesn't care about aid at all. Cat's turned her back on us. Good luck to her and her capitalism." ...

Assuming Patrick was not unveiling a hilarious new comedy character - a parody of a particularly slow-witted sixth-form activist - his position seems confusing. After all, in 2004, he filmed a pilot version of Deal or No Deal for the US network ABC, which announced the show would premiere in March of that year. Alas, the network decided to can it at the last minute - a merciful decision for Che Kielty, no doubt, and one which would ultimately free him up to focus on more ethically unimpeachable jobs such as presenting Celebrity Love Island.

raw sex does fame academy

Yay for Rowland Rivron, I might even have to watch sleb FA this year. It will give me yet another chance to ramble on reminisce about his fine TV work eg being half of Raw Sex and his short lived chat show in which he interviewed guests in the river, I might even have time to polish up my claim to fame with Rowland anecdote. But I am with Jude on the 'no more nekkidjacuziness' point.

Press red!

From the BBC

BBCi gives fans watching on digital television the ultimate access to all the action from inside the Fame Academy from 7am to 1am every day, by pressing the red button.

Oh good. I do like to watch 'celebs' eating their tea. I love FA it's like Big Brother and Pop Idol combined thus making it the best thing ever.

The celebrity students are:
Angellica Bell (presenter)
Colin Murray (Radio 1 DJ, TV presenter)
Fred MacAulay (DJ, broadcaster)
Linda Robson (actress)
Mel Giedroyc (comedienne, writer)
Miranda Hart (comedy actress)
Ray Stubbs (BBC Sport presenter)
Rowland Rivron (comedian/presenter)
Shaun Williamson (actor, Extras)
Tara Palmer-Tomkinson (personality/TV presenter)
Tim Vine (comedian)
Tricia Penrose (actress)
Zoë Salmon (Blue Peter presenter)

Rowland. Should be fun. Hopefully less naked than on 'trust me I'm a holiday rep'.

Congrats to American Idol loser Jennifer Hudson who has only gone and won one of them Oscar things.

In other news I'm furious Lisa Scott Lee got kicked out of DOI instead of Mr Freak Hair.

knicker lovers

Oh no not more knickers. Someone on the Project Catwalk production team really, really likes seeing tall emaciated women strutting about in high heels and panties, they've already done a bikini 'challenge' and then this week they're designing underwear for Caprice.

Wayne's effort was v. poor, more Primark than Fetish Wear Designer of the Year. Giles seems to be turning out to be a bit of stereotype homosexualist fashionista who doesn't like women. Poor Monika had a vile cold and got the wrong measurements so made a too small bra, but she still rocks and should've won. If she doesn't make the final it will be a travesty. Luke won the challenge, Fatz got chucked off, not surprising as her knicknacks were too small and her bra a bizarre shape. How on earth do you manage to cut your clothes too small to fit a catwalk model? And how come you don't leave a good margin just in case, like my mum taught me during her futile attempts to teach me dress making.

I suspect much toupe tape was used to keep those bras in place. You can tell my taste in unmentionables is more M&S than S&M by the fact that during the catwalk, I was most worried that the knickers they made were going to be scratchy and/or give the poor models thrush. Cotton gussets, people, cotton gussets.

Julien's hair is looking very fetching this series. Kelly should ask for the name of his stylist. And his colourist, I fear she's still letting Cousin Terry loose on hers.

Hell's Kitchen

I presume this is replacing Love Island (r.i.p) if it's in the summer... Digi spy reports

ITV1 has confirmed that chef Marco Pierre White is to appear in the third series of Hell's Kitchen, which returns as part of the channel's summer line up.

It's celebrities... are there any left?

The show, which will see White training a group celebrities in his kitchen, will air over a two-week period in the summer.

Over in American Idol land... sigh... Cat Deeley is still in the UK version only and apparently the bloke from an old UK boy band who didn't get through the last round was only shown here!!!!!!!! I want to see the proper American version ffs. If they want to encourage people to download it and not watch ITV1/2 then they are going the right way about it.

