raw sex does fame academy

Yay for Rowland Rivron, I might even have to watch sleb FA this year. It will give me yet another chance to ramble on reminisce about his fine TV work eg being half of Raw Sex and his short lived chat show in which he interviewed guests in the river, I might even have time to polish up my claim to fame with Rowland anecdote. But I am with Jude on the 'no more nekkidjacuziness' point.

Press red!

From the BBC

BBCi gives fans watching on digital television the ultimate access to all the action from inside the Fame Academy from 7am to 1am every day, by pressing the red button.

Oh good. I do like to watch 'celebs' eating their tea. I love FA it's like Big Brother and Pop Idol combined thus making it the best thing ever.

The celebrity students are:
Angellica Bell (presenter)
Colin Murray (Radio 1 DJ, TV presenter)
Fred MacAulay (DJ, broadcaster)
Linda Robson (actress)
Mel Giedroyc (comedienne, writer)
Miranda Hart (comedy actress)
Ray Stubbs (BBC Sport presenter)
Rowland Rivron (comedian/presenter)
Shaun Williamson (actor, Extras)
Tara Palmer-Tomkinson (personality/TV presenter)
Tim Vine (comedian)
Tricia Penrose (actress)
Zoë Salmon (Blue Peter presenter)

Rowland. Should be fun. Hopefully less naked than on 'trust me I'm a holiday rep'.

Congrats to American Idol loser Jennifer Hudson who has only gone and won one of them Oscar things.

In other news I'm furious Lisa Scott Lee got kicked out of DOI instead of Mr Freak Hair.

knicker lovers

Oh no not more knickers. Someone on the Project Catwalk production team really, really likes seeing tall emaciated women strutting about in high heels and panties, they've already done a bikini 'challenge' and then this week they're designing underwear for Caprice.

Wayne's effort was v. poor, more Primark than Fetish Wear Designer of the Year. Giles seems to be turning out to be a bit of stereotype homosexualist fashionista who doesn't like women. Poor Monika had a vile cold and got the wrong measurements so made a too small bra, but she still rocks and should've won. If she doesn't make the final it will be a travesty. Luke won the challenge, Fatz got chucked off, not surprising as her knicknacks were too small and her bra a bizarre shape. How on earth do you manage to cut your clothes too small to fit a catwalk model? And how come you don't leave a good margin just in case, like my mum taught me during her futile attempts to teach me dress making.

I suspect much toupe tape was used to keep those bras in place. You can tell my taste in unmentionables is more M&S than S&M by the fact that during the catwalk, I was most worried that the knickers they made were going to be scratchy and/or give the poor models thrush. Cotton gussets, people, cotton gussets.

Julien's hair is looking very fetching this series. Kelly should ask for the name of his stylist. And his colourist, I fear she's still letting Cousin Terry loose on hers.

Hell's Kitchen

I presume this is replacing Love Island (r.i.p) if it's in the summer... Digi spy reports

ITV1 has confirmed that chef Marco Pierre White is to appear in the third series of Hell's Kitchen, which returns as part of the channel's summer line up.

It's celebrities... are there any left?

The show, which will see White training a group celebrities in his kitchen, will air over a two-week period in the summer.

Over in American Idol land... sigh... Cat Deeley is still in the UK version only and apparently the bloke from an old UK boy band who didn't get through the last round was only shown here!!!!!!!! I want to see the proper American version ffs. If they want to encourage people to download it and not watch ITV1/2 then they are going the right way about it.

Rip off

I'm glad this has made the papers, mostly because I'm annoyed that I can't afford to go to it.

The forthcoming Dancing On Ice tour has been branded a "rip-off" by fans of the show.

A family of four will pay around £200 for their tickets - but will then be asked to spend extra cash by voting for their favourite couples via text message once they're inside.

One fan told the Daily Star Sunday: "It's a great family show but what normal family can afford all that? It's a total rip-off. And to get people to text when they are actually there really tops it off!"

From digi spy. Talking of dancing on ice. Kay Burley still in it. Bad bad bad.

It's safe to come out from behind the settee

The American Idol auditions all nine billion hours of them are officially OVER. YAY! Next is Hollywood week. I can't wait. I want all the rock women and the Fidel Castro bloke and the Jack Osbourne alike to go through please.

Ooh pic of 'Jack'



He's actually called Chris Sligh.

