The morning after

A FRIEND of former Tatton MP Neil Hamilton is among the 13 housemates spending their first full day in the Big Brother House today.

Spencer from BB3 isn't watching.

Maxwell early fave with the bookies. (yuck)

Watch Science's film (if you must).

Lesley popping out.

E4 have sorted out the live streaming it is now on if you press the red button on E4. I'm watching, they have overspent by £35 on the shopping budget! They are shouting just get rid of the fish fingers which is upsetting (appliance of) Science.

Meet the housemates

In The Sun



Why do you think your fellow housemates will nominate you?

Kemal - For being too loud, confrontational and for bitching.

Mary - Because I’m too spooky and witchy, I like to talk too deeply and have too many conspiracy theories and I’m too analytical.

Breaking news...Makosi = virgin.

Drunken first impressions

Derek - Nice but Tory so evil
Lesley - Poor Lesley with her naughty nurse outfit will be torn apart by BB fans and tabloids no doubt
Sam - Bland
Maxwell - Southern lad
Vanessa - The female Marco well she sounds like him
Anthony - Booed on the way in
Roberto - Lovely
Mikosi - Nice dress and the unlucky 13th housemate
Craig - Thinks he is bitchy...whatever!
Mary - Can't open doors ha ha
Science - Like Sam has not made an impression on me yet
Saskia - 'Not racist' hmm
Kemal - Love him

Also Lesley at Face Party.

you know you're getting old when ...

... you find yourself thinking how much betterer the HMs were in ye goode olde dayes, not a bunch of sex-obsessed wannabe freaks like this year's lot.

At least the freeview box is working now so I can spend hours and hours finding out just how much I dislike them all.

Liking Kemal of course, in belly dancer solidarity. Also Roberto maybe? And Science from da ghetto innit. I am transferring my theory about Vic from last year to him¹. I do of course reserve the right to change my mind on a whim.

Half an hour in the house and they're in their swimming keks already. And talking about knickers. Tsk.



1. Clazza's Vic theory states that in a reverse of the situation of Phillip from Rising Damp (said he was son of a prince, turned out to be from Huddersfield), Vic would be revealed to be not a downtrodden ghetto escapee but the son of a Prince.

Trin's BB thoughts

ok 1st thoughts of the thirteen.

Makosi. cardiac nurse? what with animals? and what was that bit of cloth she had wrapped round her middle. Umm the nomination thing? (she has to get most votes from the HM's to be safe from Nominations) she didn't get it at all.
Kemal. Sorry but Clazza beats him hands down for the belly dancing
Sam. Dull
Derrick. Love it. Maggie Thatcher his idol. Ah bless his tortured soul
Leslaaaay. Get that fecking pvc Ann Summer outfit off. Slapper.
Maxwell. Blergh
Anthony. Eyecandy
Craig. If he isn't gay than I'm Ghandi. A bitch
Mary. Abducted by aliens 7 times. Lets hope they take her again this week
Roberto. Cute Vain lush accent
Vanessa. Bad hair
Science. yesssssss the name says it all
Saskia. Are they real?

The house looks cool. I hate the kissy huggy beginning bit. The unlucky bad bit wasn't bad at all. I want to see Mary and Craig share a bed.
The biggest laugh was Kemal with the scarf "Work with me scarf...come on" I've a feeling he'll grow on me.

all set

Cava ... check
Selection of nuts ... check
Laptop ... check
Freeview box ... check AAAAAAAAARGH stoooooooooopid yoof at argos, instead of giving me 3 scart lead and 1 3-way scart adaptor, he gave me 4 feckin 3-way adaptors! GAH!

E4!

It's on freeview! Woo hoo I have it. I'm watching it right now. My first BB with E4! WOO! HOO! I've seen auditions and best bits yay. The first thing I saw on E4 was Alex Sibley naked holding his bits. Eww.

Super BB

Clazza, Tickle was bad. Just admit it. I read there is a naughty step outside the BB house ha ha. I really hope this series is GOOD. I'm just planning my food for the evening. E4 hasn't turned up in my freeview channel list yet but E4 +1 is there but just showing ads for E4. Come on E4 I'm waiting for you.

get the cava in

9 o'clock tonight. Whay hay. There goes my life for the next 10 weeks (or is it 11?).

Today's BB6 news:

BBC:
"Eleven of the housemates are single, two are gay and two are bisexual. Three of them were born outside the UK. One had a "high-profile occupation", another was in the Parachute Regiment, while a third used to be a professional windsurfer and basketball player."

S*n: Big Bruv's gnome guard:
"BIG Brother 6 kicks off tonight with 27 GNOMES guarding the house — one fitted with a spy camera. .... Show bosses are dotting the plaster characters round the garden to replace the chickens the Big Bruv wannabes normally have to look after. Among the collection of colourful little statues there is a gay, a fisherman, a female and two that float in the plunge pool."
A gay? A gay what? What does a gay gnome look like?

Sky: Brian The Best Housemate: Big Brother 2 winner Brian Dowling is your favourite housemate of all time. Last year's transsexual winner, Nadia, came in second and dipsy Jade third in the poll on the BB site. But Melanie Hill, touted as the great beauty of the inaugural BB - and the model for the very first eye logo - came last out of all 62 housemates. Bah. Was he feck the best HM ever. Go Tickle, Go Tickle, Go Tickle

And the winner is.........

Well the Farm is on but I'm tired and frankly not interested in seeing the Green Duck win. How can the duck win? Is there no God?
The Wurzels are on at the moment. A few years back (fair few years) I was on holiday with my mate Gill and we went to a Wurzels show. Not my scene at all but Gill liked them. Infact they liked Gill and she invited them back with us where they stayed most of the night and drank all our alcohol...Bloody hell they looked old then. Now they're ancient.
Mind I've always gone for the older man :P
Flav is muttering some crap as per normal. He's saying "Mister Cow I'm Mister cow".
Then I realise the linguistical expert is in fact saying "I miss the cows".
Yep Trin was right. The fecking Duck is the best farmer. Now I have to go have a colonic irrigation to purge my body of that crap.
Goodnight my fair weather mates
xxx

Housemate 13

The unlucky one.

Thirteen contestants will enter the house on Friday evening and the producers have added several twists in a bid to keep the programme fresh.

The house will be transparent so the contestants will feel more "claustrophobic" and the showers will be outside.

"The house will feel very different to any previous house and more than ever this year there really is nowhere to hide," said Commissioning Editor Angela Jain.

The producers also said the 13th person would be the "unluckiest housemate ever".

getting warmed up

OMG it's tomorrow, BB6 starts tomorrow, whooooo hoooooo!! I'm laying in the traditional cava-'n'-pistachios in abundance. Getting myself warmed up nicely with the beeb's "Test your knowlege of Big Brother" quiz. I'm gutted I only got 9 out 10. Fancy not remembering who broke the World Sweetcorn Kernel-Eating record, shame on me.

