happy days are here again

Huzza! for the new series of the Apprentice wot have started last night. And huzzah for this year's bunch of tossers shaping up nicely to be an even bigger bunch of tossers than previous series. (Unfortunately I missed the first 15 mins (boo hiss) and due to the death of my laptop [minute's slience] can't watch again or watch the contestant clips on the website).

Obv Nicholas needed to get fired for being a pretentious arse and for slagging off oiks, football and salesmen in front of Sir A - I was surprised no-one on You're Fired picked up on his sneering references to salesmen. In a way it was a shame for him to go so early tho, hours more entertainment to be had from pointing and laffing at him. Oh and love those mirror shades, Nicholoas. They look particularly good in a tv studio. I was surprised he didn't walk on set of You're Fired to the strains of I fought the law¹. Cos he clearly wasn't in it for the job.

Now you'll never know what it's like to work for Sir Alan...
That's true, but I leave with a mixture of disappointment and relief. He and I are like chalk and cheese. I would feel very uncomfortable working under him. I'm far more comfortable being self employed, so my role as a barrister will be perfect.

What's next for Nicholas de Lacy-Brown?
I'm at an important point in my life, I begin pupillage, the next stage in my career as a barrister, in October, and I am showing 40 of my canvasses at my own art exhibition, to be held in Mayfair in May. I've created a special artwork called Nicholas in the Renaissance based on my experiences in The Apprentice.

Arse. Mind you Raef has fantastic tosser potential. Public schoolboy and former estate agent, what's not to hate? Tis why I love the Apprentice, it's so cathartic. Oh and would someone tell Kevin's headmaster he's bunking off school to be on tv? Good luck to Margaret with her PhD in Papyrology. We :heart: Margaret.


Project Catwalk finished last week (at least for us poor freeviewers) and obv Jasper won being as he was the only one with a real talent. Bleurgh at the milking to death of the gayer winning his family's lurve thro fashion, tho. Hahahahaha to Chelsey who after all those weeks of bitching about Viv, couldn't get her collection finished on time (good on her for using some non-stick-thin models tho). Bring on the next season of Project Runway! (and bring back Julien for next year's Catwalk).


1. Alan Patridge/Radio 4 reference there for the teenagers

bring back Julien

Project Catwalk is as naught without his high-camp bitchery. Ms Grazia just can't cut it in the fashmagslag stakes.

Episode 1 challenge was to make an outfit from one of the other contestant's clothes. James was chucked off for making something rubbish. Random jottings on some of the others:

• Debbie - giving yourself a fancy name doesn't make you more interesting. And I know you're self taught but 2 minutes on google would've told you what a pattern block is. But also Note to Producers: well done for getting 13 people who can sew for this series, but it would've been nice to make sure they understood the rules too
• Anji - seems to be styling herself as Monika2. But there is only 1 Monika Rene
• Jules - oh what a simply fabulously witty fashion moment, getting your model to carry a jam jar because your initials spell jam. Dame Vivien herself could not have bettered it.
• Keko - sweetie, I was there in the 80s and your look didn't even work then. Mascara on the hair ffs
• Vic - obligatory 40-something mumsy one
• Ross - likes 'the finer things' but doesn't dress to match
• Chelsey - well yay for being a plus-size model but not-yay for slagging off your model's body shape because you couldn't manage to make your dress fit it properly
  

Overall they do seem more interesting than last year's bland bunch (Katy excepted, probably I am doing her a disservice but she just says 'WAG' to me). I see that since last series Kelly has been to Louise Brooks' hairdresser but not to presenting school.

Thanks MzCougar for YouTubing episode 1 as I missed some (note to self: bring child's bedtime forward, before 7pm is not too early for an 8 year old to go to bed on a Sunday night after all).

fingers in ears again

I'm trying not to watch the new Celeb BB hijack thigmny, I don't have time to get to grips with the rules of another reality teevee show let alone watch every day. I must keep telling myself that before it sucks me in ....