Rip off

I'm glad this has made the papers, mostly because I'm annoyed that I can't afford to go to it.

The forthcoming Dancing On Ice tour has been branded a "rip-off" by fans of the show.

A family of four will pay around £200 for their tickets - but will then be asked to spend extra cash by voting for their favourite couples via text message once they're inside.

One fan told the Daily Star Sunday: "It's a great family show but what normal family can afford all that? It's a total rip-off. And to get people to text when they are actually there really tops it off!"

From digi spy. Talking of dancing on ice. Kay Burley still in it. Bad bad bad.

It's safe to come out from behind the settee

The American Idol auditions all nine billion hours of them are officially OVER. YAY! Next is Hollywood week. I can't wait. I want all the rock women and the Fidel Castro bloke and the Jack Osbourne alike to go through please.

Ooh pic of 'Jack'



He's actually called Chris Sligh.

My fave bit of AI so far I think is the person telling Simon Cowell to go back to France! Then when the presenter told her he was English she said he should go back to 'British'! Must be Danielle Lloyd's cousin or sumfink.

Monika wins again

Huzzah Monika won this week's Project Catwalk task, in which they had to restyle another contestant. She made Phatz look v. glam whereas Fatz made her look Fat, the bustier top was OK but wtf was going on with the tartan trim boufy skirty? Tyler got very upset at having to restyle Wayne because she doesn't 'do' menswear and hurah got evicted after producing a vile sleeveless shirt and sticking some diamante on some shop bought keks. (Is it just me or is Sky's Project Catwalk page fecked?)

BB-ish news: I did enjoy seeing Danny Tourette being made an idiot of on Buzzcocks. He wouldn't know punk if Danbert Nobacon hit him over the head with a jug of water. Which I wish he would. Roll on next week's with Preston teehee.

talking of sense of perspective

Serving PM interviewed by police in corruption enquiry and no-mark barbie girl interviewed by police for something she said on tv, obviously equally important news stories.

kelly hat news

I'm wondering if La Osborne has a bet on to wear increasingly ridiculous hats in every episode of Project Catwalk. Last night's sparkly mini-sized hat was really quite silly. Nice-but-dim Henry got pushed off the runway for being unable to sew (you do wonder what the selection criteria at the auditions are? There must be more telegenic wannabe fashion designers who can actually use a needle, thread and pair of scissors?). I'm liking Monica, stroppy cow who actually knows how to thread a needle.

"What is the world coming to" news: Shilpa to meet Queen and Tony Blair. Sense of Perspective, anyone?

BB Racism: What would Cameron do?

WHERE DOES this year’s unprecedented furore leave the future of Big Brother?

I’ve always said I’m not as keen on Celebrity Big Brother as I am on the real deal “commoners” BB. What started as a fun spin-off to raise money for charity has spiralled out of control and I wouldn’t mind one bit if it was ditched so all the focus could be on the summer show.

Since I’ve been doing this column I’ve had letters asking me why I bother with such “rubbish” as Big Brother but I honestly believe it has something to contribute about the way we work as people and society.
And I was tickled by Channel 4 TV chief Stuart Cosgrove’s comments that it should come to Scotland.

Brilliant concept. Bring it on.

There ain’t a format in the world that is so tired it can’t be jazzed up by putting a kilt on it!

Celebrity Trin Idol!

Starting tonight on 5 : "So You Think You Can Nurse?"

Writer and broadcaster Janet Street Porter, TV presenter Gail Porter and comedian Sean Hughes have been given full access to working wards in Barnsley General Hospital to experience first-hand the daily challenges of being a National Health Service nurse. The celebrities will be taking part in this life-changing experience of operating as auxiliary nurses-in-training for two exhausting weeks at the hospital.

.......

Janet Street Porter, known for her strong opinions on the NHS will be assisting expectant mothers, helping the midwives with births and c-sections in the maternity wing.