Good bye Ron and Emma B

Looking like a scene from Sesame Street must be a new experience for porn star Ron Jeremy. Yet here he is with that bloody green duck, apparently having a conversation. Bless.
Ron and Emma B were evicted tonight in a double eviction surprise by Channel 5. I have no idea why they do that because they seem to get rid of all the good characters at once.
Now were left with Keith with hand up a ducks bum, Emma Noble minus her village of the damned twin, Mikey (no idea who is is) and Dave (ex bf of Jessie Wallace) I think Keith has it all sewn up personally. Anyways I bid a sad farewell to Ron. I actually quite liked him. He was real (if a bit sticky bless)
No Love Island news tonight. The Liverpool game overran. There are some lucky breaks in life after all.
(some of the footballers are hot you know!)

Next up: Soccer Idol

Reality TV to help find Chelsea a star

Chelsea Football Club hope to unearth the next John Terry, Joe Cole or Frank Lampard by conducting a Pop Idol-style nationwide search for a teenage unknown.

Bah, these people have no imagination. Footballers' Wives Idol (aka: I'm a Slapper, Get Me Into There), that's the show they should make. That could do for ITV what Celebrity Love Island isn't.

Farmageddon again

Two out tonight between Emma B, Ron and Orville the duck. Then tomorrow is the final (finishing just in time for BB6). I don't know who is going to win at all. One of them or Mikey, Dave or the other Emma. I can only imagine Mikey out of the last three winning. But then Jeff Brazier did win it last time.

Popular

It wasn't even me searching for Celebrity Love Island (full name in case google is watching).

so close now ....

Big Brother 6 - News of the house

A transparent house will greet contestants on the sixth series of hit reality show Big Brother.

Channel 4 hopes the house will feel more "claustrophobic" than previous years because contestants will have nowhere to hide from each other.

It features transparent walls, outside showers and a transparent dining table.

Outside showers yawn. I am not interested in seeing people in the shower, it is not interesting. Except when they turned the water cold on Victor, that was funny.

and more house news from Digispy:

exec producer Sharon Powers has also revealed that new heat-detecting cameras have been installed in order to spy on the housemates beneath the sheets. To boot, the new dining table is transparent to prevent a repeat of last year's hidden tryst between Stuart and Michelle. ... The bedroom - which contains two double beds and nine singles - is separated from the dining area by a transparent wall, accessible at Big Brother's discretion.

and will there be transparent tablecloths too? D'oh.

More frolicking on the farm than the island....WTF?

Carefree with wellies on. Who needs sand sea sangria and Paul Danan to find love?
Tonight's Love Island was unreportable. Nothing at all happened. I think someone may have applied suntan lotion to some body part. I think they're all still breathing but apart from that zilch.

The farm ploughs on like some rusty combine Harvester. Emma B, Keith and Ron are up for nomination (does anyone actually vote?) I hope Ron doesn't go. He provides me with minutes of endless fun.
Oh dear Ron is injecting a piglet now. Not like that you filthy minded readers tsk. Oh they're so cute. Maybe Celeb Love Island needs some piglets apart from Paul?
Keith is now undressed, I'm deeply shocked as I realise he does have two arms and wears a thong. He has quite decent buttocks for an old guy with a duck.
Ron is stripped to his boxers. He's now relaxing in a bath full of red rosebuds. He falls asleep much to the amusement of Mr Thong (I'll never be able to look at him in the same way again)
They have decorated Ron (snoring like a baby) with rosebuds covering his skin. My God after the tedious Love Island...This was entertainment.
Don't forget Ron has a documentary on his porn days on TV now. Can't wait....... :/
(reported for you by Trin with no regard for her own sanity)

The Disturbing Farm

Why are we watching a TV show with this line up? I'm not sure which is more disturbing, the Green Duck in Tarton or the Village of the damned twins. Note Keiths eyes are one way and Orvilles the other. How does that man do that? It's the twilight Zone all over again. This is such a hugely disturbing picture, strictly for the over 21's.

Ok guys. I know he was a porn star but that tee-shirt? like WTF? and why the plastic gloves.
Oh God not again.
Have you ever noticed that if you take away the G and S from the word Gloves you get Love? No? Oh ok then. Obviously just a Trin thing. Anyone think he bears a stark resemblance to Celebrity BB's Jackie Stallone?

Celebrity fat Island

Yes Jude was right, we have just tediously watched the well fed celebs be weighed. To some rather dramatic jungle music. Did you all hold your breaths as the minor celebs were weighed? Well now you can breath again. Actually I felt a little sympathy for Liz. Despite everything, it is a big deal to have your weight read out on national TV. And how Michael Greco was shocked when he found out he'd out on weight. FFS Mike, your sat around a pool all day and eat everything and drink loads. What do you expect?
Personally I can't wait to sit round Clarrie's pool next week and be waited on.... ;P
I simply cannot stand those twats of presenters, especially Kelly Brook. What does she think she looks like in those 40's frocks. And that hair? Some Madonna's Evita revamp or something?
And yessss I finally spotted the famous Rebecca Loos moustache. Worse than BB5's Nadia.
God someone give me some paint to watch dry.

I like this

'Love Island' presenters in bitter feud

Celebrity Love Island hosts Patrick Kielty and Kelly Brook are feuding because Kielty informed viewers that Kelly used to date Paul Danan, a contestant on the reality series.

Eww. I think he may win, he is so stupid I can not believe the things he says. He is reality tv gold.

Someone hit him one more time please

My recording of Hit Me Baby One More Time was completely fecked up and I recorded the grand total of two songs. But Shakin Stevens won and that made me very annoyed. Apart from being totally rubbish and having no personality he also has a greatest hits being advertised on tv and sold out the Shepherds Bush Empire (capacity 2,000) recently (apparently). He obviously has a large fan base still and was always going to win. FIX!!!! I'm bitter on behalf of Tiffany.

what the papers say

well, what the gruaniad says about Sleb Love Island anyways

TV's Love Island sinks in apathy

Ratings plummet for ITV reality show lambasted by the critics, as viewers find that watching yet more minor celebrities is a real turn-off

reality tv shockers:

Did ITV controller Nigel Pickard have second sight over the beastly tabloid response to Celebrity Love Island? Monkey only asks after Pickard took a short break in the US before heading to the LA screenings, thereby missing all the nasty red-top headlines. .... The producer of Celebrity Love Island, Natalka Znak, thinks the half-hour evening shows should be longer and has identified the culprit. "There's the news at 10.30," she said last week, "that's the problem".

What's wrong with Celebrity Love Island?

... one could start with the presenting team and work forwards. Poor Patrick Kielty looks like a young priest paying a pastoral visit to Spearmint Rhino - his bonhomie veneered over despair, distaste and mounting disillusion. Beside him is the unaccountably dreadful Kelly Brook who takes her style, spontaneity, reactivity and wit from the performance of Madonna in Shanghai Surprise ... The highlight has been Abi Titmuss correctly spelling "inconsequential" - arguably the finest postmodern joke yet cracked on TV. Celebrity Spelling could be a much more profitable avenue to explore ...

if you thought SLI was bad ...