Meanwhile I am happily waiting to be sucked into the new series of Project Catwalk, which starts tonight on SkyOne, I'm hoping it will be repeated soon for us poor deprived freeviewers (maybe on Sunday nights in the old Project Runway slot?)

edit - yup Sundays at 7pm on Sky3, I'll be there (unlike where I was for the Project Runway finale, cursed in-laws)

knicker lovers

Oh no not more knickers. Someone on the Project Catwalk production team really, really likes seeing tall emaciated women strutting about in high heels and panties, they've already done a bikini 'challenge' and then this week they're designing underwear for Caprice.

Wayne's effort was v. poor, more Primark than Fetish Wear Designer of the Year. Giles seems to be turning out to be a bit of stereotype homosexualist fashionista who doesn't like women. Poor Monika had a vile cold and got the wrong measurements so made a too small bra, but she still rocks and should've won. If she doesn't make the final it will be a travesty. Luke won the challenge, Fatz got chucked off, not surprising as her knicknacks were too small and her bra a bizarre shape. How on earth do you manage to cut your clothes too small to fit a catwalk model? And how come you don't leave a good margin just in case, like my mum taught me during her futile attempts to teach me dress making.

I suspect much toupe tape was used to keep those bras in place. You can tell my taste in unmentionables is more M&S than S&M by the fact that during the catwalk, I was most worried that the knickers they made were going to be scratchy and/or give the poor models thrush. Cotton gussets, people, cotton gussets.

Julien's hair is looking very fetching this series. Kelly should ask for the name of his stylist. And his colourist, I fear she's still letting Cousin Terry loose on hers.

Monika wins again

Huzzah Monika won this week's Project Catwalk task, in which they had to restyle another contestant. She made Phatz look v. glam whereas Fatz made her look Fat, the bustier top was OK but wtf was going on with the tartan trim boufy skirty? Tyler got very upset at having to restyle Wayne because she doesn't 'do' menswear and hurah got evicted after producing a vile sleeveless shirt and sticking some diamante on some shop bought keks. (Is it just me or is Sky's Project Catwalk page fecked?)

BB-ish news: I did enjoy seeing Danny Tourette being made an idiot of on Buzzcocks. He wouldn't know punk if Danbert Nobacon hit him over the head with a jug of water. Which I wish he would. Roll on next week's with Preston teehee.

kelly hat news

I'm wondering if La Osborne has a bet on to wear increasingly ridiculous hats in every episode of Project Catwalk. Last night's sparkly mini-sized hat was really quite silly. Nice-but-dim Henry got pushed off the runway for being unable to sew (you do wonder what the selection criteria at the auditions are? There must be more telegenic wannabe fashion designers who can actually use a needle, thread and pair of scissors?). I'm liking Monica, stroppy cow who actually knows how to thread a needle.

"What is the world coming to" news: Shilpa to meet Queen and Tony Blair. Sense of Perspective, anyone?

Fashion has no mercy

Kelly Osbourne's beret on Project Catwalk was one of the funniest things I've ever seen, I honestly thought she was in fancy dress for a task reason at first. A clip from next weeks seems to see her trying the Tito Jackson look.

Davina was a harsh one to Jo then. Shame Jade didn't get the same treatment. Or Grace. Or Lisa. Or any other of the many BB bullies but then the media didn't care about those ones as they weren't in the celeb version. Davina gets harsh when it hits BB in the pocket non shocker. Just one more day of Danielle on my tv. Hurrah. Good riddance.

In American Idol land someone called Sundance Head went through. That's a good name and he has a story, his Dad was a singer who was knocked off the number one spot by The Beatles. They also put through a bloke with a big beard and long hair who looked like a young Fidel Castro. Fun!

Julien's back!

Being a fickle cow with a short attention span, I am bored of CBB now. Actually I'm bored of all the stoopid twisty turny things they do to make it 'better' and I'm way bored of Jade et al. But most of all I'm scared of the amount of time the feckin show takes up these days. To do it justice you have to do BBLB (half an hour), the highlights show (1 hour) and BBBM (half an hour). That's 2 hours a day commitment even before you add in the live coverage available to a work-at-home digibox owning gal. What I'm trying to say is, I'm too much of a lightweight to give CBB the attention it deserves.