FFS. If Janet SP had approached me with a camera crew while I was having my labour & caesarean section, I'd've told her to feck right off.

Oh yeah big brother etc etc. Shilpa won, Jade's had a breakdown and gone into the Priory, Jo says it's ruined her life and is being comforted by Fergie (!) and Danielle got dumped by Teddy and her modelling contracts.

Anyway we're so over that, now on to exciting news wot I heard on the wireless this morning: Celebrity Apprentice! With Jo Brand! Thank you tv deities for smiling on me.

Fashion has no mercy

Kelly Osbourne's beret on Project Catwalk was one of the funniest things I've ever seen, I honestly thought she was in fancy dress for a task reason at first. A clip from next weeks seems to see her trying the Tito Jackson look.

Davina was a harsh one to Jo then. Shame Jade didn't get the same treatment. Or Grace. Or Lisa. Or any other of the many BB bullies but then the media didn't care about those ones as they weren't in the celeb version. Davina gets harsh when it hits BB in the pocket non shocker. Just one more day of Danielle on my tv. Hurrah. Good riddance.

In American Idol land someone called Sundance Head went through. That's a good name and he has a story, his Dad was a singer who was knocked off the number one spot by The Beatles. They also put through a bloke with a big beard and long hair who looked like a young Fidel Castro. Fun!

some of my best friends ...

Jo, when you are accused of racism, coming out with the "some of my best friends are black" line is up there with "I'm not racist but". So what if some of your relatives are half-Asian or whatever it was she said. Some of my relatives are Tories, that doesn't mean I don't hate Tories with a passion and wouldn't bully them mercilessly if locked in a house with them for several weeks. I did so enjoy watching her face as she realised her "career" was fecked. Bring on Danielle!

Celebrity Fame Academy

Woo hoo! Back in March. I hope there is live streaming. I hope a lot that there's live streaming.

People confirmed

Tara Palmer-Tomkinson
Shaun Williamson (it'll be like Night Fever all again)
Linda Robson

That's all I know so far.

In BB news... voting cockup all votes cancelled open again tonight.

Saint H

Stop being so nice! A task to win a treat for each other. Look at what H/Ian won.

Cleo won Ian's treat; a donation to his chosen charity.

You're in the BB house, ask for a giant inflatable dog or something a bit more interesting. At least get something you could share like chocolate.

Lucy is a freak

I've just seen Shipwrecked. I do like Terri, but Lucy...

Lucy is fresh from boarding school and has strong opinions on everything from nuclear war to cake decorating.

I'm sure her parents are overjoyed she's the new Jade.

Describing herself as a "traditional girl" with "traditional values" the 18-year-old from York shocked fellow participants in the first show of the series by saying that black people were "like, really bad".

Lorenzo is apparently one of the blokes who were thrown off Coach Trip last year for 'partying' in the early hours one morning. I remember that, Brendan was outraged!

Blimey!

But still they don't mind making money out of her...

I'm not racist but ...

Hearing someone say those words tells you all you need to know.

Funny that

Danielle being given a list including 'don't be racist' by her agent before she went in. What sort of person has to be reminded of that? A racist perhaps? Jade is a bully that we already know, we've seen it on BB3 and Back to Reality, why is anyone surprised? In last years BB terms Jade = Grace, Danielle = Lisa, Jo = Imogen. I think it's amusing as recent as Monday Dermot was asking on Big Brain if Shilpa had brought this on herself! It's AshAleeeen all over again, except with more media as it's celeb BB and the R word.

No crowd tonight... booooooooooooooooooo! I think no booing and no crowd would upset Jade more than booing so maybe that's good. Just a shame Danielle won't be able to hear the boos. I blame Danielle for everything, she's just the most two faced person ever. In my humble opinion!

not watching?