The suggestion that Celebrity Love Island is the dumbest show ITV will ever make is surely premature if this appeal for a new ITV1 talent show, hosted by Joe Pasquale and coincidentally also made by Granada, is anything to go by.

Hah I have held out against the evul lure of SLI & The Farm and kept myself pure for The One True Reality TV Show. I can't believe it starts this Friday woooooooooooo.

The evilness

I'm watching Celebrity Love Island Live (pause for laughter) they are playing a game it is guess the weight! ARGH. The horror. They are paired up and have to guess the others weight. Abi Titmuss who was called 'porky' (or so I was told) on Richard and Judy last week is 9 stone 8. Wow I wish I was that 'porky'. The prize is a fancy date I think.

In other news...Gem Cem and Gemma were kicked off Strictly Dance Fever! I thought they might be, but a few weeks ago it would of been a big shock if they hadn't won the whole thing. Poor Gem Cem and Gemma we got bored of you, we are a bad general public.

farm shock

Place burns to ground....no that's too hopeful

Lionel and Flav are out. Flav was SURE he was in but not he got the least votes.

So that means folks...yes, you got it. Ron survives to slap the salami once more. Me thinks Channel 5 viewers are sadistically kinky.

Farming for Funnies

Ron Jeremy exhausted after another solid night of masturbation.
His hands need to be soaked in a cocktail of anti bacterial and fungal solution afterwards for at least 3/4 hour.

Straight after the love island comes Channel Five's answer to the Funny Farm. The funny farm being a place where crazy people get together, and channel 5's programme strikingly similar.
Not sure whose the craziest. Keith with his hand up a birds ass all day. Lionel with the mouth of a tourette sufferer. Flav who is scarily unstable and wears hoodies and caps (ban him) and is unbelievably thick. Ron Jeremy, the sex stud whose life of shagging, mirrors in his haggard face.
The Barbie dolls, The two Emma's a bit like the two ronnies without the laughs (and more hair)
Fuck, tonight we have poetry there too. A bit less sugary than the love island crap though but still heavily sickening. Ron's offered to massage anyone.... with those hands ewwww.
So two people are for the chop tonight. You know what would make it more exciting? If the chop was real. How I'd love to see that ducks head guillotined off.

The love Eat In

Fran Cosgrove gets the nickname Buzz Lightyear. Why? Plastic maybe?

Actually I'm feeling a bit sick tonight watching the pampered prima Donnas eat. Whilst millions starve, we see them eating tons and tons of cuisinery eloquent food. And it's fecking served to them!! wtf this isn't fun. Turn the tables and make the bastards have to work to catch and cook their own food. I'd like to see the Slutty Abi Titmuss on her hands and knees searching for food.
Now they're discussing their designer clothes. Yawn.
Fuck, there's no release with the adverts. That sodding Kid robbing a bank advert is on..... Someone shoot me quick.
Now we get to decide which pampered and petted celeb get to have even more luxury and treats in the 'Love Shack'
That Paul is the most repugnant man I have ever seen. I wouldn't want to sit next to him in a pub let alone watch him on TV. He is so slimy and false. All the bare skin has turned him into a huge testosterone boil ready to explode his load all over love island. Rejection after rejection is causing his frustration to mount to the point we may see some bukkake one night.
Feckity feck...We now have poems written by Michael Greco. Nausea Inducing words of overt praise for his fellow Island mates. Total shite. And I just watched it. I need my head read.

Slebs released back in to the wild

I can't compete with Trin's Farm and Sleb Island posts so I will just say Charlene was voted out grr and I have to wait until tomorrow to watch The Lovely Dance Fever People Who I love as Eurovision (yay) is on tonight.

I do wish they'd stop saying they'll have cameras under the duvets in BB this year, talk about gross.

Oh and that Judi thingy left Celeb Island...she was Goldie's girlfriend in Eastenders you know...

It's ok to wank the pigs

Shock horror in 'The Farm' Ron's been caught self pleasuring on several occasions. Emma even found one of his pubic hairs on her bed, and poor Orville found a very sticky magazine in the bathroom bin.
And I thought the picture down below was soap.

Ummm something's a miss here. Maybe they should swap. Call this 'Celeb Love Farm' instead (ok self love island) they prob got a Pot Belly Pig tucked away somewhere as well.

Celeb Sick Island

Tonight's Celeb Love Island was particularly dire. The main excitement seemed to consist of Isabella Hervey having a paddy because she didn't want to play Golf with Michael Greco. He said he hated her.... ooooh such harsh words for a girl who doesn't want to play with his small white balls.
The incredibly shallow and moronic Paul has now decided to go play for Rebecca Loos. Mind she'll shag anything so it was a bit of a laugh to hear her tell him she was into girls (escape artiste?). Mind imagine her panic when he tried to chat her up with these immortal lines.

"You're sexy as fuck," Danan cooed, as the couples legs crossed in the swimming pool.
"Your legs are just perfect, your boobs and your stomach," he whispered alluringly. "I love your little pot belly."

Rebecca's response?

"Gorgeous girls can be with girls, it's just about chemistry."

Right. That's why she shagged Becks no doubt.

And whilst I'm on the subject. Those presenters Patrick and Kelly are so cringingly awful I'd like to stab them and set them in concrete. Anyone know of any bridges being built anywhere?

Reasons not to watch Celeb Love Island

Paul "Have your Boobs grown?" (except he says gwoan because he can't say his R's properly)
Lady Hervey "No"
Paul "Oh they look like they grown in the last 24 hours"
Lady Hervey "No" ( slight hysterical little laugh)
Paul "Oh must be that costume ...wicked"

Groan (mebbe gwoan)

Reasons to Watch The Farm

I cannot believe that Lionel Blair is so mouthy with his swear words. He's like some possessed psychopath. Last night when he went for the girls with the hosepipe , it was pure evil. He meant to douse them until they screamed. He was furious. Why do these celebs go so loopy when they appear on a reality TV show. His interaction with the thick 'Flav' is hilarious. Flav looks and acts as if he is a sandwich short of a picnic. He was milking the cow the other day. Using his hands to milk the teat once into the bucket and once into his own mouth. When told that wasn't advisable he had this look on his face of pure stupidity.
And then there's Ron. A real reason to watch the farm is displayed in the photo below. All I can say is hot hot hot.

Another round up

Strictly dance fever

The lovely Adam (oh and Rebecca) was knocked out of strictly dance fever it was time though. A bit overshadowed by the Nathan's injury to his foot that meant he couldn't dance! Sob. So they were awarded one point from the judges but got through on the viewers vote hurrah. Cem and Gemma were a bit samey this week.

Hit Me Baby One More Time

All I have seen for three weeks is about the first 10 mins of it.