My fave bit of AI so far I think is the person telling Simon Cowell to go back to France! Then when the presenter told her he was English she said he should go back to 'British'! Must be Danielle Lloyd's cousin or sumfink.

Monika wins again

Huzzah Monika won this week's Project Catwalk task, in which they had to restyle another contestant. She made Phatz look v. glam whereas Fatz made her look Fat, the bustier top was OK but wtf was going on with the tartan trim boufy skirty? Tyler got very upset at having to restyle Wayne because she doesn't 'do' menswear and hurah got evicted after producing a vile sleeveless shirt and sticking some diamante on some shop bought keks. (Is it just me or is Sky's Project Catwalk page fecked?)

BB-ish news: I did enjoy seeing Danny Tourette being made an idiot of on Buzzcocks. He wouldn't know punk if Danbert Nobacon hit him over the head with a jug of water. Which I wish he would. Roll on next week's with Preston teehee.

talking of sense of perspective

Serving PM interviewed by police in corruption enquiry and no-mark barbie girl interviewed by police for something she said on tv, obviously equally important news stories.

kelly hat news

I'm wondering if La Osborne has a bet on to wear increasingly ridiculous hats in every episode of Project Catwalk. Last night's sparkly mini-sized hat was really quite silly. Nice-but-dim Henry got pushed off the runway for being unable to sew (you do wonder what the selection criteria at the auditions are? There must be more telegenic wannabe fashion designers who can actually use a needle, thread and pair of scissors?). I'm liking Monica, stroppy cow who actually knows how to thread a needle.

"What is the world coming to" news: Shilpa to meet Queen and Tony Blair. Sense of Perspective, anyone?

BB Racism: What would Cameron do?

WHERE DOES this year’s unprecedented furore leave the future of Big Brother?

I’ve always said I’m not as keen on Celebrity Big Brother as I am on the real deal “commoners” BB. What started as a fun spin-off to raise money for charity has spiralled out of control and I wouldn’t mind one bit if it was ditched so all the focus could be on the summer show.

Since I’ve been doing this column I’ve had letters asking me why I bother with such “rubbish” as Big Brother but I honestly believe it has something to contribute about the way we work as people and society.
And I was tickled by Channel 4 TV chief Stuart Cosgrove’s comments that it should come to Scotland.

Brilliant concept. Bring it on.

There ain’t a format in the world that is so tired it can’t be jazzed up by putting a kilt on it!

Celebrity Trin Idol!

Starting tonight on 5 : "So You Think You Can Nurse?"

Writer and broadcaster Janet Street Porter, TV presenter Gail Porter and comedian Sean Hughes have been given full access to working wards in Barnsley General Hospital to experience first-hand the daily challenges of being a National Health Service nurse. The celebrities will be taking part in this life-changing experience of operating as auxiliary nurses-in-training for two exhausting weeks at the hospital.

.......

Janet Street Porter, known for her strong opinions on the NHS will be assisting expectant mothers, helping the midwives with births and c-sections in the maternity wing.

FFS. If Janet SP had approached me with a camera crew while I was having my labour & caesarean section, I'd've told her to feck right off.

Oh yeah big brother etc etc. Shilpa won, Jade's had a breakdown and gone into the Priory, Jo says it's ruined her life and is being comforted by Fergie (!) and Danielle got dumped by Teddy and her modelling contracts.

Anyway we're so over that, now on to exciting news wot I heard on the wireless this morning: Celebrity Apprentice! With Jo Brand! Thank you tv deities for smiling on me.

Fashion has no mercy

Kelly Osbourne's beret on Project Catwalk was one of the funniest things I've ever seen, I honestly thought she was in fancy dress for a task reason at first. A clip from next weeks seems to see her trying the Tito Jackson look.

Davina was a harsh one to Jo then. Shame Jade didn't get the same treatment. Or Grace. Or Lisa. Or any other of the many BB bullies but then the media didn't care about those ones as they weren't in the celeb version. Davina gets harsh when it hits BB in the pocket non shocker. Just one more day of Danielle on my tv. Hurrah. Good riddance.

In American Idol land someone called Sundance Head went through. That's a good name and he has a story, his Dad was a singer who was knocked off the number one spot by The Beatles. They also put through a bloke with a big beard and long hair who looked like a young Fidel Castro. Fun!

some of my best friends ...