So Big Brother? I'm not sure what to make of all this furor going on in the media with this racist business. To be honest I wasn't sure I even cared. Come on, this is a TV programme. Semi known people trying to raise their profile by the use of a popular TV show.
I dislike Jade Goody. I just know that if she was in the same room as me I'd have to leave. Why? because she's too stupid to know she's stupid. But some people obviously find something in her that's entertaining so they watch her.
The night her and her vacuous family were shoehorned into the BB house with Davina gurning and squeaking excitedly "Our Jade's back" was a sad TV moment. What ever happened to the BB I knew and loved. The social experiment. Putting strangers in a house together and watch them integrate? Celeb BB was fun. You can't keep on a front for days on end so we got to see something of the TRUE celeb personality. But we all know Jade's true persona. It's been there for all to see. It's not racism but ignorance.
I was however extremely disturbed to find one of my very own children siding initially with Jade and her 'Mean Girls' gang. She said "I hate Shilpa" Why? Only after a lot of heated discussion and questioning did I get out of her that she disliked her laugh and way she held herself. On careful examination of the whole affair she agreed that it was wrong to be so vehement about someone because of the way they walked, talked and laughed. When Shilpa cried she said "Cry me a river Shilpa" I was horrified. When someone cries we go to them, ask them what's wrong. Care about stuff and try to sort it out. I want to feel that I am a champion against injustice and my kids follow me. Stand up for the meek and mild. Be brave and bold and don't follow the crowd. It's been a learning curve and to her credit she now from her own free will and observation can see what went wrong and that the trio of Mean Girls really are just that... MEAN.
The BB house lacks back bone in any form. H from Steps can see what's wrong but can't do anything about it. Jermaine is a love poet of uselessness. Dirk doesn't really care. Wants to get home to his urinal. Cleo is really poor in my estimation. She quite obviously doesn't like Shilpa but she pretends to. She sits on the picket fence so tightly its a wonder she doesn't get splinters.
And the three mean girls have regressed to the age of 10 giggling and patting each other on the back for the 'clever' things they say.
Entertainment? Bring back Jackie Stallone.........

and now, parliamentary news

Big Brother remains the key political issue of the day. Pah to such trivia as war, corruption, storms, global warming, etc.

• Gordon Brown's trip to India has been rather overshadowed by ShilpaGate. Hmmm, is that ths sound of spinning I hear? Surely no-one in the government would want to deprive the Chancellor of publicity? Have I just watched one too many episodes of "The Thick of It"?

• David Milliband sez 'Jade out'.

• Reasons to hate the Baddies #284: they made me agree with a Tory leader.

On a happier note, Lembit and Gabriela have been welcoming 'Hello' readers to their beautiful home.

No more Mowbli

Hurrah!

Carphone Warehouse has suspended sponsorship of Celebrity Big Brother following allegations of racism toward actress Shilpa Shetty on the C4 show. The company said its sponsorship would be removed from the current series "with immediate effect".

Rumoured new housemates... (god when will this torture end?) That idiot bloke from Paparazzi (Darryn Lyons) who I hate! And Mark Bosnich...

vote with your remote

I've pretty much given up watching CBB now. Now it so happens I gave up on CBB before the whole Shilpagate thing blew up (tho' it was brewing), because I just didn't like The Goodies and all the stoopid twists. But I'm not going to start watching again to see what's going on. Unlike everyone else, as an extra million or so people are tuning in to see racism live on their tellyboxes. People, listen up, the only language telly execs understand is the off button. The more you watch, the more they can charge for advertising and the happier they are (and the bigger their bonuses). Don't like what's going on? Don't watch. It'll make more difference than all the controversy and phone-ins (2 this week on 5Live!) and headlines and Ofcom complaints and Carol Malone / Derek Lord interviews.

Oh go on

Show them the front covers when they get out Davina.

I bet

Ofcom dread BB starting nowadays. 4,500 complaints and rising.

I wish

Endemol would clear this up. If it's being reported around the world I think they should say what Jack said that was bleeped out.