The Farm

Lionel v Flav is amusing, I never thought I'd hear Lionel Blair swearing at Flavor Flav.

Celebrity Love Island

Hmm I may need to see tonights before any judgement. They all do seem to be behaving like 7 year olds though. It is very tacky and does seem to be on at the wrong time, it is more of a 11pm ITV show.

Big Brother

I don't think freeview is getting 24/7 streaming, oh well at least we will have the live bits from E4.

BB6 rumours

SundayMirror

BIG Brother bosses have devised their most dastardly plot yet - conning 12 contestants into thinking they have been picked for the show.

The evil plan involves two teams of housemates - one a "dummy dozen" and the other for real. Neither will know the other exists.

While the "dummies" are ushered into the BB house after packing their suitcases and saying tearful goodbyes to families and friends, the real ones will be shown into another part of the building.
...
The Channel 4 insider said: "We've picked the most ludicrous medley of misfits ever, including three beautiful maneaters. We want the craziest, raunchiest show in British TV history - I think these guys guarantee it."
....
for the first time in the show's history, housemates can also win individual prize money. Each housemate is given a £5,000 fund when they first walk through the doors. They get another £5,000 for each week they survive.

However, if they get evicted, they have to give half their total winnings to a surviving housemate. After two months, they can bank all their prize money and keep it, even if evicted. The Big Brother winner will walk away with £75,000.

Celebrity Love Island Dog Watch

I can not wait to see if Celebrity Love Island will be a large FLOP like Celebrity Wrestling was. Poor ITV ha ha, they must be worried. I am concerned about Jayne Middlemiss though, has it really come to this? I wonder how long Lady Isabella Hervey will last and will her doggy Clio be with her (like on The Games)?

please hide my remote control

Celebrity Love Island starts tomorrow. This could be Very Bad Indeed. No, wait. This could have been Very Bad Indeed but fortunately ITV have put in place a deterrent device that will prevent me from watching, by employing the world's most annoying man as presenter. He brings me out in hives, so I shan't need to waste my life on this show huurah.

Charlene stays on The Farm

Yay Charlene/Lucy Ewing from Dallas stays. The poor thing had to help with putting the pigs 'together' though, eww. I much prefer it when they are having toy pig throwing competitions to the actual farm stuff, especially when it involves attempts to get pigs pregnant.

First Farm Vote

V



Cicciolina had the most votes and had to choose a fellow nominee, she voted Charlene which means Cicciolina must go. I like Charlene. Flavor Flav has had an anti gay rant the stupid feck.

I'm a well meaning gruaniad reader, get her out of her

If you only read one reality tv news story today, make sure it's this one: Saira Khan sells the Guardian

"Ladies and Gentlemen, put those free Metros down and come and buy the Guardian from me. Alan Sugar didn't give me a job, so I'm selling the Guardian, the best paper in the country. Don't look at me as if I'm a mad woman, I'm a saleswoman. You're smiling, that means you know me. I'm Saira from The Apprentice. The gentleman in the pinstripe suite is going to buy a copy, you're very dapper, sir. I'm doing my job with passion and commitment, I'm the best salesperson in the country. Would you like two copies sir? That will be £1.20. Don't look at me like that, I'm a national institution. And I'm selling the best newspaper in the country. It's a good read, I'm in it today. Next time? There's not going to be a next time, this is not my career you know. I wonder if the two Chinese people would like one ..."

the kerrazee world of reality tv

a round-up

Strictly Shakespeare: Following the success of a string of TV talent shows, a new series will seek to find a new playwright who will get his or her West End debut.

Strictly Celibate: In 'The Monastery' - which most resembles The Apprentice reimagined as The Novice - a quintet of civilian men attempt to live by the rule of St Benedict at Worth Abbey in Sussex, checking their lip, will, ego and libido at the door. - started tonight on BBC2

Pimp My Reality TV Show: Endemol UK seeks mechanics for new garage reality TV series ... The producers say they will be particularly drawn to people with additional interests and ‘petrol head’ passions, whether it be customising cars, hot rod conversion, or classic car restoration.

Vernon does Vegas: NBC has added a new alternative series to its summer 2005 lineup with "Hit Me Baby One More Time," ... All three episodes of the series will be hosted by Vernon Kay

wanna be on tee vee?

Big Brother is looking for 1,000 people to take part in a unique event on Wednesday 11th May 2005 at a secret venue in the East End of London.

If you are selected, you'll be part of the filming of a Big Brother TV commercial to be broadcast on Channel 4 from Friday 13th May, and you'll have a chance to share in over £100,000 worth of prizes.

To be part of the Event you will need to be:
- 18 or over
- Available on Wednesday 11th May between 11am and 3pm
- Able, independently, to get to and from the East End of London - there will be no parking available at the location so it is advisable to come on foot

For a chance to be part of this exciting event text:

'bbevent' to 81125 before noon Tuesday 10th May


Big Brother Event linkey

cheap pink wafers all round

More Post-Apprentice news:

Tim can afford another baybee now aww bless

Most women whose fiance's salary has just rocketed to &L&100,000 overnight would probably splurge on diamonds, designer clothes and exotic holidays. But not Jasmine. She will still rummage through market stalls for bargains and scour TK Maxx for clothes. Because what she really wants to spend the money on is a little brother or sister for three-year-old Kayla.

actually if it was me I wouldn't have the diamonds or the baybee, I'd have a new bike.

Saira's husband speaks to the Mirror

Saira speaks to the Torygraph

"Making money is what matters," she said at one point, with all the charm of a self-adhesive shoulder pad. "End. Of. Story." .... "Overall, I think I came across on television as a gutsy, ballsy woman which is either a good thing if you look up to that," she says breathlessly, "or a bad thing if you feel threatened by it."
...
[Saira & Mr Saira] met in 2002 while they were both working for United Biscuits. "We told each other what sort of biscuit we thought we would be. I said that he was like a Boaster, a very expensive, premium chocolate-chip biscuit. He said I was like a Happy Shopper pink wafer biscuit, because everyone loves them and they're reliable."

She laughs just as loudly as she speaks, in a prolonged series of enthusiastic squawks. "Yeah, I was a bit offended!" Luckily, there appears to be a high demand in the business world for cheap pink wafers, and Saira is now being inundated with job offers

charming I'm sure

The Farm contestants

Oh my. Flavor Flav from Public Enemy, Keith Harris and Orville (Orville has a tiny bed!), Emma Noble, Emma B, Ron Jeremy, Mikey Green from Phixx (from Popstars The Rivals show), Charlene Tilton (Dallas), Ciccolina (Italian porn star turned MP and subject of the 'Pop Will Eat Itself' song called Ciccolina), Lionel Blair and Kat from Eastenders ex! I liked it when Flavor Flav asked him what he did and he said 'I used to go out with a soap star'. HA.

Oh and I saw my first BB6 trail tonight. Yay.

