disappointing

Both the firer and the fire-ee were v. poor on last night's Apprentice. As the BraLady said on You're Fired, Shazia totally did not deserve to get fired on the strength of her performance in the task but she totally did on the her performance in the board room. She was too meek and mild, she should have been fighting her corner and telling Sir A how it was her who set up the laundry tracking system, that Jenny shouldn't've let her go if she didn't understand how to work out whose pants were whose, that it was her idea to iron at home and that they would still have lost even if the shirts weren't lost, because the team didn't get enough business and Jenny spent hours lecturing everyone instead of minutes ringing round to find out how much laundry costs. Jenny should've been fired for that, and for accepting Lindi's bizarre 24 hour pants hotline idea and Lindi's even worse asking for tips idea. I completely loved how Margaret dropped that in the board room.

As for the great Jenny - Lucinda fracas, it's very hard to work out from the edit who is really the nutter here, quite possibly both (or neither - unlikely but possible). So far I'm not liking any of them much, except possibly Simon for his experience of washing pants under fire. But I think he blew his chances of winning by saying he was the NCO to Raef's officer.

happy days are here again

Huzza! for the new series of the Apprentice wot have started last night. And huzzah for this year's bunch of tossers shaping up nicely to be an even bigger bunch of tossers than previous series. (Unfortunately I missed the first 15 mins (boo hiss) and due to the death of my laptop [minute's slience] can't watch again or watch the contestant clips on the website).

Obv Nicholas needed to get fired for being a pretentious arse and for slagging off oiks, football and salesmen in front of Sir A - I was surprised no-one on You're Fired picked up on his sneering references to salesmen. In a way it was a shame for him to go so early tho, hours more entertainment to be had from pointing and laffing at him. Oh and love those mirror shades, Nicholoas. They look particularly good in a tv studio. I was surprised he didn't walk on set of You're Fired to the strains of I fought the law¹. Cos he clearly wasn't in it for the job.

Now you'll never know what it's like to work for Sir Alan...
That's true, but I leave with a mixture of disappointment and relief. He and I are like chalk and cheese. I would feel very uncomfortable working under him. I'm far more comfortable being self employed, so my role as a barrister will be perfect.

What's next for Nicholas de Lacy-Brown?
I'm at an important point in my life, I begin pupillage, the next stage in my career as a barrister, in October, and I am showing 40 of my canvasses at my own art exhibition, to be held in Mayfair in May. I've created a special artwork called Nicholas in the Renaissance based on my experiences in The Apprentice.

Arse. Mind you Raef has fantastic tosser potential. Public schoolboy and former estate agent, what's not to hate? Tis why I love the Apprentice, it's so cathartic. Oh and would someone tell Kevin's headmaster he's bunking off school to be on tv? Good luck to Margaret with her PhD in Papyrology. We :heart: Margaret.


Project Catwalk finished last week (at least for us poor freeviewers) and obv Jasper won being as he was the only one with a real talent. Bleurgh at the milking to death of the gayer winning his family's lurve thro fashion, tho. Hahahahaha to Chelsey who after all those weeks of bitching about Viv, couldn't get her collection finished on time (good on her for using some non-stick-thin models tho). Bring on the next season of Project Runway! (and bring back Julien for next year's Catwalk).


1. Alan Patridge/Radio 4 reference there for the teenagers

Look what's on Dave

The Apprentice series one tonight. I'm tempted to record even though I have it on dvd from ebay, except I lent it to my sister and she never gave it back hmph. Dave has gone up in my estimation now.

Series three

Of Project Runway looks like it has some interesting people on it. I only taped it by chance as people at Digi Spy said it was series two being re shown. Could of done without seeing Santino again... I liked Jay's new look though.

More at DS... Katie Hopkins (boo hiss hurrah) lined up perhaps for Cirque De Celebrité or IACGMOOH. I lasted all of 2 minutes watching Cirque De last series.

joy of schadenfreude

Katie fired

Katie Hopkins, a contender on BBC One's The Apprentice, has been fired from her real job, her employer has confirmed.

The Met Office, where the 31-year-old worked as a brand consultant, said she failed to pass a probationary period.

... spokesman also denied reports that Katie was earning £90,000 as a brand manager for the organisation.

After bowing out of the contest, she sold her story to a Sunday newspaper, giving intimate details of her love life.

and why oh why oh why does the Met Office need a 'brand manager' at however may thousands a year? It's the Met Office, it does weather, as any fule kno. Do you get a better quality of weather if you order it from the Met Office?

sharp pointy sticks at the ready

So, penultimate Apprentice = the interview episode, where some of Sir A's mates grill the candidates and 3 get fired. Now deity knows I am no fan of Katie or Krisitna but I did think they were asked some very unfair and quite probably illegal questions about their single motherness and child care commitments. Margaret, you're a lawyer (also a woman), could you explain the Sex Discrimination Act to Sir A?