Well done Dave Gorman

Calling Jackiey borderline racist much to Dermot's displeasure on BBLB. The spirit of Saskia is alive in the BB house once more with Jade and Danielle (and Jo boo).

In better news the Steps tribute task looks hilarious.

I feel like I've gone back in time

I HATE Jade. I also hate Danielle and Jack. I hope Teddy dumps her. I hope Shilpa wins. The booing of her last night followed by the 'row' made me want to thump them all.

Urgh

Danielle saying her and Jade were best mates when Jade had said previously that they'd met three times. Someone is lying. That row between Shilpa and Jade and Danielle it was so rubbish and convenient for BB as there seemed to be 5 - 10 mins to fill! Like Jade has been told to start fighting... Leo's walking is the best bit of the series it was hilarious. Not so funny Jade and her toyboy in bed shown on BBBM. EWW EWW EWW EWW I may be scarred for life.

I think even I'm bored of BB now...

'Citing

Look what I just ordered from t'library.

By the time it comes I will have no interest.

Another one

Leo has gone! On the tv it says he 'escaped'. What will happen now with the eviction? Ooh...

Julien's back!

Being a fickle cow with a short attention span, I am bored of CBB now. Actually I'm bored of all the stoopid twisty turny things they do to make it 'better' and I'm way bored of Jade et al. But most of all I'm scared of the amount of time the feckin show takes up these days. To do it justice you have to do BBLB (half an hour), the highlights show (1 hour) and BBBM (half an hour). That's 2 hours a day commitment even before you add in the live coverage available to a work-at-home digibox owning gal. What I'm trying to say is, I'm too much of a lightweight to give CBB the attention it deserves.

So hurrah for return of Project Catwalk, one hour a week max of The Joy of Bitching masterclass. Very silly task last night, tho: make a dress for TPT out of some other dress. Christine got the push, but it should've been Tymoor for making a bad dress and having a ludicrous name. Ludicrous names are over-represented on the show, although normally named Fetish Designer of the Year Wayne won with a dress that showed the model's @rse. I think Monica's dress was bestest meself.

Note to Sky tho, finishing your PC2 site before the show launches would be good, as 'undefined' splashed all over your webpage is so not a good look. Oh and also de-red-eyeing people's photos, that would be good too. Maybe even employing a photographer to take the pics to avoid red-eye (cos hey it's so hard to find one in fashionland). Where's our attention to detail, people? Julien would be apalled.

In other news: my 7 year old can barely contain himself now he's started seeing trailers for the return of Dancing on Ice.

Next!

Carole, Dirk and Leo up for eviction for tomorrow. I'm sure Dirk is safe enough. You'd expect Carole to go but Leo has annoyed everyone it could be him. I hope it is. Malone hasn't suffered enough for me yet.

Why isn't Jack up? Has everyone forgotten he's there? I did hear him speak last night so he is alive. Jackiey's eviction interview was awful. Really awful I just wanted it to stop. I didn't quite understand the full horror of what it would be like to live with her until it happened. Her swimming cossie was possibly the highlight of the series though.

I feel the need to rate the housemates

Cleo Rocos - number one, TPT on BBLB complete madness as usual
Dirk Benedict - he should marry Cleo
Ian 'H' Watkins - I love Steps, pregnant Claire on BBLB aww...
Jo O'Meara - and S Club
Shilpa Shetty - I think me and Shilpa are over
Jermaine Jackson - I quite like
Danielle Lloyd - model can only get an old footballer
Leo Sayer - I don't like him but the whole thing is funny
Jade - Jade
Jack - pretty
Carol Malone - cow

If you can't take the Heat ...

... stay off of the Buzzcocks. Silly old Preston stormed off Buzzcocks in a huff cos the mop-headed one took the pish out of Chantelle. D'oh (1) Chantelle's 'career' is built on her nice-but-dim image. D'oh (2) have you not seen the show on the tellybox Preston? The host's job is to mock the contestants. Happens every week. Not nice to have your wife mocked, I know, but if you don't like don't go on Buzzcocks. Oh and probably better counsel her against writing her autobiography, too.