So hurrah for return of Project Catwalk, one hour a week max of The Joy of Bitching masterclass. Very silly task last night, tho: make a dress for TPT out of some other dress. Christine got the push, but it should've been Tymoor for making a bad dress and having a ludicrous name. Ludicrous names are over-represented on the show, although normally named Fetish Designer of the Year Wayne won with a dress that showed the model's @rse. I think Monica's dress was bestest meself.

Note to Sky tho, finishing your PC2 site before the show launches would be good, as 'undefined' splashed all over your webpage is so not a good look. Oh and also de-red-eyeing people's photos, that would be good too. Maybe even employing a photographer to take the pics to avoid red-eye (cos hey it's so hard to find one in fashionland). Where's our attention to detail, people? Julien would be apalled.

In other news: my 7 year old can barely contain himself now he's started seeing trailers for the return of Dancing on Ice.

do you know who I am?

The 'how does Donny know Leo?' riddled solved, allegedely, by Sunday Mirror which reports Danny was doing the nasty with Leo's wife. Tsk. Meanwhile Donny's mam is all worried about him. And a column by Carol tsk tsk.

In other Sunday tabs news, News of the Screws has usual 'woman enjoys sex' shock horror badman sells story cr@p

And Sunday wouldn't be Sunday without Cameron's BB thoughts in god's own newspaper, the Sunday Post.

I know I’d grab the opportunity to go back in myself if invited — if only to meet The Face!

What I reckon to the celebs so far . . .

JERMAINE JACKSON. Admits he is obsessively germ-phobic, so the producers would have been hoping for conflict with Donny Tourette whose habits were not so hygienic. Even if Don hadn’t gone, I doubt whether that would have happened. Jermaine seems too laid-back to spark confrontation. Looks perpetually bemused.

JO O’MEARA. One of my early favourites. Anyone who breeds dogs must be a good egg and I’m a pushover for a girl with a crooked front tooth. It says she’s not plastic.

IAN “H” WATKINS. “Came out” about his sexuality before going in, which was shrewd. He’ll be able to sell his story about that if nothing else when he emerges. His manic giggling is irritating, and then there was THAT joke. What do you call a three-legged mule? A wonky donkey. Puh-lease!

LEO SAYER. Very sunny disposition even when sharing a bed with a naked Donny. Why he would leave Sydney in summer for Borehamwood in January is beyond me, but I love watching him.

SHILPA SHETTY. People keep telling me this 31 year-old veteran of 50 Bollywood films actually comes from Glasgow. The Shettleston Shettys perhaps? Reportedly getting paid £345,000 for her appearance, though other sources say the top wage is £65,000.

CAROLE MALONE. Feisty old bird who claims to be 47. I have my doubts. If the redoubtable columnist finds a worthy sparring partner she’ll be a great-value housemate and I’d like to see her go the distance.

KEN RUSSELL. Approaching 80, he’s the combined ages of Danielle, Jade and Jo — with some to spare. Has the capacity to be cantankerous and earthy.

DANIELLE LLOYD. Seems to be “doing a Jodie Marsh”, saying she is in the house so people can “see the real me”. Let’s hope the WAG makes less of a pig’s ear of it than Miss Nose-job. Apparently has an A level in Chemistry and wanted to go into forensic science. Too bad “Forensics” isn’t a designer shop.

DIRK BENEDICT. Has gone in with a healthy self-deprecating attitude — and I loved his arrival in an armoured van. Even so, I’m still not sure why they have all these Americans in the house.

CLEO ROCOS. She reminds me of a nicer-natured Ruby Wax. Describes herself as a “happy doodle on God’s telephone pad”, which says it all.

Well, tarra for noo!

Tarra Cam and if ever in doubt, remember WWFSMD?


Non-BB news: Project Catwalk starts on Sky 1 tomorrow but I got no evil Murdoch-vision on my tellybox so yay for Sky 3 where Kelly will be in all her glory on Thursday at 9.

he just can't get enough

That Lembit Opik, eh? No sooner has he split up with one reality teevee star than he's touching the bum of another.

Things I need to know: after her 'triumph' on IAC extra, is Kelly still on for the Project Catwalk gig? Fashion has no mercy, after all