Anyways Sir A fired Lohit (mr dull) and Tre. Bah @ firing Tre, although he did make a bit of an arse of himself at the interviews, insisting he was a global business tycoon when it turns out he helps out in his dad's businesses and works out of his spare bedroom, sorry, his 'home office'. But I liked Tre, for all that he was a dreadful bullshitter.

And then there was Katie. Who had put on her application form, by way of evidence of her ruthlessness, that she had stolen someone else's husband. Who Sir A told was selected for the final, but then put her on the spot about whether she would actually move to London. And then she seemed to bottle it, as she had inexplicably failed to sort out how she would manage to do the job, before applying. Which seems to confirm Sir A''s suspicions that she wasn't in it for the job. If she really wanted to work for Sir A, surely as an alpha female she'd've got the practicalities of it all worked out before going on the show? Her subsequent appearance on You're Fired was vomit-inducing, as she turned up in a nice frock with her hair down and simpered her way thro, trying to overturn her previous image as posh arrogant snob. Well it didn't work hah. She said people stop her in the street to congratulate her. If I ever see her in the street, I will hope I have my trusty knitting needles to hand ...

So, a Simon & Kristina final. I don't like either of them (Simon a bit nice but dim, also a bit of a scary stalker when it comes to his encyclopedic Amstrad knowledge and Kristina's 'how dare you call me a feminist' reaction has never endeared me to her, nor the fact she is a professional pill pusher). But hey it beats the carp out of the racist-blonds fest over on C4.

la la la la la la la I'm not listening la la la la la

Abosolutley nothing happened in the world of reality teevee last night except the Apprentice, in which Naomi got fired. It was the seller-vision challenge again and unlike last time they all made a complete arse of it. They were all dreadful at selling on teevee. By rights Kristina should've been sacked for the shocking job she did with the vacuum cleaner thingy. Simon should've been sacked for general Simon-ness and complete ineptitude in the face of a crisis. But yes I have to agree Naomi deserved it too. Wtf was she thinking, decoupage sticky buds? Oh and Katie. Well bite my @rse and call me Mavis, for I am apparantly her ideal customer for crapoloa vacuum cleaners, having as I do a large bust and a fondness for knitting. Yes and you know just where I'm going to stick my sharp pointy sticks don't you Ms Hopkins?

news round up

I forgot to watch Project Runway last night so don't know if Ugly Betty's nephew is still in.

Asia won Search for the next Pussycat Doll hurrah she beat nasty Melissa. Robyn said all 3 finalists were 'in touch with their inner Pussycat Doll'. As they seem to have spend most of the series forgetting to put their clothes on on top of their undies before going on stage, I fear we are all in danger of bing in touch with the finalists' inner pussycat dolls.

And talking of pussycats (heh did you see what I did there), George Galloway is reported to be the new BBBM presenter. This news makes me very happy, as it will help me stay away from the whole sordid BB8 mess this summer. Even better, Chris "where's the off button?" Moyles is going to be doing it later in the series. No BBBM for me this year.

Meanwhile, tabloids say:
YOU'RE SIRED! Apprentice blonde's passion for married man
Apprentice' star Tre advised to cheer up taking advice from Syed would be such a great career move

and big brother news is everywhere, but I can't be arsed.

Speaking of mad googly eyes ...

nearlyl forgot to post this from Charlie Brooker's screen burn

Speaking of mad googly eyes, I'm now obsessed with Katie Hopkins from The Apprentice (Wed, 9pm, BBC1) - the bitchiest, most venomous contestant in the show's history. Apparently played by the old Spitting Image puppet of the Queen, wearing a blonde wig and glowing pale-blue contact lenses, Katie enjoys sticking the knife into her fellow contestants so much, she can't help smiling as she slags them off to camera. I can't help imagining if one of the others accidentally fell down the stairs, and lay at the bottom in a broken-necked comatose heap, she'd stand at the top grinning like a carnival mask and frantically rubbing her mimsy till the ambulance arrived. There's something unholy about her, like a possessed Ermintrude. Lord help Sir Alan if he finally decides to fire her. Her head'll start revolving and spewing green vomit. Here's hoping Nick Hewer carries a crucifix in his pocket.

Qu'es-ce que c'est le 'mimsy'?

different for girls?

becuase of the foopball I only turned over to the Apprentice in time for the boardroom, to see Jadine getting evicted fired. No idea if she deserved it but sad to see her go, I liked her. Also glad Tre stayed. He should've taken poshSimon in with him so poshSimon could get pushed hah. Then turned over for You're Fired, glad to see the Great British Public is going to hunt Katie down and kill her, not so glad to see Jadine turning up with ironed hair and a petticoat on, apparantly decided to try out for the UK version of Search for the Next Pussycat Doll. And even less glad to hear the businessman on the You're Fired panel being patroninsing about women in business missing their kiddies. Yeah cos it's not like mens ever miss their kiddies is it.

Big Brother news: as the whole world knows by now, C4 and Enditol have been told off in a very stern voice over Shilpagate. I find the suggestion they might be forced to show Jade allegedly reciting an allegedly racist alleged limerick. Perhaps she could go back into hiding and maybe safe-house share with Katie?