Day 6 rate the housemates

Shilpa Shetty - promising
Cleo Rocos - yes I like her now
Dirk Benedict - beginning to be Shilpa stalker
Danielle Lloyd - hair extensions
Jo O'Meara - wishes she was at the bingo
Jackiey - marjorie dawes sherpa? shergar?
Ian 'H' Watkins - looks better with hair brushed back
Jade - the sensible one of the family
Jack - pretty
Jermaine Jackson - bemused
Carol Malone - cow
Leo Sayer - should stay mute

Just the soapstar superstar of us

How rubbish. Just like last year on 'just the two of us' some really awful woman who can't sing (this time Hannah Waterman) and some bloke who a lot of women like (this year Marti Pellow) won even though they were awful. Poor Brendan second on Love Island and second on this. I did like his and Beverley's desperation to win, made me laugh a lot.

Talking of rubbish singing competitions, 'soapstar superstar' isn't any better. I can't decide which is worse. At least on the BBC show it's just a laugh (apart from Brendan who takes everything seriously I think) on ITV they seem to think they are there to discover an actual singer!

badman

very badman. Sleeping with someone else's someone is one thing but blarting it all over the tabs for them to read when they get out of the BB house is something else. Unless it is all part of some bigger plot which Leo is in on and he'll be dueting with Donny after the show.

do you know who I am?

The 'how does Donny know Leo?' riddled solved, allegedely, by Sunday Mirror which reports Danny was doing the nasty with Leo's wife. Tsk. Meanwhile Donny's mam is all worried about him. And a column by Carol tsk tsk.

In other Sunday tabs news, News of the Screws has usual 'woman enjoys sex' shock horror badman sells story cr@p

And Sunday wouldn't be Sunday without Cameron's BB thoughts in god's own newspaper, the Sunday Post.

I know I’d grab the opportunity to go back in myself if invited — if only to meet The Face!

What I reckon to the celebs so far . . .

JERMAINE JACKSON. Admits he is obsessively germ-phobic, so the producers would have been hoping for conflict with Donny Tourette whose habits were not so hygienic. Even if Don hadn’t gone, I doubt whether that would have happened. Jermaine seems too laid-back to spark confrontation. Looks perpetually bemused.

JO O’MEARA. One of my early favourites. Anyone who breeds dogs must be a good egg and I’m a pushover for a girl with a crooked front tooth. It says she’s not plastic.

IAN “H” WATKINS. “Came out” about his sexuality before going in, which was shrewd. He’ll be able to sell his story about that if nothing else when he emerges. His manic giggling is irritating, and then there was THAT joke. What do you call a three-legged mule? A wonky donkey. Puh-lease!

LEO SAYER. Very sunny disposition even when sharing a bed with a naked Donny. Why he would leave Sydney in summer for Borehamwood in January is beyond me, but I love watching him.

SHILPA SHETTY. People keep telling me this 31 year-old veteran of 50 Bollywood films actually comes from Glasgow. The Shettleston Shettys perhaps? Reportedly getting paid £345,000 for her appearance, though other sources say the top wage is £65,000.

CAROLE MALONE. Feisty old bird who claims to be 47. I have my doubts. If the redoubtable columnist finds a worthy sparring partner she’ll be a great-value housemate and I’d like to see her go the distance.

KEN RUSSELL. Approaching 80, he’s the combined ages of Danielle, Jade and Jo — with some to spare. Has the capacity to be cantankerous and earthy.

DANIELLE LLOYD. Seems to be “doing a Jodie Marsh”, saying she is in the house so people can “see the real me”. Let’s hope the WAG makes less of a pig’s ear of it than Miss Nose-job. Apparently has an A level in Chemistry and wanted to go into forensic science. Too bad “Forensics” isn’t a designer shop.