Jo, when you are accused of racism, coming out with the "some of my best friends are black" line is up there with "I'm not racist but". So what if some of your relatives are half-Asian or whatever it was she said. Some of my relatives are Tories, that doesn't mean I don't hate Tories with a passion and wouldn't bully them mercilessly if locked in a house with them for several weeks. I did so enjoy watching her face as she realised her "career" was fecked. Bring on Danielle!

Celebrity Fame Academy

Woo hoo! Back in March. I hope there is live streaming. I hope a lot that there's live streaming.

People confirmed

Tara Palmer-Tomkinson
Shaun Williamson (it'll be like Night Fever all again)
Linda Robson

That's all I know so far.

In BB news... voting cockup all votes cancelled open again tonight.

Saint H

Stop being so nice! A task to win a treat for each other. Look at what H/Ian won.

Cleo won Ian's treat; a donation to his chosen charity.

You're in the BB house, ask for a giant inflatable dog or something a bit more interesting. At least get something you could share like chocolate.

Lucy is a freak

I've just seen Shipwrecked. I do like Terri, but Lucy...

Lucy is fresh from boarding school and has strong opinions on everything from nuclear war to cake decorating.

I'm sure her parents are overjoyed she's the new Jade.

Describing herself as a "traditional girl" with "traditional values" the 18-year-old from York shocked fellow participants in the first show of the series by saying that black people were "like, really bad".

Lorenzo is apparently one of the blokes who were thrown off Coach Trip last year for 'partying' in the early hours one morning. I remember that, Brendan was outraged!

Blimey!

But still they don't mind making money out of her...

I'm not racist but ...

Hearing someone say those words tells you all you need to know.

Funny that

Danielle being given a list including 'don't be racist' by her agent before she went in. What sort of person has to be reminded of that? A racist perhaps? Jade is a bully that we already know, we've seen it on BB3 and Back to Reality, why is anyone surprised? In last years BB terms Jade = Grace, Danielle = Lisa, Jo = Imogen. I think it's amusing as recent as Monday Dermot was asking on Big Brain if Shilpa had brought this on herself! It's AshAleeeen all over again, except with more media as it's celeb BB and the R word.

No crowd tonight... booooooooooooooooooo! I think no booing and no crowd would upset Jade more than booing so maybe that's good. Just a shame Danielle won't be able to hear the boos. I blame Danielle for everything, she's just the most two faced person ever. In my humble opinion!

not watching?

So Big Brother? I'm not sure what to make of all this furor going on in the media with this racist business. To be honest I wasn't sure I even cared. Come on, this is a TV programme. Semi known people trying to raise their profile by the use of a popular TV show.
I dislike Jade Goody. I just know that if she was in the same room as me I'd have to leave. Why? because she's too stupid to know she's stupid. But some people obviously find something in her that's entertaining so they watch her.
The night her and her vacuous family were shoehorned into the BB house with Davina gurning and squeaking excitedly "Our Jade's back" was a sad TV moment. What ever happened to the BB I knew and loved. The social experiment. Putting strangers in a house together and watch them integrate? Celeb BB was fun. You can't keep on a front for days on end so we got to see something of the TRUE celeb personality. But we all know Jade's true persona. It's been there for all to see. It's not racism but ignorance.
I was however extremely disturbed to find one of my very own children siding initially with Jade and her 'Mean Girls' gang. She said "I hate Shilpa" Why? Only after a lot of heated discussion and questioning did I get out of her that she disliked her laugh and way she held herself. On careful examination of the whole affair she agreed that it was wrong to be so vehement about someone because of the way they walked, talked and laughed. When Shilpa cried she said "Cry me a river Shilpa" I was horrified. When someone cries we go to them, ask them what's wrong. Care about stuff and try to sort it out. I want to feel that I am a champion against injustice and my kids follow me. Stand up for the meek and mild. Be brave and bold and don't follow the crowd. It's been a learning curve and to her credit she now from her own free will and observation can see what went wrong and that the trio of Mean Girls really are just that... MEAN.
The BB house lacks back bone in any form. H from Steps can see what's wrong but can't do anything about it. Jermaine is a love poet of uselessness. Dirk doesn't really care. Wants to get home to his urinal. Cleo is really poor in my estimation. She quite obviously doesn't like Shilpa but she pretends to. She sits on the picket fence so tightly its a wonder she doesn't get splinters.
And the three mean girls have regressed to the age of 10 giggling and patting each other on the back for the 'clever' things they say.
Entertainment? Bring back Jackie Stallone.........