The Farm starts tonight

Yes this will tide me over nicely until Big Brother 6. Rumoured people on it - Eastenders star Jessie Wallace's ex-fiancé Dave Morgan, Toyah, Andy Scott Lee (ex boyband and failed pop idoler), Lionel Blair, Ron Jeremy, Emma B (yes her again, a model apparently) and Emma Noble (used to be married to John Major's son and was in Crossroads).

Saturday round up - Paul and Natasha the 50s/40s throwbacks were kicked out of Strictly Dance Fever (about time).



On Hit me Baby...Chesney Hawkes won. Predictable.

3 weeks to go until Big Brother 6!

Rumours are about of another swap for our BB, mainly as BB Australia is on at the same time and the housemates there are bringing passports. Also BB Oz might have a plant (yes that old one, the one we suspect every year). Norway and Sweden's BB have the bedsit! I'd love the bedsit back but seems unlikely seeing as it ended in the big fight and the police being called. In other BB news...Michelle 'chicken' Bass has had breast implants and is taking over from Abi Titmuss 'presenting' some porn channel or other. Or so it said in Closer mag.

Apprentice Final: from the papers

Gruaniad: After 12-week trial, Sir Alan tells former tube manager: 'You're hired'

Mr Campbell dedicated the win to his mother, who brought the family up after his father walked out when he was one. "My mum was there at the final and she was screaming and crying - I think she was on a bigger rollercoaster than me," he said. "I understand the sacrifices she made when we were growing up and I wanted to repay her."

Times: Apprentice winner gets a £100,000 Sugar daddy

Mr Campbell, 27, will earn £100,000 a year in his new role and plans to spend his first month’s salary on a luxury cruise for his mother, Una. Like his new employer, who was brought up in an East End council house, Mr Campbell grew up in East London. He still lives there, in Stratford, with his fiancée and three-year-old daughter.

BBC Magazine: Key lessons from The Apprentice

"It is a business programme, but realistically, a lot of people will see it as a reality programme because there's an elimination process," [Sir A] tells BBC News. "There is a very serious underlying meaning to each programme - a lot of people are going to learn some great business lessons from it."

The Herald: Winning ticket: nice beats nasty for The Apprentice

The grand final of The Apprentice showed nice triumph over nasty, when the 27-year-old transport manager beat Saira Khan, his abrasive, loud-mouthed opponent, to clinch the £100,000-a-year job with Sir Alan's electronics firm, Amstrad.

And some bloke was drooling over interviewing Miriam on 5Live this morning. She seems to be the business man's pin up de jour. Still can't see it meself.

you can call me [Sir] Al

[transcription of rioja-fuelled jottings]

So, The Apprentice Final. Tim -v- Saira. The task: 3 days to create an 'event' on a boat on the Thames. And they got to chose 3 of the failed apprentices to join their team. Gotta big up Saira for chosing Paul even tho they've had the odd 'full and frank exchange of views' in the past. And all the fans of Miriam's tits will have been happy she made a come back on Tim's team.

Saira fan that I am, I have to admit that she was possibly a little over-obsessed with the bottom line on this task. Yes she got stuff on the cheap but where was the flair? They were meant to have a SoCal/Thelma & Louise/general kind of desert outlaw thang going down, cos of the free booze sponsors. Two words: fire eaters. Ten a penny in Lunnun Town, and very Burning Man.

Tim. FFS. After the Stilton incident, who the feck would put The Lovely Miriam^TM in charge of buying the champers?

Inspite of which, Tim won. As predicted. Not a surprise. Tim was more apprentice material, more mouldable and as Mr Gorgeous Pixie Grrrl observed, sponge like. But bless cos Mrs Tim and Tim's bay-beeee were all proud of him. Awww.

Adele. Bwaahhahahahhahahah. And Miriam. And others. On working in all women teams. Perhaps a little too used to working the 'brains in keks' edge?

Apprentice 2: Bring It On! Tho I draw the line at having the anti-chr!st on my wireless of tomorrow morning just to hear the thoughts of Sir A. Even us reality tv hoors have standards.

Terry crowned King of Hell's Kitchen shocker and Farm news

Poor Kathy Burke Kellie was pipped at the post by Terry. Who'd of thought it? Not me. Oh well I await the start of The Farm which no doubt will be as tasteful as last years.

The programme was a strong ratings performer for Five when it first aired last year with former footballer Stan Collymore and Vanilla Ice as contestants. It reached a peak audience of more than 2.5m.

In November last year, Five was cleared of breaching the broadcasting code after showing 'sleazy seniorita' Rebecca Loos masturbating a boar on the show.

Loos, who became famous after allegations she had an affair with David Beckham, was shown undertaking the task to collect semen from the boar.

Which was nice. Apparently Andy Scott-Lee (yawn) and Toyah Willcox are confirmed and Ron Jeremy the old ugly porno bloke adult movie legend is rumoured.

Saturday's tee vee (no wrestling)

Gary and Sam left Hell's Kitchen last night. Now on to a good programme...

Strictly Dance Fever my fave programme. This weeks dances were the Charleston and the Lambada. Unfortunately Toby and that witch he dances with Casey left. I can believe 30's/40's throwbacks Paul and Natasha are still in it, it was funny at first but the joke is over stop voting for them! I do like them but better dancers are leaving and it is not fair. Cem (pronounced GEM for some odd reason, I think it is anyway) and Gemma were unbelievably good.

CEM and GEMMA danced the Charleston Put A Lid On It. "Fabulous, fantastic, " said Stacey. "It's incredible," said Arlene. "We are all here happy," gushed Luca

"This is exactly what the competition is about and this is what we should be voting for," agreed Jason.

Votes: Arlene: 10 Luca: 10 Stacey: 9 Jason: 9 = 38

You can watch it here it is amazing. Except the clip they have put on the BBC site doesn't show the really good bits. Hmm.

I'm happy that Adam is still in. Lovely Adam striving hard to be all manly in his dance again.

Simon out

Only 4 left in Hell's Kitchen, two more go tonight so we will be left with umm Kellie and someone else (Terry?) Can't wait for Gary to be kicked out the obnoxious git. He has to go, please. Last night there was a host of ex Big Brother contestants in the restaurant, well Kate Lawler of BB3 and Victor of BB5 anyway.

d'oh, forgot to say

bwaahahahahaahahahaah bwzhashahaaahahahahah
teeeee hhhhhheeeeeeeee hheeeeeeeee

for Paul's firing. Almost worth waiting for.

woo it's the dream team for da final!

My 'faves' (ie least disliked) are the two left for next week's final of t'Apprentice - Tim & Saira. I want Saira to win but I think Tim will. Can't wait for grand final yay.

Stein gone

Stein has been kicked out of Hell's Kitchen.

Novelli and the HK Producer’s agreed it was time for Stein to leave after the builder confided to his team-mates: “I was that close to breaking his [JC’s] f*cking nose and nutting him live on television.”