DIRK BENEDICT. Has gone in with a healthy self-deprecating attitude — and I loved his arrival in an armoured van. Even so, I’m still not sure why they have all these Americans in the house.

CLEO ROCOS. She reminds me of a nicer-natured Ruby Wax. Describes herself as a “happy doodle on God’s telephone pad”, which says it all.

Well, tarra for noo!

Tarra Cam and if ever in doubt, remember WWFSMD?


Non-BB news: Project Catwalk starts on Sky 1 tomorrow but I got no evil Murdoch-vision on my tellybox so yay for Sky 3 where Kelly will be in all her glory on Thursday at 9.

Next out

It's very bad news, Ken has gone. Boooooooooooo. Jade's grandparents are popping in for dinner tonight... I expect Carole Malone to stage a Antony Worrall Thompson I'm a celeb type protest soon.

Donny gonny

Donny has gone. Now can I pretend I never saw him in the first place please?

Carol Malone is head butler the right thing for someone who spends their life looking down on other people and being a silly cow. Ahem. Still don't like her. She will pay for her crimes against Anne Diamond on Celebrity Fit Club the big bully.

Miss Liverpool is a peasant. That's her job role not my opinion.

Jade's boyfriend is rather attractive. Which disturbs me.

work it baby

Poor Ken's not getting much of a rest. Leo's been pitching his film ideas at him and H has been asking for acting advice. At least Film4 are showing Women in Love, give the old codge a few coppers in the pension fund.

Mrs Teddy Sheringham

Miss Liverpool is screeching about her shoes. I think she thinks if she's evicted (they've packed their bags and fake crowd noises are being played) Carol and Cleo will prance around in them and stretch them as she is obviously the only woman ever to have posh shoes. I mean how could they possibly have posh shoes they don't date a footballer do they?

Day 3 rankings by me (subject to change by the hour)

Dirk Benedict < I quite like
Ken Russell < like lots I like Ken n Dirks chats
Jo O'Meara < don't stop moving to the funky funky beat

top 3 by a mile then the others

Ian 'H' Watkins < needs Pete Waterman in the house
Danielle Lloyd < shoes n bags n stuff
Shilpa Shetty < quite above all this kerfuffle
Leo Sayer < I'm unsure I'm just glad someone gave poor Jo a bed
Cleo Rocos < new Rula Lenska I think I'm just jealous of her face
Carol Malone < cow
Jermaine Jackson < boring
Donny Tourette < hideous posh berk

Jade and Jackiey and co

I think I'm going to hate Jade's boyfriend. What a surprise! Maybe he'll hit someone... Sez in The Mirror

He is also on bail until March 7 after being arrested on suspicion of assaulting a 16-year-old teenager.

It's all a bit 'Back To Reality' I liked that programme. I was recently AHEM reading Jade's book (shush) which brought it all back, she fell out with Jeff just before going into the BTR house and then Jeff turned up after a few days then Jade was rushed to hospital and she was pregnant... In other news... Cleo is friends with 'Dr' McKeith. Booooooooooo. I don't like Cleo, helping out the posh pretend punk is a bad thing.

good lord

My jaw is still dropped from the appearance of Ken 'hatstand' Russell on CBB. Mad as a box of frogs, hopefully. Here's hoping he shows Donny the true meaning of crazee, as his rock-god posturings are so last century. And his hair is very bad.

Meanwhile in the great "Steps vs S-Club" debate, I am in the S-Club camp. I always loved "Reach for the stars".

Unlike most other people, I have quite high hopes of this CBB. Maybe it's me age. Cleo Rochas (I remembers her on Kenny Everett), Leo Sayer (his was one of the 3 albums my parents owned that dated from after 1965), Jermaine Jackson. And Ken (I am apparantly one of the few people who's watched any of his films apart from Tommy).

Not looking forward to the arrival of the Goodys tonight tho. I'd much rather it was the other Goodies, a day in the black pudding mines would be a great task.