Big Bro starts all over again next Weds. Say goodbye to your summer, indeed. I may have to go and spend a few weeks in a tent to avoid temptation.

Apprenti-bulletin

Ghazal = sacked
Simon = tw*t
Kristina = evil
Katie = must die
Lohit = who?

vive le guilloitine!

Like any good leftie, I maintain a mental 'first against the wall come the glorious day' list, and after last night's Apprentice Katie has been promoted to the top of it. Yes Adam was rubbish and deserved to get fired, as he spent the whole day in 'startled rabbit' mode but Katie's comments about northerners were astonishing. I know a lot of it's in the edit with all these shows but if you don't say it they can't edit it in. She is still the most crashingly arrogant snob it has been my misfortune to see on my telly box since the Fishing Party. I think perhaps she thinks she's being ironic and/or funny, but as Prince Harry's choice of fancy dress has already shown, there is a massive humour gap between braying upper class twats and the rest of us. I wonder when she's going to tell us what she thinks of jumped up cockney barrow boys and whether Sir A will be amused? I have my knitting needles at the ready.

I had high hopes of Jadine at the beginning, things have gone quiet on the Jadine front lately which is hopefully a good sign that she'll come to the fore later on. I also like Tre. He's my kind of arrogant git (ie not posh and not sneering). Disappionted in Ghazal, she's a bit poor. At the start of the series Sir A warned them not to come out with the 'I'm like you Sir A, I'm just a poor boy from a poor family' line; now I think he should also warn them off the 'give me a chance Sir A, make me team leader line'. Someome spouts that in the board room every week.

Apprentice rules question: are they banned from looking stuff up on t'internet on their blackberries? That can be the only explanation for why no-one googled 'nigella seeds'.

the Lord will provide

I do wish Graham Norton would stop talking in reverential tones about "The Lord". Whenever he does it I assume it's a God reference, not such an absurd thought given that Joseph is a bible story and the last time Graham was funny was as Father Noel. But no, he is referring to much more important person than than, he's referring to Andrew LW himself.

Rubbish Gerri was unsurprisingly fired from the Apprentice this week. But stand by for another "do these people not watch the show?" moment as the girls (some of) decide to raise money by sellng themselves on the street kisses in pubs. Yeah that's a good way to promote the role of women in business and we know from previous series how much Sir A likes business women getting their tits oot. Jadine (yay) was one of the dissenters who didn't want to pimp her sisters, while Kristina looked appalled at the accusation of being a feminist, and nice poshos Kate and Paul got soppy.

Deadline had a double sacking last week, maybe they will mirror the apprentice again with a blossoming romance this?

not the Apprentice

Deadline, tis not the Apprentice but is still good value. It has the same attraction as the Apprentice, ie you get to hate every single contestant every single week, they are all vile. Aaargh when they say "eek I can't pap people, I hate paps" yeah like who knew you'd be expected to pap slebs? How bizarre that working on a sleb magazine run by annoying hair-don't 'king of the paps' and a Daily Star hack would be more Heat than Newsnight. JSP is very scary, her face has been moulded out of plastic. And a big Hurrah for ITV Play, since the phone in scandal it has turned into ITV2+1 so you don't have to miss any Deadline while watching You're Fired on a Wed.

My not-gay son is now a big fan of the weekly Andrew LW advertorial that is Joseph. I am scared that we might have to go and see the flippin' show (on which I am word perfect, we did a performance of it at school).

The Apprentice of course rocks. Hurrah for Rory getting fired last week, I always particularly enjoy the posh ones getting shafted. Ifti had to go, too. I am liking Tre in a panto-villain way (and he does seem to do some work and get stuff done). I hope The Boring One doesn't win this year, whoever that may be (see "Saira was robbed by Tim" and "The Badger was robbed by Michelle"). So far Jadine is being shown as this year's "feisty woman who will get slagged off for being a pushy ball busting bitch" but tis early days yet.

Here we go...

A London Olympics hopeful, a bankrupt entrepreneur and a quantum physicist are among the fresh batch of contestants vying for a job with tycoon Sir Alan Sugar.

From this is London.

Predictably I'm quite interested in

Natalie Wood, 29, who recently lost six stone on a WeightWatchers diet.

Also I'm amused she's called Natalie Wood.

SirAlan is still moaning on about people not being on the apprentice to become tv stars... umm it's a tv programme and now it's on BBC1 there will be even more tabloid interest plus the last one you chose you sacked or something. It's quite a lot about becoming famous-ish now I'd say.

10 days to go

WEDNESDAY 28 MARCH
Documentary
New series
The Apprentice
9:00pm - 10:00pm
BBC1

Woo and a hoo.

In other busy reality tv news

Monika didn't win project catwalk BOO we shall miss you Monika Patrycja Rene.

Tara won celeb FA WOO.

Some sports bloke won DOI I have no opinion.

I am muchly liking castaway I may be the only viewer.