Missing from Hell's Kitchen

On itv2 last night there was only Kellie in the blue kitchen apparently the other two, Stein and Gary (not Rhodes) had stormed off ha.

In the red kitchen Gary Rhodes really is going quite mad. He does seem to be turning into Alan Partridge at times as well.

In other news...freeview is getting E4 in time for Big Brother (hopefully)! I have already posted this in my other blog but I think it needs repeating.

Off Hell's Kitchen

Aaron the non shagger and best chef in his team and Abi the annoying cow. Ha. Aaron looked annoyed and the rest of his team looked amazed. He said he did nothing with Sam but Abi said the rest had heard banging. TMI. Aaron did ask during his itv1 interview to be put in the same hotel as Sam, I don't think the presenter Angus actually makes the hotel arrangements dur.

more weekend tv news

Can't believe our star reporter didn't mention the start of Celebrity Wrestling. My 5 yr old is hooked, tho he did get bored at times - too much talking, not enuff action! Bit of a Gladiators homage if you ask me.

From Sunday's paper, Lynn Barber interviews Sir Alan Sugar

I kept fishing to find out who won [the Apprentice], but with no success. He says he hasn't even told his wife - though I did get a hint that Saira, the brilliant saleswoman, won't survive. In any case, he shows such obvious favouritism to Paul, who, he says, reminds him of himself when young (except that Paul is handsome), he seems determined to keep him, however badly he performs.
...
I don't envy The Apprentice winner who has to work with him, and this, really, is the weakness of the programme. It is intended to make business seem interesting and comprehensible to the general public - an entirely laudable aim - but the world it presents is so cut-throat, joyless and frightening that I imagine most young people will watch it and think if that's what a career in business entails, I want no part of it.

say it ain't so about her Saira/Paul conjecture, but hurrah for the idea that the show could bring about the inevitable crisis in capitalism.

Saturday reality round up

So Caroline got voted out of Hell's Kitchen and now it's everyone up for eviction and one from each team will leave on eviction days (whenever they are).

Oh and Alex and Katie got kicked out of Strictly Dance Fever which was a bad result.

Poor Alex, Moldavia's finest!


Could the lovely Adam's voice get any higher by the way? It seems to be going to Big Brother 5 Marco levels at times since he entered the house.


In Hit Me Baby One More Time Hue and Cry won! A result I will never understand they are so boring.

I watched The Apprentice again I even turned over from Hell's Kitchen on itv3 to watch it last night. I don't know what the interest in Miriam Staley is she seemed quite boring but then I have only seen the last two episodes. Anyway she's out.

News from hell

Yesterdays nominations in hell's kitchen were Gary and Caroline. There is barely a person I like in the show but Gary is annoying and seemed to mutter that his nomination was to shake the programme up! He also said he thought Jean Christophe Novelli was threatened by him as he is also a chef! Somebody loves themselves a bit too much.

Posh Caz and silly Gaz
  

Posh Henry out of hell's kitchen

Simon still in, yay. I hate Kelly/Kellie's voice. I hate Terry and Stein. I hate Abi. I hate Sam. I like the 'celebs' who come to the restaurant though, tonight Timmy Mallet was there and Paul Burrell who had a glitzy suit on (Alexander McQueen apparently sweetie) and one earring in. Oh he's a funny old thing. I like the way the contestants were so excited by this drunk woman saying how great they were, then when she'd finally gone all rushed around going 'who was that'? nobody knew (including me so was obviously not a celeb at all).

I know I'm getting a bit obsessed

and I know that no-one apart from a site owner is ever interested in a site's referrer logs. But. I can't help it, cos Miriam Staley is still the no. 1 search term for this blog. 14 out of the last 20 searches were for her.

Hello to the 'Coach Trip' fans who googled their way here, but I'm afraid the person looking for Mylene in the nud has had a wasted journey.

Hell's Kitchen

Poor Simon up for the first vote in Hell's Kitchen against posh Henry.

My guide to who's who -

Terry - the Geordie pig bloke.

Caroline - the posh older woman.

Gary - the Caribbean cook.

Henry - the posh bloke.

Simon - the camp bloke.

Aaron - looks a bit like Alistair McGowan, fancies Sam.

Stein - southern bald pig bloke.

Kelly - pub cook.

Aby - fancies chef Jean Christophe and spells her name stupidly. Is either a Abby Titmuss or a Shell from Big Brother.

Sam - can't pronounce shitake and reminds me of Becki from Big Brother 5, fancies Aaron.

Strictly Dance Fever

Claire is my fave in Strictly Dance Fever, a programme I thought would be boring. I was very wrong. I am also watching the BBC3 weekday shows each pair have a celeb supporting them, one pair has Bonnie Langford!

In other reality news...what will Hell's Kitchen be like tonight with non celebs and two different chefs? I have no idea...oh quite possibly a bit like the new Masterchef that was on a few weeks ago. Doesn't Gary Rhodes look stupid in that hat in the ads? There will still be celebrity diners and an ITV2 show with Mark Duerden Smith and Nicole (not 'I touched a tree' Natalie) Appleton doing the red carpet reporter Jordan bit from last year.

'f' off Paul

Apprentice Week 9. They had to sell a text service to Spurs fans. Saira's team (Saira, Raj, James) managed to p1ss off the Spurs staff and concentrated on marketing instead of selling. Paul's team (Paul, Miriam, Tim) had all sorts of bright ideas scuppered thanks to Saira p1ssing people off but still managed to sell shed loads more and so won the task (first prize: an evening with Gary Rhodes; second prize: two evenings with ...).

Inspite of Saira being team leader getting the strategy completely wrong and p1ssing off important people, Raj got fired for being a bit of a useless lump. Hah. I do still dislike Saira least of them all. Attitudes to her are a classic example of how things that are OK for men are not acceptable for women. Yeah she's gobby and pushy and bossy. When men do it, it's called being hard nosed business men.

The Coach Trip

The Coach Trip

Can we talk about coach trip? I love it so much. I miss Pasquale though and Tom and Sally and Max.
My favs ATM are Winter and Suki. A pair of 'friends'. I really do think this show is a rival to BB we've had tantrums and tears. The show when Dorothy was kicked off was ace. She was a sulky bitch. Coach Trip is Danz's fav too. I like seeing all the places they go to. The health spa was fabby.
So I'm gonna write about Coach Trip. May not be as cutting edge as Apprentice but it has a bus in it.

Be afraid

Seven weeks until Big Brother starts.

Hit me baby one more time!

It's all about The Tiffany.



Well it was this week anyway. Until Kelly Marie and Nick Heyward are on.