No surprises

For me due to the list being posted at digi spy. They don't seem to care nowadays about the names leaking.

The housemates

Carol Malone - evil Sunday Mirror/celeb fit club cow
Jo O'Meara - nice one from S Club bit like Kathy Beale from EE. Jo to win!
Cleo Rocos - crazy laydee from Kenny Everett
Dirk Benedict - bloke from A Team apparently
Danielle Lloyd - 5th rate Abigail Clancy (it should of been The Clancy)
Shilpa Shetty - 'Bollywood hottie' I really have no idea pretty laydee probably takes no nonsense
Ian Watkins - H from Steps yay. H to win!
Donny Tourette - someone teenagers like probably, 5th rate Kitten
Jermaine Jackson - Not Tito Jackson he's on just the two of us on BBC1 (Brendan to win!)
Leo Sayer - Crazy haired 70s pop person
Ken Russell - Mad mad mad. Ken to win!


But no Paul Michael Glazer booooooo. I wanted Marilyn badly but instead I got the evil Carole Malone. My main problem at the mo is hearing the name 'Donny' and wondering who the feck that is. Oh and 'Ian' he'll always be 'H' to me. I was glad to hear Ken Russell had been parading in the nude already. Ha ha! I need to know how Leo knows Donny maybe he's his real Dad and Tricia will pop up on day 5 to reveal the truth...

Jade

and all her family including (quite probably) irritating boyfriend are to be in celeb big brother sez The Sun.

Jackiey (and her new face) to win!

News of the world sez

For celebrity big brother...

Robert Kilroy Silk ~ ha ha yes please

Paul Michael-Glaser ~ blimey YES PLEASE I did have rather a crush as a small child

Lauren Harries ~ no god not again wasn't 'trust me I'm a beauty therapist' enough

Justin Hawkins ~ no ta

Shilpa Shetty ~ 'Bollywood hottie' I have no idea

Dirk Benedict ~ I keep think he's a porn star but apparently in the A Team

England Cricketer Wins Something Shocker

Mark Ramprakash won 'Strictly Come Dancing' . Tonight's was the only one I've watched, and only then because my son was quite interested in the programme that was 'like dancing on ice without ice'.

I hope they get Shane to do the next series, I would definitely watch that.

Today I saw my first Celeb BB trailer. Starts Jan 3rd. Hmmmmmmm ...

Oh and the Lembit/Gabriela story just gets better and better. Entertainment news story of the year, undoubtedly. Awards should be awarded for getting the Cheeky Song on Newsnight. In his honour I am giving him a tag all of his own (oh yes we are all beta-ed up and labeltastic now).

he just can't get enough

That Lembit Opik, eh? No sooner has he split up with one reality teevee star than he's touching the bum of another.

Things I need to know: after her 'triumph' on IAC extra, is Kelly still on for the Project Catwalk gig? Fashion has no mercy, after all

Ex factor ho ho

I'm looking forward to the X Factor final tonight to see just how rubbish and long drawn out it is possible to make a programme. Hopefully Take That will be singing with Leona and rubbish Westlife with rubbish Ray.

I am happy that Strictly's final is next week so no big clash (I'd always choose Strictly over XF though).

On another note Unanimous finally limped to an end with Sian ('young Mum') grabbing the hundred thousand and a bit that was left.

The winner

Ha ha Matt won. I'm happy about that result. No Phina at the final and Faith back in Britain being annoying on the extra shows. Toby desperately trying to get into shot at the end, an arm around Matt and Myleene just to be safe. I thought Jason's last trial was horrible, Matt's pointless and Myleene's good, you can never have enough cheesy pop on tv. I still can't believe she is 9 stone though, did I hear that right on the scale day? She's much thinner than the HearSay days and she wasn't big then.

No Eton Road tonight. BAD X Factor. They would of been good for Barry Manilow week! Hopefully Ray will go or smug Ben...