The big list of people taking part -

911 - A Little Bit More
Baccara - Yes Sir, I Can Boogie
Belinda Carlisle - Heaven is a Place on Earth
Boy Meets Girl - Waiting for a Star to Fall
Carol Decker -China in your Hand
Chesney Hawkes - The One and Only
Cutting Crew - I Just Died in your Arms Tonight
Doctor & The Medics - Spirit in the Sky
Gloria Gaynor - I Will Survive
Haddaway - What is Love?
Honeyz - Finally Found
Howard Jones - What is Love?
Jaki Graham - Set Me Free
Junior - Mama Used to Say
Kelly Marie - Feels Like I'm in Love
Kenny Thomas - Thinking About Your Love
Limahl - Too Shy
Mica Paris - Like Dreamers Do
Nathan Moore (Brother Beyond) - The Harder I Try
Nick Heyward - Love Plus One
Princess - Say I'm Your Number One
Rozalla - Everybody's Free (To Feel Good)
Shakin' Stevens - This Ole House
Sinitta - So Macho
Sybil - The Love I Lost
The Real Thing - You To Me Are Everything
Tiffany - I Think We're Alone Now

t'apprentice, week 7

Once again I missed the first half. Tsk my family are so inconsiderate. Anyways, the task was to schmooze slebs into giving them stuff for a charidee auction. James's team (James, Saira, Sebastian and Raj) did bobbins and lost. Ben's team (Ben, Miriam, Paul and Tim) did way better. Most of them made me feel slightly naseous with their wheedling and schmoozing, but James's team were just too polite for their own good. Sebastian got fired for being too much of a 'cartier and rolls royce' chap.

"Miriam Staley" is now the most popular search term for this blog - 19 of the last 20 visitors came here googling her. If that's you Miriam, give us a wave.

Jonathon has gone

Jonathon has quit The Games and is replaced by Danny ex of Hearsay.

Monday at The Games

Ha. Jonathon may have walked or not...he's had a strop anyway. Yay.

Phillip didn't win the vault, shocker! Kevin won it and Craig was injured after the sumo so did not take part. Mel was very good at the gymnastics, but Kirsty won again.

Poor Mel

Being disqualified from the hurdles. I am outraged.

The Games

I'm backing Mel (of Mel and Sue) and Phillip (Tinhead from Brookside). Clazza seems to be backing Chesney but she may have been drinking ha. I'm very annoyed with channel 4 for not having an extra 'back at the house' type show, they had one the last time it was on. Yes I am sad enough to want to watch them eating nibbles and watching their performances.


The lovely Mel.

I expect there will be lots of pictures of the boys at the famous males forums.

The Games official site.

super fan?

Miriam (off t'Aprentice) sure must have a lot of fans. Or one very devoted fan. Someone's very interested in her anyways, to turn up here by googling for her over a dozen times in the past 24 hours, making it our second most popular search term. No way would she be googling for herself over and over. Must be her fan club. /me googles "miriam staley fan club".

suitcases again

That's more like it. The gurls on Make Me A Super Model could not get their mountains of Stuff in their bags. Only watched the end of 1 show, but it doesn't seem a patch on America's Next Top Model. Perhaps because they don't take it so ludicriously seriously, and Rachel can't emote like Tyra.

first up, to clear up an error in the last post. Adele was not fired. She resigned. And thus avoided the firing Alan Sugar had said he was going to give her. Boo. He should've said 'you're fired' anyway.

Right now onto this week's show. Which I missed most of due to having to run a computer help desk for my parents. Task was to sell art, team who sells most art wins. First Forte led by Sebastian won their first task hurrah. Impact led by Rachel lost their first task hurrah, Rachel took Paul and Matthew into the board room with her. Much to Paul's disgust, as he made completely clear by throwing a tantrum and bitching about women in business. Particularly Saira. Meanwhile Matthew tried to get him to agree to some cunning plot to stitch up Rachel. Paul showed himself up for the twunt he is, but Matthew got fired. Hah bye bye Tory Boy.

Most importantly: are we supposed to believe that the suitcases they take with them to the boardroom on firing days contain absolutely everything they have brought with them to the show? I don't believe Paul's personal grooming products would fit in one of the teeny cases shown, let alone his 'sharp' suits.

t'apprentice

well so I should've posted this last week but still, even a few days late it's great to post that Adele got fired! Fuggin' ace.

Their task was to sell stuff in Harrods. Tim's team stayed up half the night deciding on their mission statement and then creating a power point presentation on it. For one day's selling stuff in a shop. FFS. Adele was as bad as ever, glad to see the back of her. As for her smug self satisfied face even after she got fired .... grrrrrrr.

I've written down 'Sack James!' but I can't remember specifically why. Obv I am looking forward to each of them being sacked and am only disappointed that one of them gets a job instead of the sack at the end of the series.

Meanwhile, the Apprentice USA is going to be a musical. Gosh.

Edith wins yay

WOO. Ade was out first, then Edith got more votes than Kim. HURRAH.

YAY

Etc.

The final

Last night Reggie was out ha. He was rubbish. I'm voting for Edith to win tonight, as Kim is a bit boring and Ade a bit...well he can't sing can he? May miss the final as it is in the middle of all the comic relief hours and hours tonight. Which is rubbish why can't they just have a proper time for it?

Boo

Debra out. I am very annoyed with Edith for voting out Dawn, then Debra instead of rubbish Reggie. Reggie is rubbish.

Ooh the students are backing McFly tonight.

Maybe Jools Holland will be on tomorrow.

Dawn out

Poor Dawn, Reggie should have been out. Rubbish Reggie.

Jools Holland is going to accompany the students with his band I heard from the live streaming.

Also on the streaming between the shows tonight was Edith calling judge Craig 'a dick' ha and lots of amusing chat. Live streaming between the BBC1 shows is the best.

Monday the result

Ooh a birthday treat as Nick is out! YAY! Thank god for that. He seemed ok as a person (especially when singing Radiohead songs) but he had the most rubbish voice. WOO he has gone.

Song rehearsals for Monday night

Debra - I believe in you, Kylie (good)

Dawn - Don't it make my brown eyes blue, Crystal Gayle (ok ish)

Nick - Left outside alone, Anastasia (HIDEOUS)

Edith - Bridge over troubled water Simon and Garfunkel (good)

The women girls are also singing with Lemar.

Reggie seems to have red hair.

I think Ade is doing The Osmonds.

Sleb FA Betting News

from readaBet.com:

Kim Medcalf 15/8
Edith Bowman 5/2
Adrian Edmondson 11/4
Debra Stephenson 10/1
Dawn Steele 20/1

Adrian Edmondson continues to fight his way through the field in Celebrity Fame Academy and is now William Hill's 3/1 third favourite to win the show.

Bets taken include one from a shrewd customer who stands to pick up a cheque for £1800 after placing a £200 bet on him at 8/1. Conversely, disappointing performances by Debra Stephenson and Dawn Steele have seen them drift in the betting and Dawn who was as short as 3/1 is now available at 20/1.

"We are now left with the genuine contenders for the title and the betting suggests a three horse race between the 13/8 favourite Edith Bowman, Kim Medcalf and Adrian Edmondson. But if you are looking for some value you could do a lot worse than Dawn Steele at 20/1." said Hills spokesman Rupert Adams

Hills Latest Fame Academy Prices: 13/8 Edith Bowman, 7/4 Kim Medcalf, 3/1 Adrian Edmondson, 6/1 Debra Stephenson, 20/1 Dawn Steele, 33/1 Nick Knowles, 50/1 Reggie Yates.

who are these people?

who is voting for Nick Knowles? Please don't tell me some consider him attractive. eeeew.

Sunday!

Gina has gone, boo. What do we have to do to get rid of Nick Knowles? Grr. Annoyingly there was no BBC3 show after the sooooooo very long BBC1 show tonight, so no Gina interview tonight. When the celeb students went back to the house there was a red themed dinner party with lots of booze for them. Also a special mystery host ooh...who turned out to be Ainsley Harriot. Reminding me that last series they had Nigella Lawson as a cooking guest and one person (can't remember who) didn't know who she was!

Saturday

Bloke from casualty Chris is out yay. Gossip - Apparently Richard Park was making w@nker gestures to Patrick Kielty on tonights (Saturday) show! Oh grow up you two, etc. The 'game that dare not speak its name' that they mentioned on the programme is where you think of a film or tv and replace part of the name with 'bum hole' like '4 weddings and a bum hole'...oh how mature!

Nick Knowles led a Radiohead sing along tonight so maybe he is not that bad...

The FA students had a bar man when they got back in the academy tonight. Nice.

Why oh why

What was Dawn wearing? It was vile. Judge Craig Revel Horwood liked it so enough said.

Why is Lesley Garratt a judge?

Why are people voting for Nick Knowles please let him go tonight.

Why was 'Let it be' not on last nights show? According to the live streaming last night as it was 'under rehearsed and crap'. But officially as the VTs went on too long.

missed opportunity?

IAC-er Jordan Katie Price is favourite for Eurovision, and Reborn in the USA star Gina G's in it too. Why was this not combined with Sleb FA? That would've be pop-tastic. Particularly if lovely Sonia was a contestant, too.

Ah, Sonia's dancing, will we ever see her like again?

jon gone

Jon left FA house tonight. Reggie was saved by the other slebs, Gina by the judges.

Dead Ringers clips here, for anyone who doesn't know why Jon Culshaw is most excellent.

Group song

Tonight they are all singing 'let it be' how very American Idol.

Sam sings

Sam Mitchell Kim Medcalf is singing No Doubt's 'don't speak' tonight I LOVE that song.



A pic to make this post look bigger.

Konnie gone

I am just watching tonight's show now but...poor Konnie, that Chris from casualty was desperate in his plea (after being in the last two) to stay in. He could at least have been charitable ( and not all 'please vote meeeeeeeeee in'), they keep telling us they are not there to win, but for charity.

No Dawn NO

She is 'singing' ironic by Alanis Morissette ick ick ICK I hate that song.

sexy sugar babe fired

Miranda's in The Sun

... she’s not afraid of using her sex appeal to get ahead.

She says: “I am a great mixture of brains and blonde. I think that every talent could and should be used. And if I can use my looks and my brains to succeed in business than that’s exactly what I’ll do.”
...
Miranda, who beat 40,000 hopefuls to get on The Apprentice, adds: “It’s really sexy being a woman in business and being one of the only girls in a man’s world. You really feel the power.”

Yes, Miranda, showing off your "stunning business assets" in the Sun is really going to get you taken seriously.

Oooh lookie an Apprentice forum!

Songs for Thursday

Ade is rehearsing his song he is singing 'turning Japanese' (The Vapors) he's not very entertaining at this singing lark is he? But he seems to be v lovely bloke. My hatred of Carrie Grant the singing coach is still there, I thought I may like her as she is not being a nasty judge this time, but no, still v annoying.

Carrie - 'It's like retro punk'

Ade - 'That's what I am'

Carrie - 'Me toooooooooooo'

Ade said Reggie had never heard of his song and he felt old, that is because he is half your age and you are. But thankfully old people are allowed to watch as well, as we have nowt better to do.

Gina is doing U2's 'vertigo'.

Ooh thong watch was live in the house last night, how sad. Put some proper pants on, you are live on the BBC. Worse ones were Edith and Kim.

In the house at last

All the blokes are rubbish it seems. They should just kick them out in turn. I have no idea who is voting for Jon Culshaw at all, he can't sing and he's not pretty, so what is the point in voting for him? Next on my list is Nick Knowles, the bloke from casualty and the bloke from totps, all complete rubbish.

Anyway they are in the academy now having drinks and nibbles, rather predictably a few of them don't think they are being watched 'at this time' umm yes you are. Debra Stephenson was waving a fimble puppet at the camera...maybe a bit loopy. Nick Knowles said it was a bit like being in a big brother show thing...umm yes it is dur, we can see you live until midnight everyday on bbc digital. In the first few mins of drinkies we found out Konnie, Reggie and Gina don't drink, Debra has a baby, Dawn, Edith and Nick are the smokers and Kim Medcalf was being accused of eating all the prawns.

The first dance class is at 7.30am...

bye Jenny

Jenny Eclair voted of Sleb FA tonight. ta-rar a bit chuck.

sack the stylist

Good grief. Not one of those women on Sleb FA tonight looked good. Wtf were their outfits and make up all about? It doesn't help that most of them are FAR TOO THIN! Worst offender was Dawn. Hair was B.A.D. and as for the sequined capelet??!!!?? No no no.

Also I am going off Jon rapidly. Even my adoration of Dead Ringers can't get over his Mick Fucknall-esque properties. And as someone who lists torching a copy of Stars as one of her life-time greatest achievements, that's something I just can't forgive. Sorry Jon, but you should've stuck to the Doctor.

MEANWHILE ON THE APPRENTICE ...
how the FECK did Adele not get fired this week? I'd've fired her just for appointing her own PA, particularly given the outrageous gender stereotyping at play in that decision. Ooh Miranda you're a girl, you can be my secretary. Bah. I don't like Miranda much either but between the two of 'em on tonight's showing, Adele should've gone for sure.

I'm kind of liking Saira and Tim. Matthew is turning into a tory-boy tim-nice-but-dim stereotype. Of course I would ideally like to see each and every one of the Gordon Gecko wannabes fired. Come the glorious day, comrades, they'll be among the first against that wall.

Jenny to go first?

apparantly Jenny Eclair is the bookie's fave to be evicted from FA Mansion tonight. Debra & Kim are joint favourites to win with some bookies, Dawn is fave with others. Early days yet tho ....

Doo doo doo, another one bites the dust (soon)

Thank feck for that, they finally enter the academy today woo. Hopefully one of the rubbish ones will go tonight. Jon Culshaw and Nick Knowles were both painful singing but they may be amusing inside the academy so maybe I want them to stay. I just hope my digital red button behaves.

yippee for Wed night telly

Sleb FA at 8, Apprentice at 9, hurrah!